at the park

we discovered a new secret place in our neighborhood park. a shaded woody grove running along the stream. a place to dodge in and out of the tree limbs. a place to pick up the green slime in the water and wonder about it.

because we were caught up in the newness of our discovery i had almost forgot that i had left the stroller with all of our essentials at the start of the path, out of sight. while walking back to retrieve it i passed a young teenage boy with his hood pulled up tight, head down. i immediately felt a little panicked. sadly, my first thought was this kid must be up to no good. my reality doesn't often come face to face with teenagers, so, my reaction was immediately fear. my fear was shattered the instant we met eyes and he gave me a small, shy smile. i smiled back, glad to see that he seemed happy.

later, while walking with the kids to the playground we passed the same boy sitting in a circle with his friends on the bank of the river. they were talking passionately, laughing.

seeing this circle of friends made me flash back to my memories of sitting amongst my best friends. i smile while remembering the idiotic and immature, yet thoroughly outrageous fun we'd have. these friends will always remain as the roots of my spirit, my foundation in which i have been able to grow from.

looking back though i don't remember interacting with many adults other than teachers or parents. our existence was completely separate from our community save those few tolerated exchanges. it was just understood that you weren't really welcome or understood by anyone other than your own. this never really bothered me at the time, it was just the way things were.

that gets me back to my story of this young man. a little while later into our park adventure i saw that those same friends had gotten busted by the cops. they were being scolded and i overheard the words truancy, office, and parents. the teenagers all had their heads down. they were once again getting the message, you are not welcome here, nailed into their skulls.

my heart sank. i desperately wanted to meet their eyes, to let them know not all adults consider them troublemakers and want them rounded up in schools to keep a heavy eye on their every move.

it struck me then how sad it is that i never see nor interact with any teenagers in my life. even more sad that i have bought into the popular belief that teenagers should be hidden from society because they don't belong. how is it that i so strongly believe with all of who i am that children shouldn't be pushed away into schools but rather that they belong in the heart of our community, yet i had never thought about teenagers being a part of this discriminated population of children. when my children grow to become teenagers won't i want them to seen by their community as an integral and vital piece of the pie instead of being shut out?

i would never blame those kids for wanting to break free from the grip of bully adults even for a few moments and even at the cost of severe punishment. they need and deserve privacy and respect just like the rest of us demand. teenagers have it especially hard since they are stuck between childhood and adulthood. not old enough to be on their own completely while still needing the love and support of family and community, yet growing into this more adult mind and self awareness that truly thrives on autonomy.

that is such an unfair spot to be stuck in.

our society's current stance is to control these young people and give them absolutely no choice to the contrary. those that try to break free from this controlling hand are considered unruly and to be troublemakers. so the individuals that are fighting for choice over their own lives fuel the popular belief to tighten the iron grip of control even more and thus the ugly cycle goes round and round.

what about painting this picture differently? what if we instead welcomed children and teenagers alike with open arms into our communities? what if our town centers, parks, and streets were buzzing with youthful energy and people of all ages were free to mingle and learn from one another without fear of being hounded down? what if we loosened the grip of control on these young minds and instead adopted the beliefs of trust and loving guidance?

to some it may sound like a idealistic pipedream.

to me, it sounds beautiful.

and this mind shift of mine is all thanks to the young man at the park.

thanks to him i will never look at teenagers the same way again.

shift: a continuation

i wrote my last post with much trepidation. i went to bed uneasy, worried that i would be viewed as a negative nelly. then, when chris read it this morning he sighed and told me he had a problem with it because it seemed so doom and gloom to him.
then i sighed.
sigh.

after all the sighing, chris and i had a really cool conversation and i was blown away at his perspective and it helped shift my thinking to a different vista. it opened the door to conversation about a subject that is just plain uncomfortable to think about. i have always prided myself on being a person that strives to live a joyful life. to appreciate the little moments that make up our most brilliant lives. i'll be first to say that our lives are truly magnificent. but recently i can't shake the feeling that all this magnificent living could hinder future generations ability to carry out their own beautiful lives.

or can it be enough to simply live joyfully, with love and appreciation? can we tread as lightly as we can on our dear mother and have hope that those after us will have the same opportunity? can we strike the balance between being concerned about the future, yet live an abundunt present?

i suppose at the end of the day all we have is what we have carried and cultivated in our hearts.
for today, i'm banking on love, gratitude, and hope.

what about you?

shift

i am in need of a discussion.
some feedback, if you will.

my head is so full of thoughts about the end of the world as we know it (i know dramatic, right?) i seriously think it's going to explode. seriously. i have been getting migraines which i have never, ever experienced before on a weekly basis. like lightning striking on the interior of my brain.

