band of hooligans

pink cyclops

2009-05-12T23:07:00.002-06:00

This space has started to feel a little stagnant to me and I have been thinking that I need a new space that really defines what it is that I am contributing to the world, so those that check in here I ask you to have patience while I figure out my next step in blog-o-world.
(so dramatic, no?)

flotsam in the ocean

2009-04-24T23:19:00.002-06:00

plastic in the ocean has absorbed me today. i find it strange that i have an attitude of disbelief and amazement when confronted with the effects of our throwaway societies. i mean, where do we think all this trash is going? talk about denial on the deepest level.
anyway, here i have provided some videos and links so that, you too, can become absorbed and hopefully, act accordingly.

Watch Toxic Garbage Island

Algalita Marine Research

inspired by::green

2009-04-23T22:00:00.006-06:00

whether we are talking about the new green buds on the trees or the "be green" movement that is gaining momentum, i am all about green these days.
i am thoroughly enjoying the renewal that spring brings. the proof that life is an everlasting circle, and the rejoicing that happens without fail and without matter. one can always put stock in the fact that nature will parade it's wares.
the colors! the bursting forth! the declarations!
all of it is spectacular.

another thing that i think is marvelous is collaboration of ideas and solutions on how to pick ourselves out of this environmental and social ignorance that has never suited us well. i believe the human race to be compassionate and conscious and there are so many groups and organizations out there proving my hunch correct.
a small offering:
The Hunger Project
We/Repower America
Equality Now

inspired by:: oldie but goodie

2009-04-21T23:37:00.000-06:00

ask me what i love most about my new abode and i'd probably just studder. cause i love too much to choose one.
something i know absolutely is that the big, smooth hunk of metal in the kitchen would be near the top of the list.
it's gas. it's huge. it's charming.
what else does a girl need?

we moved and that it why i haven't posted. in case you were wondering.

2009-04-08T10:27:00.001-06:00

here are some googly eyes to look at.
until then.....

everything is amazing, nobody is happy

2009-03-31T06:49:00.001-06:00

::holi::

2009-03-29T20:54:00.004-06:00

Walking up to the temple we were greeted by a friendly llama who walked right up to the fence to take freshly picked grass from our hands. Behind our new friend were the outlines of the ornately lavish temple and plumes of heavily scented, brightly colored plumes of chalk. We eagerly walked the half mile (the closest parking we could find) and said hello to the passerbys dressed head to foot in purple, pink, yellow, and blue chalk.

The scene surrounding the temple was awe inspiring. Crowds chanting along with the live band, Hare Krishna, Hare, Hare! they sang. Explosions of color burst like fireworks above the chanters. It's like a happy war, I said. The whole scene felt dreamy and unreal. A giggle escaped at the craziness of it all.

The Hare Krishnas were celebrating Holi, the arrival of Spring, a tradition that has been celebrated in India since ancient times. The merriment was greeted gladly by throngs of people that included a bonfire, chanting and singing, and the throwing of brightly colored chalk. There could be no better way to celebrate Spring.

Sadly the chalk had run out by the time we made it, but Xavier was lucky enough to get sprayed by a handful of pink to the back of the head. He enjoyed this until the chalk made its way into his mouth and then he was spitting pink for the rest of our time there. Just like the llamas.

Walking back to the car felt like we were leaving an exotic, mystical land where the scenery is breathtaking, the language is sung in chants, and all the people are technicolor.

list of happies

2009-03-24T18:45:00.003-06:00

happiness is:
-a workshop on scarcity to abundance.
-moving into our new home in a week.
-celebrating spring with friends.
-realizing my potential, as well as my breakdowns.
-honest conversations.
-build-your-own frozen yogurt.
-a landmark education forum for my birthday.
-making progress and building respect at work.
-kissing my kids. repeatedly.
-being in love with a wonderful man.

because.....

2009-03-16T21:52:00.004-06:00

words have forsaken me.

deep breathing

2009-03-08T22:50:00.005-06:00

(picture by our friend Travis)

i sometimes dislike hearing about how busy people are because we're all busy, right? but here i am about to say, whew things have been busy round here! so i won't, cause that would be annoying of me. i'll just tell you how much i've missed you my dear little corner of the internet.

i've had to remind myself to breathe deeply and to not be afraid of heading directly toward the wind. life has been hurling itself toward me, ever changing and gaining momentum. overall, the ride has been enjoyable but there are always the dips and the parts that just plain suck.

i found myself wondering on how exactly i can get back to that fantastic space i was in a few weeks ago. how did i loose it so quickly and how do i make sure that i never loose it again? i suppose that is just the very nature of evolution and growth, the minute you think you have it all figured out the earth starts shifting beneath your feet once more. today i told a friend that is going through a difficult time right now to try saying a mantra of what she wants for herself over and over again in order to really stay focused. i think that i should take my own advice.

my mantra du jour:
breathe deep

sensitive

2009-02-23T21:49:00.003-07:00

driving down the freeway this morning when the sun was barely peeking out from the behind the mountain. headlights zooming past, hot chai in a mug nearby, listening to NPR on the radio.
this would seem like a nice picture on the outside, but zoom in and see a heart that is feeling too raw, with a tinge of ache.

i hear a story on morning edition about kids from mumbai, india getting the chance to stand on the stage at the oscars in the spotlight while their families huddled around old television sets in their huts back home cheering their loved ones on. hearing this makes me cry, and i'm not sure why.

budget cuts for substance abuse programs, elderly couple in the restaurant trying earnestly to navigate their walkers, a young women in chains at the courthouse losing her child forever, my husband handing out money to homeless vets on the street corner......

snapshots of my day that cause me to wonder, why are we so cold to one another?

i have been trying to teach my son whom sometimes uses violence as a means to express his anger that when we hurt others we are also hurting ourselves. that we are all one.

a lesson the whole world needs to learn.

i want to tear down the walls that encase our hearts that have been built under the false notion that the walls are there to protect them, but the truth is they only leave us without the ability to care.
to really love.

i know that the only way to lead this movement is by example, so i will start with my heart wall one brick at a time.
won't you join me?
then we can be sensitive together.

::six::

2009-02-20T11:34:00.002-07:00

six years of marriage + a weekend away in zions =

one happy girl.

perspective when i need it most

2009-02-10T22:45:00.003-07:00

picture this: it's 10 pm on a tuesday and a frazzled, tired out momma is trying to get her kids to quiet down already and go to sleep. this momma had spent all day with clients, some whom took extra patience to get along with and she is ready for some down time. her husband is still at work and she could definitely use his help. this momma's children have also had a long day and are started to spin out of control. big mess here. jumping all over the beds there. to make matters worse there are grandparents that are trying to get to sleep right below where all the madness is taking place. the momma runs from room to room telling each child to STAY ON THE BED AND BE QUIET, only to turn around and see the other child flipping the lights on and off and jumping up and down like popcorn. of course they are both laughing in fits of hysterics because they see that momma is about to loose it. and she almost does. she isn't sure if she should cry, yell, or slap them silly. she doesn't want to do something she will regret so she calls her husband. he tells her just to get out of the house and take a drive. the momma does this.

while driving the momma gets some space to think and the kids have quieted down. she apologizes for the way she behaved but stresses that the way they were behaving wasn't cool either. her son tells her this (although it's not word for word, the momma took some liberty with her son's words.)

i am so, so, so, so sorry for being disrespectful. i feel so bad. i was just feeling so mad, mom. do you know when the mad started? it started when i made the big mess. that is when my mad woke up. most of the time my mad is asleep, but when it wakes up it takes over my whole body. my mad is connected to my heart and when the mad gets to my heart, it can tell my mad to go back asleep. it says, "mad go to sleep!" then i feel happy again. you know who told me all about that? it was my imaginary friend.

and just like that my mad goes to sleep.

full and satisfied

2009-02-05T23:41:00.002-07:00

is it seriously only 15 minutes until friday?
and what am doing up in the first place?

although the days are starting to race by at light speed, and i don't have much time left in my day for all that i wish, i am still loving this new pace.
i am holding on and enjoying the ride. loving the wind through my hair.

today i was told how well suited i was for social work and i am starting to think that i agree. i am truly in love with my job.
i am now considering school to get my bachelors so i could actually run with whatever i choose.
a lot on my plate, no?

on my mind

2009-02-02T06:38:00.003-07:00

special words:

conversations
commitments
personal responsibility
relationships
change
growth
reconciliation
compromise
spirituality
creation
friendship
opening my hear
truth
connection
evolution
freedom
choice

magical trees

2009-01-28T20:52:00.001-07:00

Xavier: Next year I am going to ask Santa to bring me a field of snowy trees.

squam

2009-01-28T13:51:00.004-07:00

i am feeling the need to formally declare my intention of going to squam this year.
so (clears throat), i am committed to going to squam art workshop in june to have a really fabulous time, meet lots of new friends, learn crazy mad art skills, and have a love filled, girly type weekend.

anyone want to go with me?
c'mon, i know you want to.

watch how he amazes

2009-01-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

firsts

2009-01-22T19:40:00.004-07:00

a week of firsts has been full indeed.
busy, yet very content feeling.
right feeling.
one would even say happy feeling.

xavi started school this week and i am a proud mama. he has been loving the responsibility of something that is just for him. he has gotten certified to use the phone and the vacuum so far and in the world of a five year old this is a big deal.
another big deal, your own lunchbox.

i started my new job and after a week of meetings, w2's, alarm clocks, drug tests, work clothes, orientations, clients, and note taking, i am still super psyched about this new sense of purpose i have. yes, i am a little tired, but not really. i like having a packed day of helping women in my community build better lives for themselves and then i get to come home to my adorable children and love them to pieces.
so, i guess what i am trying to say is,
i heart my new job.

and a post of firsts should not forget to include that happy ol' inauguration day. my eyes were so leaky all day long. someone on the radio would only have to quietly mention the word hope and i was driving down the freeway bawling.
but the good kind.

