Wednesday, October 24, 2007
I would also like to mention the incredible group of women that I get to hang out with. They are the most compassionate, unique, interesting, and intellectual women one could be so lucky to know. I do wish that I could see them more often, but feel lucky for every moment.
Please check out all their inspiring blogs listed under larger band of hooligans.
Hope you are finding some Fall Magic of your own.....
Or is it?
Is it really a free pass to sigh a well-deserved sigh of relief? Should the weight of past mistakes no longer be felt on my shoulders? Will I now walk toward financial decisions with self-assurance that I will not make the same mistakes again? Do I still feel shame that I made promises that I didn't keep? Do I pretend that people don't look down on me for making the decision to bail out on a burden to heavy to carry? Should I even care in the slightest what others may think?
How do I go forward from here?
The thing is I know- really and truly know that all my hopes and dreams are coming true right now. The incredible person that I want to become in the future is the exact same person that I look at everyday in the mirror. I am already her. She is ready right now to begin creating this beautiful life.
So what am I waiting for? Why do I keep insisting on throwing myself pity parties?
It's hard to have complete faith in myself when I have $10 to my name and have no idea when our next money is coming.
I feel so much gratitude for our food stamps, but hate the idea that without them my family would starve.
I am happy to be ridding myself of things that I shouldn't have gotten in the first place, yet so pained that my couch, my car, and my home are all being taken from me.
I am grateful that we have had the help of family and friends, but resent that that money now takes precedent in the relationship.
How do I stay positive in the face of this pain? How do I think of my life in terms of abundance rather than of lack? How do I just jump with complete faith that I will land on my feet?
I feel like a living contradiction.
Is this new beginning just that?
A clean slate- but only given with the one condition that I truly let go of my past.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Hopefully, you will too.
Then we can stand together amongst those that are aching for change.
The drunk monkey likes anonymity. It likes pretending it's not really sitting on your shoulder whispering lies into your ear. It thrives on our ignorance, our belief that what it's saying is true.
I took a good recognizing look at my DM a year ago, and I've been in combat ever since. The DM doesn't play by any rules and plays for keeps. It just wants you to keep quiet and play along, it doesn't go down without a fight.
When my DM is ruling my mind and heart, my world is very grey. Bleak, unhappy, and sometimes quite angry. But lately, I have had real glimpses of freedom from the drunk monkey and I want to stay in this consciousness. A place that sends tingles up and down my spine because it is so right. This place of hope, beauty, and purpose. A place where kindness and peace run free. A place where I can clearly see what it is to have my soul and heart lead the way.
I love this place, yet it leaves so quickly.
How do I get it to stay?
Chris and I were having a discussion about when one gets to a place of freedom, does that mean the monkey is for once and for all silenced? Or does the monkey rear it's ugly head now and again in a moment of weakness?
I am of the opinion of the latter. I don't think my ego will ever give up for good. The good news is, with practice the drunk monkey gets quieter and quieter until you don't hear it any more. It no longer gets a fair say in everyday decisions, and even when it does get a peep out, you no longer believe what it has to say.
We are biologically capable of changing the pathways of the neurons in our brains. Over time and with conscious awareness we can physically change our brains to seek out our place of peace rather than our place of fear.
That is so absolutely amazing...and hopeful.
The more we practice being aware and present, the smaller the drunk monkey becomes. With each small step toward our own personal truth, we become the creators of our lives.
ps-I love the movie What the Bleep Do We Know? and highly recommend all interested in silencing their drunk monkey to watch it. It much better explains the biological processes than I ever could.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
If anyone is interested in the recipes I would be happy to pass them on.
Two Soleil girl thumbs up!!
The Harvest Vegetable Medley (fun name, huh?) was loaded with vegetables that took me over an hour to cut. I loved using purple fingerling potatoes, they are so pretty and made this dinner very colorful. I made this for Chris and my sorta anniversary and everyone loved it. It is from Vegetarian Times as well.