i have been having nightmare after nightmare about what would happen if we woke tomorrow with no water running from the tap or electricity that worked like magic. i can't stop thinking about whose diet would stay virtually unchanged if we no longer had the option of going to the supermarket or the fast food restaurant for food. i am feeling more and more disenchanted with consumerism and that our whole lives are built around money, accumulating more and more worthless shit, greed, and power. i feel saddened at the fact that even while standing in the middle of a crowd, i am still alone. that i live in a neighborhood surrounded by people, yet i am isolated. i am irritated that our public discourse is on how to make driving cars "greener" rather than why the hell do we need these cars in the first place. i have been dwelling on the simple fact that we are so out of balance with our natural world that it is inevitable that she will bring herself back into balance sooner or later. most likely sooner.
most of all i am so annoyed at myself that i am thinking about all these things from a place of fear, lack, and panic.
bottom line-i am annoyed at myself for being annoyed about thoughts that are totally annoying me. quite possibly consuming me. yikes.


how do i move on from this place of yuck?

how about i flip this fear coin and look at this issue(s) from a place of positivity? to see the silver lining. yes, our world is changing, no question, but why all the drama and fear of change?

i have been hearing a lot about a current shift in our collective human consciousness. a sweeping change in thought about what it means to live joyful lives that are no longer fighting against the very earth that sustains us. i know that i am not the only one out there thinking, wondering, and dreaming about what our lives will be like when we are more in line with the natural world. it seems that there are a lot of people that had never identified with phrases such as "saving the earth" in the past are beginning to act on making their footprint a little lighter.
that, to me, could definitely be seen as one of many silver linings.

so, now i am inviting you to ramble. let's get this philosophical party started! a few questions i've been chewing on......

what is the last civilization/tribe/group of people in history that you think lived most in balance with nature?

do you think there are real implications to living the way we do? or is it a bunch of new age hooey?

should we continue exploring on how to make our current way of life more earth friendly, or do we need to backtrack and redefine what it means to live a good life?

p.s. i don't mean for this to seem totally dorky or teacher-like, i am just in need of getting these swirling, often conflicting, ideas out of my head and into a more productive form. (i.e.-keeping myself from going crazy.)
xoxo

metamorphis

i want to write about everything and nothing. the continual self-narration of the mundane and fantastical events of my life creates a sense that i have already written the important. and i have, but the words are in my head and no one can see them but me. then i wonder, does anyone care? are these thoughts worthy of taking up their small space on the web? and then i think about the constant and underlying urgency to get these thoughts out of me and let them land where they may. it comes with the need to clear out the clutter of my headspace which is feeling quite cramped these days. plus, i love the physical manifestation of the fluid flow of my experience sprayed all over a page, the words and letters lining up in a row, tidy and standing at attention.

this weekend has been strange. chris, bless him, handed me two nights to be unchained from the baby constantly chewing on my breast. both times i found myself at one bar or another, throughly enjoying the liquor and the conversation. opportunities to step out of my mold and the expectations that are placed on a married woman with two young children is liberating. like a snake that is shedding it's skin that was too tight and confining, i too am in transformation. i am unsure of where my feet will land once this scratchy old skin is shed, but am taking it one step (or shimmy) at a time, trusting that whatever and wherever i am is just right.

oh, yes....

nature of things

i just came home from a most beautiful yoga class.
i feel full, loved, at peace.
during savasana our teacher read a long and winding poem, all of it touching my heart.
but what spoke the loudest was (and i am repeating from memory,)

...we get caught up with our fascination of stuff, but the very nature of stuff is that it's never enough. when buddah came out of the wilds of the jungle to see the monks he told them that stuff will never fill you up, will never make you happy, because it will never be enough. or something like that.


love that.

drip, drip

Yoga has become a lifeline for me. I had never before practiced yoga in any serious form aside from an occasional class or watching a yoga video, but a few weeks ago I couldn't ignore the pull inside my heart to get my butt to a yoga class. Of course, because the universe is gracious, there was a magnificent studio blocks from my home with an affordable unlimited month pass. And it came to pass that I attended my first "real" yoga class, and I was hooked.

I loved how my muscles ached from being stretched again after such a long hiatus, how my abs felt a dull, but happy burn, how cleansing it felt to sweat from the effort of a good workout. Most of all, though, I loved the peace.

The peace in my mind and my heart was something my mind and heart had been waiting a long, long time for. Very patiently, I might add, but once they had felt the peace that was possible in an hour of yoga, it wanted more. Now.

I couldn't get enough. As soon as my feet hit the pavement of the parking lot after class they wanted to turn right back around. My family, especially Chris, was so patient that first week of my discovering yoga, allowing me to go at every opportunity. Chris would say, I love how calm and centered you are when you come home. That made me so happy. I was thrilled that this peace I was obtaining through yoga was spilling out into the rest of my life. Because I was happy, my family, too, were able to find their own joy a little easier. Life suddenly felt more calm and I found that things that had pushed my buttons before didn't trigger a reaction quite so easily. I didn't loose my cool (very often) with the kids, I didn't react badly when I got poor news, I felt healthy and strong, it was much easier to see my beautiful life and give gratitude for it. I was by no means perfect, (although perfection has never been a goal of mine, where's the challenge in that?) but I was finding it easier to find my joy.