NEVER FORGET...

2009-01-18T00:11:00.007-07:00

when xavi snuggled on your lap with the blanket up to his chin and right before he fell asleep he turned and kissed your arm and whispered,
your the best mom ever.

creation

2009-01-17T12:13:00.002-07:00

new job
new car
xavi in school
business idea

all these things just one short/long month ago seemed nearly impossible and things i could hardly wrap my brain around.
why would these things happen to me?
we don't have enough money.
aren't i supposed to be happy staying at home with the kids?
who would want to hire me?
i probably wouldn't make enough anyway.

all untrue statements i have continually repeated to myself, and with no surprise my situation stayed exactly the same. then a very simple concept finally sunk in after way too long, all thought is creation. i can change my life in whatever way i choose with the change of my mind and the creative power of my thoughts.

it truly is that simple.

so now i have a new car in the driveway, a new job that i am thrilled about, xavi is happily starting at an awesome charter school next week, and i am starting a business plan for an idea that i am so, so excited about.

truly incredible.

saturday afternoon

2009-01-10T17:51:00.003-07:00

a sick filled afternoon was just begging for some color.

around the corner

2009-01-06T10:20:00.002-07:00

pictures of the past are flashing on the screen in front of me and tears well up in my eyes. chubby cheeks, milky smiles, first steps, beach vacations. those pictures make me wonder, have i cherished them enough?

something new is stirring and change is inevitable. the thought of doing something other than being with my kids all day causes a frog in my throat and pit in my stomach. i know this is the right thing to do, but still.

still, i will miss the moments that i am not there.
still, i will hope that they don't think i'm trying to get away from them.
still, i will pray that they know how completely my heart is wrapped around theirs.

around the corner the change train is pulling up to the station.
the question remains, am i strong enough to make the leap?

in all honesty

2009-01-04T11:26:00.001-07:00

driving in the car chris looked over and did a double take.
what is it?
why are you smiling?
what's so funny?

i rolled my eyes at him...i'm just smiling cause i'm happy.
and it was true. as if a huge boulder has lifted its weight off my shoulders, i am feeling more free
these days than i ever have before.

because i told myself the truth.
not only that, this time i listened.

the most challenging part of being a mother, for me, is reconciling the ideas i have about what i should be feeling and doing, and what is actually happening in my heart and soul.

my expectation that i should be totally content always being home with my children is opposing the pull of my heart toward starting a non profit that would provide disadvantaged women free creative art retreats. or working in africa. or starting my own small business.

the bar i have set for myself in regards to being able to balance homeschooling, parenting, being a wife, a friend, volunteering, make financial ends meet and my own personal evolution has left me hollow and wondering what is wrong with me? why can't i do this when i see others that do it every day?

something has to give.

i am in love with the idea of homeschooling. i completely and wholeheartedly agree with all the principles of homeschooling, especially unschooling. i always want my children to be given the right to choose their own path for themselves and receive unwavering support and encouragement in whatever it is they choose. my children know how to learn and i have total faith that they will learn what is necessary to fit their own life pieces together and see the picture of their creation.

how exactly can i tell my children that they must follow the tune of their own hearts, that they can truly be whatever it is they want to be, if they see me stifling my own dreams and passions?

i want this for them, yet before i had always seen me pretty much solo in providing it. to carry all this responsibility alone has been smothering me. i've wished, hoped, and prayed i could just lift a little higher, be a little stronger, and it will work out. i have made it about if i love my children enough i should be able to do this. for me, it was a test of my love. it was about my showing everyone that i was a good mother. instead, i have been left tired, out of patience, frustrated, and at times very angry.

today feels different.

today i realized that i have the key in my hand to unlock the door.

i don't have to do it alone. my children can have the unschooling way of life without the entire responsibility being shouldered by me. i can create a community of people that all want the same things for xavier and soleil.

i realize today that it's not about me or the strength of my love.

i don't have to compete in this false motherhood competition that plays out in my head.

i can simply love my children and turn the key.

::2009::

2008-12-31T21:52:00.003-07:00

my creation list for 2009:

1. start my etsy shop.
2. drive an electric car-for free.
3. hold my first women's creativity retreat.
4. continue volunteer work for art community.
5. go on at least 3 overnight dates with chris.
6. start saving for volunteer trip to africa.
7. get part time job or volunteer at local women's rehab center.
8. help chris start his screenprinting ventures.
9. begin writing book with jana.
10. start a book club.
11. begin process of starting non-profit group.
12. plant a garden.
13. attend at least 4 live performances.
14. eat raw for one month in the summer.
15. go on family vacation to a beach.
16. purchase a SLR camera and take a photography class.
17. learn how to play the guitar.
18. take a painting class.
19. go to a dance or yoga class at least twice a month.
20. love more.

xavier doll

2008-12-31T12:17:00.002-07:00

um, is there anything cuter than this?
no, there is not.
xavier doll has been played with non-stop, all day.
who needs expensive star wars toys when your mama can make you your very own doll to love?
he even got treated this morning to a delicious breakfast.
at the table.

tiny dancer

2008-12-30T12:47:00.002-07:00

a large majority of the gifts i gave this year were handmade by yours truly. whenever i make gifts i tend to gravitate to the projects i haven't attempted before, with new techniques and materials. my projects didn't go very quickly. i started getting overwhelmed a week before christmas and a million and two things still to make.

so, after many 2 am nights and many sore fingers, i did manage to finish a few things. all my gifts were huge successes and i am particularly proud of ms. ballerina above.

is it bad to say i secretly wanted to keep her?

pause

2008-12-30T12:40:00.003-07:00

where: olive garden
when: christmas eve
why: moms profile, xavi's suit, hand holding

::joy is for you::

2008-12-21T23:27:00.003-07:00

On this cold winter solstice evening, I wanted to wish you the merriest of holidays. May you have abundant family togetherness, peace, joy, and lots and lots of love.
The Hooligans

::three::

2008-12-17T22:39:00.003-07:00

we woke up before the sun came up and the moon went down. the brightest moon of the year, i will add. it was rather special to be in the town of my girl's birth and be blessed to rise in time to see this:

then we turned to the west and saw this:

as if the sun and moon conspired to give a ravishing birthday hello to my three year old soleil luna.

happy birthday indeed.
we love you with all our hearts....

it's my party

2008-12-10T23:05:00.001-07:00

thanks to steph for hosting our birthday bash.
we heart you.

i am curious about this

2008-12-08T15:17:00.004-07:00

folks, i love my kids madly, truly, deeply. with a cherry on top.
but, could someone please tell me what is so absolutely divine about chewing on ones toe nails and saving all ones thirsty feelings for the murky bathwater?
just wondering.

also, in much less icky news, my two year old will only be a two year old for five more sleeps.
where does the time go?

it's official

2008-12-04T17:06:00.004-07:00

....i've caught that crazy holiday spirit.

and how can i tell you ask?
well, the 1 am craft marathons are a good sign.
i am also prone to bursting out in joyful song at the most random of times.
it also seems i can't get enough sugar in the form of baked goods and fudge.

so my symptoms can only mean one thing.

aren't the holidays fun?

cookies you will want to eat

2008-12-04T00:11:00.004-07:00

i am tired but "write a new blog post" is on my to-do list.
one should never argue with the to-do list.
not ever.
so, i am going to use this post wisely and tell you all about the most delicious and sorta kinda healthy vegan sugar cookies that the kids and i made yesterday. making cookies and sharing them was our first advent activity, but we never made it to the sharing part. unless you consider sharing them with ourselves to fulfill the challenge, well then we passed with flying colors.

on to the recipe!

i adapted this recipe and it suited me and my taste buds just fine.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vegan Sugar Cookies That Are Yummy

1 1/2 Cups Whole Wheat Pastry Flour

1/2 Cup Sugar

1/2 tsp. Baking Soda

1/2 tsp. Salt

1/4 Cup Coconut Oil

1/4 Cup Canola Oil

1/2 Tbs. Vanilla

1/2 Tbs. Almond Extract

1 Really Smashed Banana

Mix the dry ingredients in a bowl. Mix the wet ingredients in a measuring cup (make sure they’re blended well). Stir the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients. Using your hands form the dough into a big ball. (If it sticks together well, then it’s the right consistency. If not, add a bit of water and mix it well.) Pu dough ball in fridge for a few hours. Roll out dough and use cookie cutters for cutting out desired shapes. mixture. Place on an ungreased cookie sheet. Flatten each Bake at 375°F degrees for about 7 minutes. Makes about 18 cookies. Of course, decorate using frosting, candy, and sprinkles very liberally.

list of loves

2008-11-15T20:57:00.004-07:00

in need of a good soul scrubbing i am going to bathe myself in gratitude.
taking a cue from a neato blog i love, i too am going to list my top 100 favorite things, in no particular order.
deep breath.
here goes.

1. red painted metal
2. yerba mate
3. curls
4. the beach
5. snow cones
6. brightly colored skirts
7. ballerinas
8. loud drums
9. rust
10. pictures of feet
11. craigslist
12. dancing
13. date nights
14. holiday lights
15. cookbooks
16. lavender
17. co-ops
18. waterfalls
19. airports
20. vintage
21. wooden spoons
22. holding hands
23. vegan chocolate cake
24. thrift stores
25. bamboo knitting needles
26. yoga class
27. massages
28. inside jokes
29. volkswagon vehicles
30. new packs of markers
31. restaurant reviews
32. beads
33. sweater jackets
34. thai food
35. food processors
36. girl power
37. wine
38. drive ins
39. stars
40. hippies
41. the number 5
42. my birthday
43. eyelashes
44. the library
45. public transportation
46. bare feet
47. clothes shopping
48. ballerina flats
49. almonds
50. fig trees
51. holidays
52. book clubs
53. flannel sheets
54. fireplaces
55. dormer windows
56. toys from the 80's
57. modern furniture
58. old houses
59. walking in the city
60. animal adoption fairs
61. hammocks
62. fireworks
63. very large trees
64. russian sage
65. bakeries
66. margaritas
67. outdoor concerts
68. the smell of coffee
69. electric cars
70. birthday parties
71. reading blogs
72. non profit groups
73. photography
74. cooking
75. NPR
76. midwives
77. trade schools
78. zune player
79. soap
80. good lighting
81. irony
82. controlled chaos
83. belly casts
84. oatmeal
85. menus
86. white noise
87. green building
88. pacman
89. wish lists
90. late nights
91. farmers market
92. parks
93. road trips
94. lemonade
95. graffiti
96. whimsy
97. museums
98. my friends
99. my family
100. you

what he said....