So when you have a casserole dish full of leftover roasted vegis, what do you do? Make pot pie of course! This has fluffy sage biscuits on top. My own creation.
Pumpkin Waffles with hot apple compote. The waffle recipe is from Vegan with a Vengeance, the apples I made up. (Not like sauteing apples in a pan is hard, but I'll take the credit.) Yes, I am on a pumpkin kick right now.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
Oh, I wish I had the camera.....
That would have been such a great picture......
It is so beautiful, if only I had brought the camera to capture the beauty....
Fast forward to the end of the trip. We are unpacking all the bags and bags of who knows what. I am wondering how a one day trip could require so much stuff. Xavier is unpacking his new Spiderman rolling suitcase. He had packed it 3 days before the trip with what I was assuming was an odd assortment of toys. He usually can't go anywhere without a backpack full of odds and ends. These bags o' fun are usually forgotten about by the time we leave, and then I end up being the one having to put away all these little unmatched treasures. We never pulled his suitcase out of the car because we both shuttered at the idea of tiny toys all over the cabin that would then need retrieving, and since it didn't have anything he would actually need, like clothing, we let it stay in the car.
So, imagine our surprise when he started pulling out some of his last minute additions to his suitcase. Namely, a glass glass, a can of Rootbeer, and the camera!
It was with us all along. Figures.
You will just have to imagine all the too-cute kiddo moments, or the breathtaking mountain views dancing with vivid yellow leaves of the Aspen trees.
Xavier loved riding the four wheelers, crying when it was time to get leave.
Soleil delighted in the deer sightings, six in all.
Chris liked he chance to play Super Mario 3 on the Nintendo.
I liked the peaceful still of the mountains.
It was good to get a breath of fresh mountain air.
Although we didn't capture it digitally, we all took mental photos.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
We are headed to the cabin in the woods with high hopes in seeing a moose, bear, chipmunk,
robin, but definitely not a skunk.
Let's hope we all come back un-stinky!
Until next time...............
Friday, October 12, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Truthfully, Fall has never struck me as something too special before, until this year. It has been just knocking my off my socks. Really.
Just to be totally aware, and immerse myself completely in the smells, sights, colors, light, and absolute beauty of the season has been a wonder for me.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Words that speak directly to my happy place and give me much needed moments of clarity.
And this does help in my desperate moments of needing a different outlook.
It doesn't always work perfectly, and I have been known to drop the ball so to speak, but I have seen this practice help me in my personal evolution.
Thought I would share a few of mine but I am going to ask that in return, please share with me your magic words. Words that give your spirit a little boost when it's down.
Here are some of mine:
-How would I be without this thought?
-What am I committed to? (thanks melissa)
-Fake it till you make it.
-What do I want to attract? What do I need to focus on to attract this?
-Happy, healthy, gentle, peaceful.
-Sometimes song lyrics help like,
I can't believe that we would lie in our graves wondering if we spent our living days well.
I can't believe that we would lie in our graves dreaming of things that we might have been.
(Dave Matthews, Lie in our Graves)
That is all I can think of right now. I know there are many, many more.
I'm feeling kind of drained at the moment and will be waiting eagerly for some other bits o' wisdom.
I could surely use them.
Love to all.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
If it is of any consolation, I have kept up my blog in my head. Full of fascinating and hilarious posts.
I should invent that...a way to imagine what your blog will say in your head and VOILA, it appears into the computer.
I'd be rich I tell ya.
So I have been busy reading...a lot.
Damn you Harry Potter!
Damn you Stephenie Meyer!
Oh, but the reading has been sooo delicious. I just can't help myself. Just like eating an entire chocolate cake because it's so scrumptious you can't stop, but feel quite sick and guilty when it is over. Yet wishing you still had more....
Not that this is an actual real life example, I mean I would NEVER eat a chocolate cake in one sitting.
More like two. :)
I'll give more juicy details of our week later. I suspect the three of you out there are just desperate with anticipation.