Tuesday, April 15, 2008
moments spent in darkness
heart pounding.
head throbbing.
unable to get a breath of air.
eyes are hot, the tears bursting to the surface.
my hand grasping my mouth, holding in the scream that so desperately wants to escape.
my internal dialogue coaching me.
replaying the message that i am bigger than this.
it will be over soon.
it is 10:30 at night.
on the bed between two children that seem unable of sleeping.
i feel smothered.
spent.
overwhelmed by the demands of motherhood.
of too little money.
of unfulfilled dreams.
of feelings i am not enough.
of cold, dreary weather.
in that moment i cannot see how i will ever lift the fog.
i am a fish out of water.
frantically wriggling on the sand.
unable to fill my lungs with life.
surrender crosses my mind.
then, with the stroke of my baby's hand across my cheek and the question,
mama, you o-tay?
or, the little son snuggling my back and whispering,
why are you so sad?
and the darkness that was so stifling seconds earlier slowly releases it's grip.
i am laying between them.
listening to the calm waves of rhythmic breathing.
their closeness no longer feels like an invasion.
it feels like a nest.
and i am in the center of their love.
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3 comments:
Oh, honey!!
Do you wanna come over to my messy house and scream at me?
I'll listen....
Wow! Your words are so filled with emotion and feeling. I've had similar moments at one time or another, but would never have been able to express them in the way you did here.
And, aren't we so lucky to share our lives with these wise souls we call our children?
Aubrey-
How beautiful! I know that feeling, I've been there.
What is it about night time that brings out all our fears? Thank goodness for our babies who always help put things in perspective.
LeeAnn (mom of Cody and Lexi)
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