2008-11-10T22:48:00.003-07:00

lately, i have been steaming over the passing of prop 8 in california and can't fathom why people are so damn mean. this commentary puts into words what i have been thinking this past week.
watch and act accordingly.
keith, i want my name in the book of love!

:: yellow snow ::

2008-11-08T10:43:00.003-07:00

xavier: aubrey, is snow a healthy food?

aubrey: well, it's not really a food, it's just frozen water.

xavier: oh, so you mean it's edible.

it cracked me up that my barely five year old used the word edible in the right context within a sentence. chris chalks up some of xavi's wide vocabulary to hanging out with trev who amazes us with his very advanced and varied word usage.

can't stop smiling

2008-11-04T21:56:00.005-07:00

peace wins.

kindness rules the day.

love is alive.

As I hold my son on my lap watching President Obama, my heart is full and my eyes are teary. I can now give my children the promise that change and hope are never extinct. I have seen the unbelievable with my own eyes. I have witnessed history. I have seen that when we stand up together and join our voices and our hearts, nothing is out of reach.

the little vote that could

2008-11-03T21:48:00.003-07:00

i've been quiet lately, i know.
i've been very distracted by this upcoming election, moving, and frozen yogurt.
can you even believe that election day is tomorrow?
i am letting myself feel pretty confident that things are going to go my (and america's) way and am pretty sure that i won't be eating my words on wednesday morning.
go hope!

here is my plea:
vote, vote, vote!
if you have already voted, you are awesome, but make sure you are doubly awesome and take some food and drink to those in long voting lines. or, drive all your friends to the polls. or, make calls and emails to everyone you know and remind them to use their magical voting powers.

alright, that all i got right now.
vote!

again, again

2008-10-21T11:42:00.004-06:00

here's me drawing in a huge breath of it's happening again.

here's me boxing our things and separating them into piles going to moms or the storage unit.

here's me with a heavy heart thinking of being apart from our pups for two long months.

here's me hopeful that they are showered with so many daily walks and cuddles that they forget all about us for awhile....almost.

here's me looking at the silver lining and being grateful for the financial breathing room.

here's me praying that we don't wear out our welcome.

here's me doing all those annoying must-do moving tasks such as collecting boxes from garbage bins all over the city and filling out change of address forms.

here's me rolling my eyes at myself for being a tad bit worried about what others will think.

here's me summoning any kind of strength i can receive that will help me get through one more move.

here's me dreading all the accompanying melt downs and temper tantrums that go hand in hand with switching addresses. and i'm not even talking about the kids.

here's me being obsessive compulsive about packing the boxes just so and not letting anyone help because they just don't do it right.

here's me listing all the junk we keep in the garage on craigslist cause i just don't want to move it. plastic swimming pool anyone?

here's me thinking that we are crazy people to sign up to move again in two months.

here's me begging the money gods for some sort of raise so we can actually afford something other than a studio in the hood.

here's me putting on a brave face for my children so they aren't scarred for life for our gypsy ways.

here's me filling my late, late nights with maniac gossip girl watching because i just don't feel like being productive. (did i really just confess to watching gossip girl? i meant, um, i'm watching something cooler and more mature than that.)

here's me with a heart full of gratitude for parents and friends that will always be out rock.

and finally, here's me hoping that in the next week my children will learn the art of voice modulation so we don't get kicked out of mom's house for being too damned noisy.

(my fingers are so crossed.)

UPDATED: just to be clear-no, my mom didn't give us an ultimatum that we either be quiet or else, i am just expressing my hopes that they will be. my mom has been nothing but generous and wonderful. we love you....

the in between

2008-10-08T21:36:00.000-06:00

apparently we didn't put our trust in jesus in regards to our tires since our rear tire blew out on our way out of san diego.
next time, i promise.

um, hello october. your here rather early.
aren't you?
i swear there has got to be some sort of mix-up.
i still had a lot of summerish stuff to do and here you are shoving fall in my face.
i have a major craving for more peaches, and tomatoes, and while i am asking, another trip to the ocean would be nice too. usually by this time i am saying yay! fall is here! but not this year.
at least not yet.

well, i suppose that might be a small lie, cause i did can things in jars. that's a fallish activity. and i did pull out halloween decorations today. another activity that is reserved only for fall.

sigh.

so i am halfway there between summer and fall. i sorta feel that i am always in the in between.

and while i am whining, is there anything more gross than fruit flies nesting on your toothbrush?
i think not.

they must have not gotten the memo that fall is here either.

shoo fly.

sea world is super

2008-09-29T16:05:00.003-06:00

zoo

2008-09-16T17:51:00.004-06:00

five

2008-09-16T17:46:00.003-06:00

my beautiful boy is five today.
five years ago today i was holding my water baby unable to sleep, afraid i would miss a second of his content, musical sighs.
being five is absolutely magic.
happiest birthday wishes to you.

love,
aubrey

ready, set, go...............

2008-09-13T23:09:00.005-06:00

we are off bright and early to san diego! hurrah!
wish us luck (we might hit the slots in vegas), good weather, quiet car rides, and most of all wish xavier a very, very happy 5th birthday!!

raise your voices

2008-09-12T10:26:00.003-06:00

another letter i received that i thought was important enough to spread the message. please visit their blog and make your voice heard. also, please see my new sidebar of links titled do something!
hundreds of thousands of woman all speaking out together in the name of change is breathtaking.
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Hello there--

Friends, compatriots, fellow-lamenters,

We are writing to you because of the fury and dread we have felt since
the announcement of Sarah Palin as the Vice-Presidential candidate for the
Republican Party. We believe that this terrible decision has surpassed
mere partisanship, and that it is a dangerous farce on the part of a
pandering and rudderless Presidential candidate that has a real possibility of
becoming fact.

Perhaps like us, as American women, you share the fear of what Ms. Palin
and her professed beliefs and proven record could lead to for ourselves and
for our present or future daughters.

To date, she is against sex education, birth control, the pro-choice platform, environmental protection, alternative energy development, freedom of speech (as mayor she wanted to ban books and attempted to fire the librarian who stood against her), gun control,
the separation of church and state, and polar bears. To say nothing of her complete lack
of real preparation to become the second-most-powerful person on the
planet.

We want to clarify that we are not against Sarah Palin as a woman, a
mother, or, for that matter, a parent of a pregnant teenager, but solely as a
rash, incompetent, and altogether devastating choice for Vice President. Ms.
Palin's political views are in every way a slap in the face to the
accomplishments that our mothers and grandmothers and great-grandmothers so fiercely
fought for, and that we've so demonstrably benefited from.

First and foremost, Ms. Palin does not represent us. She does not
demonstrate or uphold our interests as American women. It is presumed
that the inclusion of a woman on the Republican ticket could win over women voters. We want to disagree, publicly.

Therefore, we invite you to reply here

with a short, succinct message about why you, as a woman living in this
country, do not support this candidate as second-in-command for our
nation.

Please include your name (last initial is fine), age, and place of
residence.

We will post your responses on a blog called 'Women Against Sarah
Palin,' which we intend to publicize as widely as possible. Please send us your
reply at your earliest convenience. The greater the volume of
responses we receive, the stronger our message will be.

Thank you for your time and action.

VIVA!

Sincerely,

Quinn Latimer and Lyra Kilston
New York, NY
womensaynopalin@gmail.com

drill, drill, drill

2008-09-12T10:21:00.003-06:00

the following is a letter that was sent to me by email. i sent it to as many woman as i could but wanted to share this on my blog as well.
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Drill, Drill, Drill

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, 'It was a task from God.'

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S., but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, 'Drill Drill Drill.' I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?

Eve Ensler
September 5, 2008

like the sands in an hourglass....

2008-09-10T08:15:00.004-06:00

30 minutes of high energy, nonstop improvisational dancing.

jumping on the tramp with all 793 balls from our house.

talking about knitting and how much yarn is needed for certain projects.

map investigation.

discussion about casinos and gambling.

seeing pictures of las vegas at night.

watching videos of the blue man group.

going outside and starting our own blue man group except we have cooler names, like,
the xaviers, the cool brothers, and the tooty dinosaurs.

reading all about dark matter, mass, and gravitational pull.

learning to count by fives.

playing with the legos to make our own version of star wars 5000.

and all this happened in one afternoon.

two things

2008-09-09T07:42:00.003-06:00

1. there is currently a cricket living in my bedroom closet. it is like i am sleeping outside when i really am sleeping inside. i am wondering what there is to eat for a cricket in my closet.
maybe i don't want to know.

2. we are leaving for sunny san diego in FIVE sleeps! woohooo! we are all so excited we are gonna pee our pants.

at the park

2008-09-05T19:07:00.004-06:00

we discovered a new secret place in our neighborhood park. a shaded woody grove running along the stream. a place to dodge in and out of the tree limbs. a place to pick up the green slime in the water and wonder about it.

because we were caught up in the newness of our discovery i had almost forgot that i had left the stroller with all of our essentials at the start of the path, out of sight. while walking back to retrieve it i passed a young teenage boy with his hood pulled up tight, head down. i immediately felt a little panicked. sadly, my first thought was this kid must be up to no good. my reality doesn't often come face to face with teenagers, so, my reaction was immediately fear. my fear was shattered the instant we met eyes and he gave me a small, shy smile. i smiled back, glad to see that he seemed happy.

later, while walking with the kids to the playground we passed the same boy sitting in a circle with his friends on the bank of the river. they were talking passionately, laughing.

seeing this circle of friends made me flash back to my memories of sitting amongst my best friends. i smile while remembering the idiotic and immature, yet thoroughly outrageous fun we'd have. these friends will always remain as the roots of my spirit, my foundation in which i have been able to grow from.

looking back though i don't remember interacting with many adults other than teachers or parents. our existence was completely separate from our community save those few tolerated exchanges. it was just understood that you weren't really welcome or understood by anyone other than your own. this never really bothered me at the time, it was just the way things were.

that gets me back to my story of this young man. a little while later into our park adventure i saw that those same friends had gotten busted by the cops. they were being scolded and i overheard the words truancy, office, and parents. the teenagers all had their heads down. they were once again getting the message, you are not welcome here, nailed into their skulls.

my heart sank. i desperately wanted to meet their eyes, to let them know not all adults consider them troublemakers and want them rounded up in schools to keep a heavy eye on their every move.

it struck me then how sad it is that i never see nor interact with any teenagers in my life. even more sad that i have bought into the popular belief that teenagers should be hidden from society because they don't belong. how is it that i so strongly believe with all of who i am that children shouldn't be pushed away into schools but rather that they belong in the heart of our community, yet i had never thought about teenagers being a part of this discriminated population of children. when my children grow to become teenagers won't i want them to seen by their community as an integral and vital piece of the pie instead of being shut out?

i would never blame those kids for wanting to break free from the grip of bully adults even for a few moments and even at the cost of severe punishment. they need and deserve privacy and respect just like the rest of us demand. teenagers have it especially hard since they are stuck between childhood and adulthood. not old enough to be on their own completely while still needing the love and support of family and community, yet growing into this more adult mind and self awareness that truly thrives on autonomy.

that is such an unfair spot to be stuck in.

our society's current stance is to control these young people and give them absolutely no choice to the contrary. those that try to break free from this controlling hand are considered unruly and to be troublemakers. so the individuals that are fighting for choice over their own lives fuel the popular belief to tighten the iron grip of control even more and thus the ugly cycle goes round and round.

what about painting this picture differently? what if we instead welcomed children and teenagers alike with open arms into our communities? what if our town centers, parks, and streets were buzzing with youthful energy and people of all ages were free to mingle and learn from one another without fear of being hounded down? what if we loosened the grip of control on these young minds and instead adopted the beliefs of trust and loving guidance?

to some it may sound like a idealistic pipedream.

to me, it sounds beautiful.

and this mind shift of mine is all thanks to the young man at the park.

thanks to him i will never look at teenagers the same way again.

on politics

2008-09-04T15:22:00.002-06:00

i can't seem to pull myself away from the madness of the political climate right now. i have listened, read, and thought a lot about sarah palin and why exactly i'm even thinking about this woman.....i'm at a loss.

i watched her speech last night at the GOP convention and frankly, i was absolutely horrified. she talked nothing about her qualifications, experience, or how she plans to help americans. not a word about the real issues facing our country were uttered. all i heard was drill now! and more nuclear reactors! and, oh yeah, mean spirited, untrue attacks on barack obama. i was and still am sick to my stomach.

what i appreciate about obama is that he feeds our belief that humanity is overwhelmingly good and kind, that we are all connected by the common desires of freedom, safety, and happiness. what i heard last night was the fuel for fear.

i felt more hopeful after reading this. it's smart, well thought out, and anti-dramatic.

i also felt more hopeful after visiting the official barack obama store and purchasing t-shirts and a yard sign. i like to think that i am turning this frustration i am feeling and directing it to something positive, something that will help.

and because john stewart is funny, i watched this. he hits the nail on the head every time.

be still my heart

2008-08-30T21:19:00.004-06:00

all this week i was wishing that i could be in denver partaking in the democratic national convention. just my type of fun. being able to hear motivational speeches all week that get your heart thumping and your blood pumping and your heart soaring.....magical.

i watched most of the major speeches and my favorite was baracks.
he is brilliant.
and he is my president
if you have been living under a rock this past week, here is his nomination acceptance speech in all its glory.

summer's end

2008-08-25T21:59:00.007-06:00

"look it's my light.."

she's pointing to the sun setting between two peaks of the mountains, bidding it's farewell at the day's end. we are walking in the dusk, the cool night air is a welcome change to the stifling heat. pink sunbeams are dancing across her round cheeks and i stop as i let her words steep.

how does she know that?

and she is right, it is her sun.

--------------------------------------------------------------

i know it's been awhile and i've truly missed my little space here, but i suppose not enough to do anything about the nagging voice in the back of my head, write something already...
i feel i cannot catch a breath long enough to make the necessary space to write. not that recent life has been bad, just different. and busy. and different.

the beginning of my summer i was very out there, very social, always needing to plan a party. as the summer wore on i needed my life to be more peaceful, quiet. i am still in my summer hibernation realizing this space has allowed me to process all the changes. life and it's ups and downs is brilliant, no? it makes perfect sense to me.

chris started school. i almost did, xavier too, but then he wanted to be sure that i would call those school people and tell them that he is a homeschooler, dammit! so we both chickened out and good thing cause chris' school is more than enough. he likes it though, and i am so happy for that, and i must say that he is one smart cookie.

no job yet. i'm okay, or daresay happy, with that too. i'm slowly understanding that these things cannot be muscled and forced. if i believe, and more importantly trust, the right thing will come along at just the right time.
trust and believe, trust and believe.

i've radically changed my diet this past month and i have never felt better. i have always been a little sluggish, tired, overweight, and depressed for my entire adult existence and i decided i was tired (no pun intended) of teetering on the edge all the time. i really gave myself pause and listened to what my body was saying i should feed it. i decided to continue eating primarily vegan with no gluten and sugar. i also have been trying to eat many small meals throughout the day and have implemented fish oil and probiotics supplements. so to sum it up, lots of veggies.

lost nearly 10 pounds and am hoping to loose another 30. i have really been struggling with the weight i gained while pregnant with i feel like i have so much more energy. i feel lighter, glowier (my own word perhaps?) even. i've been discouraged that it didn't just fall off all on it's own like it did with xavier. it's so satisfying to make a leap of faith to change old habits, and then see that leap pay off in spades. and so quickly to.
i guess i'm the type of girl that likes instant gratification.
and i'm not afraid to say it.

peekaboo

2008-08-01T21:39:00.001-06:00

solving problems

2008-07-21T21:34:00.001-06:00

please watch.
then act.
this has me happy beyond belief.

hurray!

the radar

2008-07-16T20:44:00.002-06:00

the past weekend's chaos didn't ruffle my feathers in any major way. instead of a steep incline on the roller coaster of life it is better to compare it as a blip on the radar. not to toot my own horn or anything, but it takes a lot more than an eviction notice to send me through the roof in a fit of hysterics these days.
i cried only once.
just because.

i did find some cures to weekend blips though;

sweaty, hot hikes with the doggies.

followed up with huge ice waters and fresh raspberry slushies.

long, lazy swings in the hammock.

a little improv dancing to chris singing, i had the time of my life.....

and you can consider yourself cured.

rant much?

2008-07-15T21:44:00.004-06:00

i feel like a ketchup packet that has been squeezed dry and left in the road for car after car to run over.

today has been a decompression day after a loooooooong and emotionally difficult weekend. i'm in no mood for particulars, or on second thought maybe that's exactly what i need. a good ol' vent session. lucky you.
perhaps a list??

-the kids have been sick as dogs. first xavi, now soleil. sleeping next to them in bed felt like snuggling up to a radiator. i kept having dreams of the sahara desert. so. hot.

-grandma came and it didn't tun out at all how i was envisioning. i have a problem romanticizing the future and being gravely disappointed when the present isn't so rosy. enough said.

-day two of grandma being here we get served an eviction notice. pay rent now or move out in three days. it came as a total shock as we had kept our landlord up to date on our situation and she led us to believe she would work with us. thanks to very gracious family members we didn't have to pack up and move to god knows where. thank you from the bottom of our very grateful hearts.

-after we were able to pay our landlord her money, much to her dismay, she came to do yard work because in her words, the yard looked just terrible. i did the best i could with a push mower and clippers. i have seriously been out clipping the edges on my hands and knees because she hasn't provided us with an edger. anyway, she pulled out all the flowers and herbs in the front beds because she said they were weeds. crazy woman.

- in order to pay our bills chris took a job as a pizza delivery man. this is a good thing cause he's been rockin' the tips. the bad news is that it's a pizza place that never closes and has no delivery boundaries, so, he gets home when the sun is rising and drives to places 40 miles away multiple times a night. our brakes our sounding so squeaky and i get no sleep when he's not home at night. it felt like the twilight zone.

-this probably doesn't need to be said, but it bugged me nonetheless. i quit my volunteer yoga position cause they were ass hats. i got a nasty email after i let them know a day in advance that i wasn't going to make it to my weekly 3 hour shift because, come on, i had a lot on my plate. it irritated me that one thinks that they can send a mean spirited email and end it by saying namaste and poof! they are some enlightened individual.
kiss my ass.

namaste.

untouched place

2008-07-10T12:04:00.005-06:00

my grandma is on the airplane right now making her way to us. we are looking forward to spending a long weekend with her. it's been awhile since she has seen the babes and i know she will want to drink them in like honey.
contrary to what might have been said here in the past, both my kids are oh, so sweet.

i ran across the a poem that i wrote in middle school and was struck at how the issues i raise in my poem are the exact same issues that weigh on my mind and heart some 15 years later.
enjoy...

Untouched Place

All vegetation is plentiful and green.
Plenty of fish swimming in the stream.
Oh, how I wish this wasn't a dream!

There isn't a gaping hole in the sky.
Birds of extinction again start to fly.
No more little children have to die.

Wars and contention between neighbors will stop.
From the clouds only clean rain would drop.
Farmers assured of a plentiful crop.

All starving nations get to be fed.
The homeless and weary find the warmth of a bed.
Injustice and prejudice no longer said.

Education and knowledge no longer denied.
Society no longer based on money and pride.
Our dreams and ambitions we no longer hide.

For every disease is found a cure.
Understanding and love are given much more.
All of our worries we no more must endure.

Would we know how to live in this place?
Could we treat it with love and with grace?
Or again must it be destroyed by the human race?

(un) controlled chaos

2008-07-08T09:15:00.003-06:00

oh, lord.

life never goes according to plan, does it? always swirling rapidly above my head and i am always eagerly jumping for it, like a madwoman trying to herd cats . i think that if i can only catch it this once i can contain and control something that at it's very foundation is elusive and mysterious. my hands fail to grasp it and it slips from my fingers.
life plays on, yet always to it's own music.

my daughter never fails to amaze me with her spunk.
yesterday she ran into the living room proudly to show dad what she found outside.
a rat.
no kidding.
freshly dead and hanging by it's tail to the horror of both chris and i.
there was plenty of screaming and flinging of limbs. lots of, what the hell's and oh my gods.
let's not forget to mention the frantic calls to mother dear and the health department (who does nothing.) we scoured the internet to see if we have some sort of rat infestation. we don't. we then scoured our house, cleaning everything. we felt like some mightily filthy, dirty people. the type of people that rats look at and think, well there's a place that i can get plenty of free meals. unfortunately, the rat wasn't there to cook us a meal. that scenario, albeit very odd, would have been highly favored over the one that played out.
i am pretty sure xavier is traumatized for life. wouldn't you be if you saw your parent's acting like a bunch of freaks? he has been talking of rats incessantly and refused to let his feet touch our rodent tainted floor. he could only be carried.
in a laughable attempt to try to get soleil to tell us where exactly she found the infamous rat, we threw our hydrogen peroxide doused hands up.

and life was swirling overhead, always elusive.

look before leaping

2008-06-28T23:00:00.003-06:00

i make my mind up quickly. i'll readily admit that i'm not so good at deliberation regarding big, life changing decisions. i just do if it feels good. but, when it comes to deciding what restaurant to eat dinner at, well, i might have to pull out the pros vs. cons charts and data. that is what i call a tough decision. it's totally a big deal cause who wants to pay a crap load of money for food that didn't quite hit the spot? not me. no way.

what was i talking about? oh, yeah, thinking things through. like, for example, everyone in our household going to college at once. and while i still think it's a kick ass idea for chris and i to finish our degrees, i realize that i need to take a few deep yoga breaths and try out this new thing called, pacing myself.

so, chris will go to school first and i'll take a few classes a week to make sure that's what i want to do. at least that's the plan as for this evening. you see, along with the leaping much too quickly problem, i also have this other character flaw called being a flake. i loose my interest quickly and move on to my next leap.

leap, leap.

i really have no clue how this will all play out, or if it ever will. i am, although, feeling some winds of change heading over in our direction. i also know that i'm getting might itchy feet, but i promise to think it over for at least a minute or two first before jumping head first.

open a window

2008-06-26T23:49:00.002-06:00

three weeks and three interviews later we find out that chris did not get the job that we were so, so hoping that he would be offered. it seemed like the most perfect fit a job could get for my sweet hubby, and after he told me i almost cried. later that day i was near tears once more and about to send out invitations to my blast of a pity party when i, well, stopped. i thought long and hard about past so-called regrets and so-called missed opportunities and realized if those things had actually come to fruition like i had wanted them to, i wouldn't be standing where i am right now. on the corner of positively marvelous and just do it already.

so, we are thinking of making a big leap. taking a big chance. changing our lives.
and it's thrilling.

i am wanting to go to a small college nearby and get my bachelors in their fabulous liberal arts program. just think- painting, and photography, and dancing. oh, my! chris wants to finally get a bachelors in business management that he would probably take online, on top of a full time job. we would most likely have to enroll the kids in a sweet charter school, which is not so sweet to try to pay for. i would need to get a part time job as well. and the coordination to make all this happen on a continual basis is making my head spin.

is it just me or does that sound exhausting? and very, very expensive. anyone want to give us loads of cash and scholarships? or maybe, just maybe, we can convince the grandparents down south to live nearby and have lots of grandparent sleepover extravaganzas.
no pressure.

i think we are crazy to even consider it.
and even crazier not to.

hot and bothered

2008-06-25T22:33:00.004-06:00

there is a tiny moth resting on my computer screen cause the doors are opened with the hopes that our house will cool down. it's sooo hot. seriously. once again we have managed to land ourselves in a house with zero cooling options. no a/c, no swamp coolers, not even a measly little window cooler can be found. i suppose i need to drag my hot and very bothered self to a super store and buy a big box fan. in front of the fan is where i may sit permantly until cooler temps arrive.
see? i was complaining and whining about when is summer gonna be here already-and now i want it to be cool. i can't make up my mind.
the heat is making me very irrational.

what else? no job yet for chris. i started getting slightly panicked today, but then snapped myself out of it in a hurry. i have a long, sad history of getting overly crazy about things i can't really control and you know what i have learned? that being a crazy lunatic gets me nowhere, only the funny farm. the funny farm is really not so funny. so, i was very productive today and made myself up a real purdy resume, cover letter, and list of references. not the easiest task when you've been "just a mom" for the past 5 years. psyche!

the past few weeks have been filled with friends that we haven't seen for a long time and it has been so great to catch up. i have been feeling nostalgic lately because my 10 year high school reunion is coming up. hence, the need to catch up with friends that i haven't seen in awhile. it's entertaining to watch myself transform into some wannabe really awesome sounding lady while chatting with people i haven't seen for 10 years. i mean how many ways are there to spin my picking up other people's turds for the past, like, forever? i really want to be uber cool and smart about art, and books, and popular culture. turns out i'm really not. but, i am smart about chasing butt naked kiddos down the street, and making using the potty sound like sitting on a golden throne of fun, and tuning out blood curdling screams in the car while the back of my seat is being kicked so hard i think i will have whiplash. yowza.....
i'm thinking all is not lost.

an update about an upcoming update

2008-06-22T23:24:00.003-06:00

i know, i know.
i've been an ass hat about updating the happenings around here (or in my head as the case may be.) i think i can promise an update tomorrow.
so, come back later....
please?

papa love

2008-06-15T13:33:00.003-06:00

i look at him and think,

gee, if all the father's out there were as awesome as my babies' daddy, the world would be a much happier place.

i only hope that we treat him like the king he is every day, not just once a year.
happy father's day. and year. and lifetime.
we heart you.

{and happy father's day to all our rockin' papa's out there. we heart you too.}

shift: a continuation

2008-06-09T12:08:00.004-06:00

i wrote my last post with much trepidation. i went to bed uneasy, worried that i would be viewed as a negative nelly. then, when chris read it this morning he sighed and told me he had a problem with it because it seemed so doom and gloom to him.
then i sighed.
sigh.

after all the sighing, chris and i had a really cool conversation and i was blown away at his perspective and it helped shift my thinking to a different vista. it opened the door to conversation about a subject that is just plain uncomfortable to think about. i have always prided myself on being a person that strives to live a joyful life. to appreciate the little moments that make up our most brilliant lives. i'll be first to say that our lives are truly magnificent. but recently i can't shake the feeling that all this magnificent living could hinder future generations ability to carry out their own beautiful lives.

or can it be enough to simply live joyfully, with love and appreciation? can we tread as lightly as we can on our dear mother and have hope that those after us will have the same opportunity? can we strike the balance between being concerned about the future, yet live an abundunt present?

i suppose at the end of the day all we have is what we have carried and cultivated in our hearts.
for today, i'm banking on love, gratitude, and hope.

what about you?

shift

2008-06-08T21:10:00.007-06:00

i am in need of a discussion.
some feedback, if you will.

my head is so full of thoughts about the end of the world as we know it (i know dramatic, right?) i seriously think it's going to explode. seriously. i have been getting migraines which i have never, ever experienced before on a weekly basis. like lightning striking on the interior of my brain.

i have been having nightmare after nightmare about what would happen if we woke tomorrow with no water running from the tap or electricity that worked like magic. i can't stop thinking about whose diet would stay virtually unchanged if we no longer had the option of going to the supermarket or the fast food restaurant for food. i am feeling more and more disenchanted with consumerism and that our whole lives are built around money, accumulating more and more worthless shit, greed, and power. i feel saddened at the fact that even while standing in the middle of a crowd, i am still alone. that i live in a neighborhood surrounded by people, yet i am isolated. i am irritated that our public discourse is on how to make driving cars "greener" rather than why the hell do we need these cars in the first place. i have been dwelling on the simple fact that we are so out of balance with our natural world that it is inevitable that she will bring herself back into balance sooner or later. most likely sooner.
most of all i am so annoyed at myself that i am thinking about all these things from a place of fear, lack, and panic.
bottom line-i am annoyed at myself for being annoyed about thoughts that are totally annoying me. quite possibly consuming me. yikes.

how do i move on from this place of yuck?

how about i flip this fear coin and look at this issue(s) from a place of positivity? to see the silver lining. yes, our world is changing, no question, but why all the drama and fear of change?

i have been hearing a lot about a current shift in our collective human consciousness. a sweeping change in thought about what it means to live joyful lives that are no longer fighting against the very earth that sustains us. i know that i am not the only one out there thinking, wondering, and dreaming about what our lives will be like when we are more in line with the natural world. it seems that there are a lot of people that had never identified with phrases such as "saving the earth" in the past are beginning to act on making their footprint a little lighter.
that, to me, could definitely be seen as one of many silver linings.

so, now i am inviting you to ramble. let's get this philosophical party started! a few questions i've been chewing on......

what is the last civilization/tribe/group of people in history that you think lived most in balance with nature?

do you think there are real implications to living the way we do? or is it a bunch of new age hooey?

should we continue exploring on how to make our current way of life more earth friendly, or do we need to backtrack and redefine what it means to live a good life?

p.s. i don't mean for this to seem totally dorky or teacher-like, i am just in need of getting these swirling, often conflicting, ideas out of my head and into a more productive form. (i.e.-keeping myself from going crazy.)
xoxo

introducing...

2008-06-07T22:13:00.004-06:00

after so much dreaming, scheming, talking, and more dreaming about starting a music blog, chris has finally given birth to a pretty little baby named all in the music.

he's proud that he finally found the time (thanks layoff!) and i'm proud that he now can write down all his music smarts and put it out into cyberspace rather than talking my ear off while i'm trying to read a magazine and listen, admittedly, only half hearted. i know, i suck.
but it's so much better for me to read what is going on inside his brain instead of him trying to get stubborn old me to understand why on earth the man that composed such and such album is a musical genius. i can be quite thick when it comes to those things.

so, now he has an outlet. and i have no doubt that there are lots of people out there that will truly appreciate all he has to say. yay!

congrats on the baby,
baby.

in transit

2008-06-05T21:35:00.004-06:00

goes to show that i should never, ever sorta promise that i will post anything in a said time frame. totally against my nature. once the promise is made the motivation disintegrates and i am left a pile of unmotivated ooze. lovely thought isn't it?

moving on.....
i am currently in a state of flux. but surprisingly calm considering. chris got layed off his job last friday, and while it came as a total shock at first i have found myself very relieved that this chapter has closed and a new one is beginning. this in between place is pretty alright. i know something fabulous is just around the corner, yet i am really enjoying taking my time getting there. taking deep breaths and appreciating the place i am in right now.

while money is very, very tight right now and that brings stress, it comes no where close to the place we were in a year ago. it's like been there done that, i totally know i can handle a little ol' layoff.

truthfully, i didn't reach this zen-like place until yesterday. up until then i was wiggling all around uncomfortably in this place of void. seriously considering following my gypsy heart and packing up a rv and hitting the road. maybe find myself in mexico working as a housekeeper for a motel on the beach. my inner gypsy likes this idea sooooo very much. she gets all spastic and anxious and just needs to get the hell out of here already!! but yesterday while tucking soleil into bed i was thinking it all over and i experienced a whoosh of clarity. a much more reasonable and thoughtful voice, much unlike my own, entered the panicked place in my head and clearly told me to chill out. to stop wiggling around frantically and just be. everything will work out. it will be more brilliant than ever.

you know what? i listened and obeyed. did i have another choice? my advice is always listen to the voices in your head that seem to know what they are talking about.

know what else? chris had a kick ass interview today for a kick ass job that would give us more money than we've ever had before, plus we would have benefits for the first time in 4 years. hurrah!

you know what else?

that would totally rock.

this space between two doors is a pretty awesome place to be.

something new to look at....

2008-06-03T10:34:00.003-06:00

will be back shortly.
probably later today.
probably.

metamorphis

2008-05-26T15:48:00.004-06:00

i want to write about everything and nothing. the continual self-narration of the mundane and fantastical events of my life creates a sense that i have already written the important. and i have, but the words are in my head and no one can see them but me. then i wonder, does anyone care? are these thoughts worthy of taking up their small space on the web? and then i think about the constant and underlying urgency to get these thoughts out of me and let them land where they may. it comes with the need to clear out the clutter of my headspace which is feeling quite cramped these days. plus, i love the physical manifestation of the fluid flow of my experience sprayed all over a page, the words and letters lining up in a row, tidy and standing at attention.

this weekend has been strange. chris, bless him, handed me two nights to be unchained from the baby constantly chewing on my breast. both times i found myself at one bar or another, throughly enjoying the liquor and the conversation. opportunities to step out of my mold and the expectations that are placed on a married woman with two young children is liberating. like a snake that is shedding it's skin that was too tight and confining, i too am in transformation. i am unsure of where my feet will land once this scratchy old skin is shed, but am taking it one step (or shimmy) at a time, trusting that whatever and wherever i am is just right.

oh, yes....

enough

2008-05-22T22:44:00.003-06:00

i really want to feel that i am enough.
that i do enough.
that i give enough.
that i receive enough.
that i inspire enough.
that i giggle enough.
that i listen enough.
that i act on it enough.
that i create enough.
that i dream enough.
that i travel enough.
that i am tolerant enough.
that i relax enough.
that i see enough.
that i give thanks enough.
that i color outside of the lines enough.
that i remember enough.
that i read enough.
that i hug enough.
that i kiss enough.
that i am joyous enough.
that i learn enough.
that i share enough.
that i find beauty enough.
that i enjoy enough.
that i love enough.

working the camera

2008-05-15T19:34:00.007-06:00

the following pictures you are about to see were all taken by the little man, self portraits included. you gotta give him some major credit, the kid has some skills with the camera. the last one is my favorite. i can't stop saying, wow! that's super cool!

dedicated to the beautiful lady in the corner

2008-05-15T12:25:00.005-06:00

not wanting to draw much attention to herself she stands in the corner alone, away from the rest.
but once you notice her, you'll never want to look away.
she wears the season's beauty draped from head to foot, pale pinks and greens.
dipping and bowing to every rush of spring wind. the petals making up her most elaborate dress are all a flutter.
wearing the fragrant aroma of awakening, you drink it in. gulping it down until you are dizzy.
instantly she transforms the ordinary into the extraordinary. you are in the presence of royalty.
waking up the world around her, reminding them to shake off their winter coats and join her.
she is dressed to the nines celebrating the warmer days to come.
the dance of the season has begun.

fragments of time away

2008-05-12T14:35:00.004-06:00

the haziness of a long weekend traveling and visiting is slowly starting to lift as i settle back in to the mechanics of my usual life. there is also a heaviness of my heart which has me puzzled, and a heaviness of my eyelids which seem drowsier than when the weekend began. a combination of hours upon hours of driving, unfamiliar beds, children throwing up in the middle of the night, and walking a 10k all have left me fighting the urge to curl up in a ball and sleep away the afternoon.

some pieces of the weekend:

-i haven't picked up a book for ages. on a whim as i was headed out the door i picked up the memory keeper's daughter from my bookshelf. it has been a good companion for the stretches of highway linking our house to our destination. i ran across a passage that i felt moved to share,
"...she had been a fiancee, a young wife, and a mother, and she had discovered that these words were far too small to contain the experience."
i read this over and over again, struck with the simplicity of the statement that touches on the thoughts that are wrapped so tightly around my own heart. i also thought it appropriate for a weekend that celebrates the experience of mothers. happy mother's day.

-because we are so tight on money and worried how we would ever get our huge suv over 600 miles on $150, we took the friendly advice of our parents and drove s-l-o-w-l-y. it so worked. we got there on a half a tank of gas and averaged 28-30 mpg in a car that we are usually lucky to get 18. i grinned widely when chris declared "this is my new thing. i'm gonna drive slow everywhere now. why isn't everyone doing this?" why aren't they indeed! i was initially worried about driving 10-15 miles slower than usual with a car full of kids and the repercussions of making a long trip even longer. but, i will tell you it was by far the most enjoyable drive in our history of driving. there is something to be said for taking the slow road, meandering through small towns and enjoying the snapshots of a life lived a little slower. plus, we got there in about the same time it would have taken us driving like speed demons.

-cooking and scheming with my mother in law. there is no one i like sharing the kitchen with more. i just love to talk food with her, make food with her, and eat food with her. and i love her even when there is no food at all. i'm still thinking about our lemon cupcakes topped with lemon buttercream, lemon curd, and blueberry compote. mmmm mmmm.

-catching up with old friends. more to come on one amazing friend in particular........

-waking up early to go walk the mother's day 10k for the fourth year in a row. this year i noticed how yoga has really been changing my strength and endurance. i felt lighter and could breathe deeply for almost the entire time. i loved seeing my kids waiting for me at the finish line and my immediate reaction to start sprinting so i could show off my super mommy skills.

-learning to use my new sewing machine (thanks mom!) and learning some new knitting stitches.

-finally making it home and being enthusiastically greeted by our pups.

i breathe a sigh of relief and think that there really is no place quite like home.

headed south

2008-05-08T08:52:00.003-06:00

we are leaving for the magical landscapes of red rocks and sand. we haven't been back for a year and are eager to see old friends, familiar landmarks, and the jackrabbits at sunset. wish us luck that we don't entirely break the bank filling up our car with gas.....
have a fantastic weekend and a very happy mother's day!
xoxo

sunshine

2008-05-07T07:28:00.003-06:00

she's my spunky little girl.

a bag of lollipops eaten through in an afternoon. always wanting the pink ones!!

crawling around the deck with silver sparkle shoes on her feet and brother's boots on her hands as she meows loudly enough for neighbors to wonder.

running into daddy's store yelling "yay! daddy's werk" at the top of her lungs and then preceding to tear into 13 boxes of cherryheads. every third sugary red ball making it's way out of the box, through her chubby fingers, and onto the floor. it rolls on to find a new home under a rack of budget dvd's.

insisting beyond reason to wear 1 inch high flip flops on a hike with the dogs. she would never dream of copping out and just letting someone carry her. she wants the freedom and the wind through her curls, even if that means taking a spill every 30 seconds, her lip lops go flying.

scaling the kitchen cabinets without any effort to get a better look at the sea monkeys or to play with the dirty dishes in the sink.

thinking that when mom chases her bare bottom down the street, well, that's just about the funniest trick a gal can pull. she giggles wildly.

chasing a cat around an alley way downtown and when the smart cat flees the grip of this toddler she dramatically sits on a nearby stair with her hands drawn to her chin and pouts. "kitty run away. but, mama, i wuvvv him."

every moment a delight.
every second an opportunity worth exploring.
every beat of my heart that is melting for my spunky little girl.

it's my party....

2008-05-05T08:59:00.005-06:00

we had a very late night after our birthday fiesta yesterday. it turned out wonderfully. the food was, well, yummy. and we had a lot of it. the friends, well, yummy. and a lot of them, too. i think one couldn't find a better combination in the world than good friends and good food. the best.

i have to say that it was a little hard seeing the pinata that i had lovingly pieced together the past few days get beat into bits, i developed a bit of an attachment to it. but, the kids had a blast. it was worth it to hear the squeals of delight. isn't it cute? she was our chubby, super chick.

so, thank you friends for helping to make my birthday such a very happy one.

party preparations

2008-05-02T11:12:00.002-06:00

we're busy getting ready for our big fiesta sunday.
this includes the making of our pinata. paper mache is so up my alley.
messy, sporadic, gooey, fun.
hope you have a beautiful friday.

end of april

2008-04-30T09:10:00.008-06:00

love list

2008-04-28T09:03:00.004-06:00

{picture taken by xavier}

my reality has been very on the edge this past week. everything feels urgent, panicked, and rushed. i feel like a stranger in my own body. my thought patterns different then i have ever experienced. it has been difficult to see the silver lining, to find the beautiful. so, how 'bout i attempt a list of funny, fabulous, things that have a way of brightening life on the edges?

-i must be soooo behind the times. i only recently got introduced to flight of the conchords and even though it took much too long, i am relieved that i finally got to witness some seriously witty television. chris and i watched the whole first season in a few days and i'll have to admit there was much laughter to be had.

-another entire season of television was watched this past week, but this time i watched solo. oprah's big give was so inspiring, moving, just a plain happy show to watch. while watching i was wanting to jump out of my chair running down the streets of my neighborhood to see who i could help. you can watch all the episodes too on abc's website. now, give big!!

-music. if you look in the cd player in my car the one and only cd would be local crooners, band of annuals. the harmony, the lyrics, the urge to be in a smoky cowboy bar dancing with my sweetie.
all of it is good. check them out here.

-my friend steph's newly designed site backyard capers. to see her take an idea and just jump in head first is so motivating. i think it'll be such a resource for local parents and kids wanting to find fun things to do in the community. so awesome.

-the on again off again dream of living in an intentional community. no, most are not cults chris. most are just hardworking people trying to be in a community of like-minded folks. who can blame them?

-my birthday is coming! seriously, i love my birthday. i love the day of birthday, and i love pinatas and margaritas and cake. who can blame me?

hammock

2008-04-25T15:41:00.003-06:00

swingin' in the hammock,
swingin' in the breeze.
swingin' in the hammock,
between the trees.

swingin' in the hammock,
i could stay here all day long.
swingin' in the hammock,
and singin' my song.

looking for spring

2008-04-23T09:58:00.003-06:00

the up and down.
on again, off again.
push, pull.
balmy and frigid.
sun and snow.
mercury rising, then dropping.
the tease and stringing along.
the flirtation.
cold wind blowing.
pollination and subsequent sneezing.

this spring (or not) season has gotten me a little crazy.

when o' when will real, true spring be a callin'?

nature of things

2008-04-21T09:00:00.004-06:00

i just came home from a most beautiful yoga class.
i feel full, loved, at peace.
during savasana our teacher read a long and winding poem, all of it touching my heart.
but what spoke the loudest was (and i am repeating from memory,)

...we get caught up with our fascination of stuff, but the very nature of stuff is that it's never enough. when buddah came out of the wilds of the jungle to see the monks he told them that stuff will never fill you up, will never make you happy, because it will never be enough. or something like that.

love that.

party like a rockstar

2008-04-19T08:19:00.003-06:00

here's to having a rockstar weekend.

full of sunshine, parks, picnics, bbq's, fiestas, music, brunches, laughing, inside jokes, hammock laying, cat naps, browsing, trying new things, exploring, hiking, bike riding, dog walking, friend seeing, frozen yogurt eating, thrift store shopping, smooching, earth day celebrating, garden planting, spontaneous party throwing, long drives in the canyon, jam sessions, hot tubbing, slug bugging, art appreciating, tulips, family hugs, book reading, movie watching, and other most awesome and radical rockstar stuff.

oh, and don't forget record store day, today!!
good times.

mama's little baby loves rhubarb pie

2008-04-17T16:40:00.006-06:00

c'mon, another post about rhubarb, you ask?
why yes, yes it is.
what's not to love about my bordering on obsessive fondness for the fruit that is rhubarb?
why everything, there is everything to love.

i am determined that you love rhubarb too. so, here is more rhubarb love for you.

there is an incredible sale at my local market for strawberries ($3 for 4 pounds!) and i have been buying them up the wazoo. so, i thought another strawberry-rhubarb crisp would be just the trick to make a (small) dent in the many pounds of strawberries i have sitting in the fridge. this time i will share the recipe for this super yummy and super easy treat. don't be surprisd if it is gone within an hour of pulling it out of the oven. it's that good.

strawberry-rhubarb crisp

filling

1 lb rhubarb, cut into 1/2 inch pieces
1 lb strawberries, cut in quarters
1/2 cup sugar
1 Tbs. cornstarch
1/2 tsp. vanilla extract

oatmeal topping

1/3 cup rolled oats
1/3 cup cornmeal
1/3 cup sugar
1/3 cup pecan halves
2 Tbs. canola oil
1/2 tsp. minced fresh ginger

1. preheat oven to 400 F. coat 13 x 9- inch baking dish with cooking sparay.

2. to make filling: toss all ingredients in glass or other nonreactive bowl. let stand 15 minutes to release juices.

3. to make topping: place all ingredients in food processor and pulse until mixture is chunky and begins to hold together.

4. spoon filling into prepared dish with slotted spoon, leaving any liquid in bowl. discard liquid (or drink it, like i enjoy doing.) top with oatmeal mixture. bake 35-40 minutes, until top is lightly browned. cool on rack for 10 minutes before serving.

delicious over ice cream or with a dollop of yogurt.

--------------------------------------------------------
recipe taken from the whole foods market magazine. march/april 2008.

moments spent in darkness

2008-04-15T22:49:00.005-06:00

heart pounding.
head throbbing.
unable to get a breath of air.
eyes are hot, the tears bursting to the surface.
my hand grasping my mouth, holding in the scream that so desperately wants to escape.
my internal dialogue coaching me.
replaying the message that i am bigger than this.
it will be over soon.

it is 10:30 at night.
on the bed between two children that seem unable of sleeping.
i feel smothered.
spent.
overwhelmed by the demands of motherhood.
of too little money.
of unfulfilled dreams.
of feelings i am not enough.
of cold, dreary weather.

in that moment i cannot see how i will ever lift the fog.
i am a fish out of water.
frantically wriggling on the sand.
unable to fill my lungs with life.

surrender crosses my mind.

then, with the stroke of my baby's hand across my cheek and the question,
mama, you o-tay?
or, the little son snuggling my back and whispering,
why are you so sad?
and the darkness that was so stifling seconds earlier slowly releases it's grip.

i am laying between them.
listening to the calm waves of rhythmic breathing.
their closeness no longer feels like an invasion.
it feels like a nest.
and i am in the center of their love.

support your local record store

2008-04-14T21:57:00.004-06:00

this is for my music nerd hubby and the boys down at the record store. you guys rock.

please pop in to your local music store and let them know that they are special and wonderful and that you want to see indie record stores stay around for a mighty long time. here you will find a list of all the stores that are participating. you are guaranteed to find one near you, unless, you do not live close to any of the stores on the list. in that case, too bad for you. there will be great fun to be had, including live music all day and sales galore.

do what the cool kids do and shop local.
peace.

sun

2008-04-13T19:49:00.003-06:00

we are enjoying the warmness, the lovin' from parents and grandparents, and a weekend that left us wanting more.

what'd you do?

if you've got it, spend it

2008-04-10T22:57:00.003-06:00

during lunch i was reading my favorite local alternative paper and came across this gem of a quote,

..God is perhaps not overwhelmingly impressed that we managed to pick up our dry cleaning, if we haven't returned in kind the gift we were given to live out.
No wonder an antique word for money is "talent." It's a clue that we are supposed to spend it, spend it all, here and now.

i have been chewing on this since, and it just solidified my need to create, create, create. i am wanting all things arty-photography, fiber arts, writing, beading, collaging, painting. i have been dreaming up how i could set up shop on etsy, maybe selling at the farmer's market this summer. i have a talent and i have been called upon to use it. i'll own this. it can be mine. if not, i would be turning my back on a very integral piece of me.

last night i attended a book binding class with friends and i so enjoyed myself. i have been scheming up ideas on how i could run with this new skill. so fun to learn something new, especially with friends.

when xavier saw the book i made this morning he immediately went to work on a book of his own. my mama pride just swelled watching him pour all of his attention and creativity into his book, and it turned out soooo cute. he was pretty proud of himself as well.

also, yay! my in-laws are making a spontaneous trip out to see us this weekend and i couldn't be more pleased. i may get a modified version of the girly weekend i've been craving after all.

spread the love

2008-04-10T12:56:00.003-06:00

i was reading jen lemen's blog today and was brought to tears at the confirmation that each of us hold the power to do the impossible, that dreams come true, and that love rules.

please read about her project here and donate if you can. she has already received more than her budget, so in her own words,

All the contributions we get above and beyond our budget from now until May 8th will go directly to empowering girls to get to school and stay there until they have the skills they need to make their dreams come true.

yes! yes! yes!

and if you can't donate moola, you can still help by sending hope notes.

join in and spread the love.

processing

2008-04-08T15:21:00.004-06:00

there are a myriad of topics i would like to discuss, yet i need to think them through a little more before making the inside of my brain public.
in the meantime, here's a bit of what has got me thinking and excited.

shiny blue you
i don't have the skills to get anything i write published, but it's fun to daydream about.

growing naturally
a new webring brought to us by remarkable steph.

a girly tribe
i am totally needing a few days of girlfriends, laughing, creating, snuggling, empowering.
anyone in?

rhubarb
i've never had this fruit before, but since i made the most delicious rhubarb-strawberry crisp last night i am now a rhubarb enthusiast. i will share the recipe later. it's super easy.

the creative family
i am a admirer from afar of the amazingly talented soule mama, and am eager to buy and devour her new book. go girl.

funny stuff
for when one needs to laugh.

thread banger
oh, wow. there is too much to excite a girl here. check it out.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

do tell, what is exciting and inspiring you these days?

sugar high

2008-04-05T21:29:00.002-06:00

life round these parts has been just zany, crazy fun. it all started friday around 7 am when the most scrumptious donuts ever entered my life. and my stomach. sigh.
the sugar has been surging through my veins and making me wonder why i take myself so damn seriously so often. i decided that is silly and i shouldn't do that anymore. sounds simple enough.
life should just be one fat and happy love fest.
and include donuts.
lots and lots of donuts.

the happy list

2008-04-03T21:15:00.008-06:00

what's bringing the happies:

sleeping till 9:30 (say what!) and dreaming in vivid color.

we have babies!! hundreds of them. sadly, few make to adulthood, but it is crazy to see all of them swimming around in there. i started getting a little fanatical about the sea monkey info and spent some quality time here.

walking with the little son and the pups this morning.

"fronch" toast for breakfast. yum.

jumping on the tramp playing lava ball and the ultimate super xavi game.

watching soleil play with the same hugs, tugs, and grams carebears that i played with when i was little. she carefully lay them all in a basket and covered them in a blankie, all the while spilling her secrets in a sweet hushed voice.

hearing xavi yell at the dogs next door, go pick on someone your own size!

watching annie. love it, love it. one of my all time favorites when i was young. i swear i know every dance move and every note to every song.

the sun will come out tomorrow!
bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow,
they'll be sun!

blah, blah, blah

2008-04-02T15:35:00.005-06:00

a little blech, a little blah today.
trying very hard to be kind and centered, but it's not working quite as i'd like.
it's my punishment for staying up well past midnight watching videos on you tube about casting on for knitting and crocheting. i've done it before, just needed a refresher.
i needed to manipulate some yarn. to feel it curl and twist in my fingers. to create something.

drinking some tummy tea and have banana bread in the oven. those are both good.
i will look at the silver lining and remember that today is a day full of possibilities.
and that is all i have to say.

sweet

2008-04-01T08:43:00.004-06:00

you know when you have been waiting for a certain moment to happen your whole life?

you know how you have replayed your ideal way the moment should happen over and over in your head including what your reaction will be so many times it almost feels like it has happened?

you know when you see this moment happen to people all around you and feel pangs of jealousy and even anger because your moment hasn't happened yet?

you know when it looks like your moment isn't ever going to happen in your lifetime so you build a strong wall around in your heart to protect your unfulfilled moment so it will no longer be subject to the hurt and denial?

you know when your moment finally does happen and it happens in a way that is entirely different from the way that you made up in you head that you almost miss that it is, in fact, happening right now?

you know when your brain finally catches up to the moment and what is happening that you realize your moment was infinitely sweeter than anything you could have impossibly imagined?

you know when this moment happens and you have a chance to reflect on what happened and you notice that the dam of sadness is no longer held up in your heart and you feel so much lighter without that emotional baggage weighing you down?

i got my moment.

after nearly 9 years of being a couple, 5 of those being married, i finally got a proposal for marriage. i finally got asked the question, will you marry me?

and my moment was sweeter than nectar.
so sweet.

laughing in my awake

2008-03-29T21:24:00.004-06:00

the little son loves family togetherness. all of us embraced in a four-way hug laughing and tickling until we all fall down into a big heap of happiness. he loves when we all sit down together for a "beautiful dinner." lately he likes the idea of all of us trying to fall asleep on the king bed. the operative word being try. he insists on snuggling with soleil, which usually get her all crazy-like riled and they end up wriggling around the center of the bed like a pile of super-charged acrobat worms. over, under, sideways, through. chris and i lay on the edges amazed that it's this late and the kids are still this full of energy.
you wanna hear a joke, he asks.
okay, i say.
why did the elephant step on the quarter?
why? i ask
BECAUSE HE WAS FARTING!!!!!

the punchline always gets delivered a few octanes higher and a few decibels louder than the rest of the joke. his jokes are inventive and thought up on the spot, but what gets me laughing is how funny he thinks his jokes are. his laughter is never forced, always smooth.
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there has been a sad song in my soul for the past few days, giving me a heavy heart and causing me to cry whenever i get the chance to be alone. i want to chalk it up to hormones but am thinking it is a signal for me to shake something up. i have been dreaming of some weekend retreat where i could spend some serious time with myself and try to decode the sadness. i need to have enough time away to miss my kids and spouse. i miss having the chance to miss them.

it's not all violins and cry me a river. there is always goodness to be found. always a light at the end of the tunnel.
and so i continue forward.

the writing on the wall

2008-03-28T21:27:00.003-06:00

i like to think there is a bathroom wall writing fairy guru spreading messages of love and peace in public bathrooms all over the world.

don't you?

wise words

2008-03-26T16:05:00.004-06:00

lately i've been chewing on ideas about marriage. one thing i know for sure, marriage is hard.

sometimes extremely hard. and occasionally it's run-out-of the-house-screaming-and pulling-your-hair-out-leaving-for-mexico-and-never-coming-back-hard.

alright, i'm being a tad dramatic. i haven't reached the fleeing to mexico bit (with the exception of inside my head) i'd like to say that reading wise words like those i'm about to share help keep me in a sane place. realizing that in those times of flight or fight rather then looking to my partner as the culprit and cause of my lunacy, i instead need to take a long hard look at myself and start digging deep to find the imbalance. i operate in a way that if the scales are tipped in my internal equilibrium i immediately begin to kick up dust to cover up my craziness. i point fingers, throw tantrums, and pick fights. sometimes it takes me a few days, or weeks, to come to the big realization that no one else controls my moods and happiness, but me.

anyway, this past week i had been kicking up some major dust and ran along this bit of wisdom. it is from crescent dragonwagon's site, a remarkable cook, writer, and woman. thanks crescent for throwing me a reality check.

Their marriage, like all marriages, was not exempt from difficult times, because difficult times are the way marriages grow and change, the way individuals in marriages become more emotionally resilient and fully adult... paradoxically, more themselves as separate human beings as and while they develop the ability to be more and more fully with each other. This is how it happened with Ned and CD, as it does for every couple willing not to not walk away, nor just to hang in there as a couple suffering, but to actually do pick-and-shovel work on themselves, individually, as opposed to thinking the partner should change. It’s mysterious, glorious and surprisingly strange that only in a deeply committed relationship is one given this opportunity quite so clearly. And eventually it turns out that “problems” in a marriage, though unpleasant and painful, aren't problems after all --- they are just part of the way marriage works.

get your spring on

2008-03-25T08:26:00.006-06:00

hi there. it's been awhile.

here's a few things that i LOVED about this past weekend, just for you.

-this band rocks my world. oh, my how i enjoyed driving solo with the stereo pumping the tunes while playing the mini drums on my steering wheel. i think i will have my people contact their people and find me a spot in the band. surely i could play the maracas or something.

-sunny girl's yellow and white polka dot easter dress. too cute. even cuter when she kept bumping into the fridge cause she was a little dizzy from twirling in her new garb.

- very late night chats about everything.

-seeing a robin and butterfly in my backyard within 5 seconds of eachother. the first of the season.

-pizza that is divine. also divine is watching the punk rockers in the kitchen spinning huge disks of dough over their heads.

-playing full contact yahtzee with the family while laughing my behind off. then, laughing 'till i peed my pants after spraying crumbs all over myself while announcing that, "boys drool." cause they do.

-this video. i watched it four times. so profound. more on this in a later post.

-buds on the trees.

-easter egg hunts at the park with friends.

-having my cheeks ache from smiling so hard while watching xavi wedged between his beloved grandparents as he earnestly told them tale after imaginative tale.

-walking to easter brunch at the neighborhood diner. so yummy.

-talking with a dear friend (thank you) about matters that were weighing me down and feeling lighter after doing so.

-scandalous sea monkeys that are mating after only being alive for six weeks. is that even legal? i totally can't stop staring.

-vegan lemon pudding cake.

-bright pink yoga pants from steve and barry's.

-boing! setting up the tramp. boing!

-it's finally spring and i think that's fantastical. don't you?

dream date

2008-03-19T11:31:00.003-06:00

just a thought....

if you were to take yourself on a date and you were really trying to impress this person, like, you sooo wanted this person to think you were the bees knees. not to mention, fabulous, smart, and a total catch.

what would you wear on your date?

where would you go?

what would you do?

what would you tell this person about your job?

your hobbies?

your dreams?

your fundamental values?

now- how different or alike is this "date" from your reality right now? do we treat ourselves like the total catch that we are, or save our wow power for someone else?

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love this person that you are today. right now. in this moment.

take yourself on that date already.