I also felt like I was finding out who I am deep down inside this soul of mine. I started listening to this Aubrey that I have kept locked up for, well, forever. I am finding out what she loves to do and what makes her happy, and I am really trying to make those loves a reality. In the past few weeks I have done things that I either haven't done in a decade, or have never done, but always wanted to. Like, go on a real date, attend a play and a modern dance performance, as well as go to a dance class. Now my dreams, or the person that I spend so much time fantasizing about being don't seem so far away. Actually, they aren't anywhere out there. They are inside me. I just need to stop daydreaming and start doing.

I have found My Path.

My whole life I have been stumbling around in the dark trying to find a path that fit me and felt like I have come home. I have come close before, but have always allowed for distractions and stop signs. Usually, because I worried what others may think and how they would react to my finding my way. I have tried on others' paths because, hey, it works for them, it must work for me too, right? But I have found that paths are not one size fits all. Because someone was able to find God (or whatever is right by you) by following steps A, B, C does not mean that I follow the same steps and I find God too. We all are unique, doesn't it make sense that our paths will be unique too?

We human beings tend to feel threatened though by the idea of everyone having their own unique path. We instead like to have the one size fits all mentality and have a hard time when someone bucks the trend. Why is this? Is it because there is safety in numbers? Or is it just simply easier to follow a well worn path, no matter where it leads, instead of blazing our own? Please know, I ask these questions with a sincere heart, and am hoping they are not taken as me being patronizing. I suppose I am just imaging what our world would be like if we were asking these questions and giving truthful answers. I am imagining how many wars that could be erased and how many hearts that could be healed. I am thinking of the happiness that could be felt round the world if everyone was given the permission and encouragement to find the path that is most aligned with their hearts no matter how different it looks from ours.

So, I am really digging this peace in my heart. Right now what I am feeling is just a faint drip, drip out of the faucet of joy. I get dizzy with delight at the possibility of learning how to turn it up to a continual, everlasting flow.

focusing inward

I have been feeling swirly and up in the clouds lately. I have been making some much-needed and long overdue connections and understandings within myself. Understanding a portion of my inner mysteries is exhilarating and freeing, but hard work. I feel that I have been focusing inward with great focus and when coming out of my head and trying to form coherent thoughts on the subject, or any subject for that matter, is like trying to walk through a lake of thick, syrupy caramel. (mmmm caramel....)

I have been reading Eat Pray Love the past week and it is mighty delicious and a perfect book for me to be reading at this minute of my life. Don't you just love synchronicity? I have been blown away by so much of the book and given the chance I would probably retell the whole book here so I urge you to go read it yourself. Here is an excerpt that I read recently that hit me hard:

"Your ego's job isn't to serve you. Its only job is to keep itself in power. And right now, your ego's scared to death cuz it's about to get downsized. You keep up this spiritual path, baby, and that bad boy's days are numbered. Pretty soon your ego will be out of work, and your heart'll be making the decisions. So your ego's fighting for its life, playing with your mind, trying to assert its authority, trying to keep you cornered off in a holding pen away from the rest of the universe. Don't listen to it."

floating thoughts

not cohesive enough to be formed..............

be the peace i seek

abundance

i am open to giving and receiving love

loved ones

courage

creativity

breathe

shift and change

surrender

listen to my intuition /heart

dance

move

spontaneity

meditation

inspiration

knowledge

faith

how would i be without that thought??

get on your feet

springboard

listen

power

peace

love love love

silencing the drunk monkey

Here in Hooliganville we like to refer to our ego as our drunk monkey. The seemingly omnipresent voice always igniting fear, shame, and discouragement. The voice that even though it stings to listen to, we choose to obey without question. Unless, of course, we acknowledge that the voice is there, and learn to stop it in its tracks.

The drunk monkey likes anonymity. It likes pretending it's not really sitting on your shoulder whispering lies into your ear. It thrives on our ignorance, our belief that what it's saying is true.

I took a good recognizing look at my DM a year ago, and I've been in combat ever since. The DM doesn't play by any rules and plays for keeps. It just wants you to keep quiet and play along, it doesn't go down without a fight.

When my DM is ruling my mind and heart, my world is very grey. Bleak, unhappy, and sometimes quite angry. But lately, I have had real glimpses of freedom from the drunk monkey and I want to stay in this consciousness. A place that sends tingles up and down my spine because it is so right. This place of hope, beauty, and purpose. A place where kindness and peace run free. A place where I can clearly see what it is to have my soul and heart lead the way.


I love this place, yet it leaves so quickly.


How do I get it to stay?


Chris and I were having a discussion about when one gets to a place of freedom, does that mean the monkey is for once and for all silenced? Or does the monkey rear it's ugly head now and again in a moment of weakness?

I am of the opinion of the latter. I don't think my ego will ever give up for good. The good news is, with practice the drunk monkey gets quieter and quieter until you don't hear it any more. It no longer gets a fair say in everyday decisions, and even when it does get a peep out, you no longer believe what it has to say.

We are biologically capable of changing the pathways of the neurons in our brains. Over time and with conscious awareness we can physically change our brains to seek out our place of peace rather than our place of fear.

That is so absolutely amazing...and hopeful.

The more we practice being aware and present, the smaller the drunk monkey becomes. With each small step toward our own personal truth, we become the creators of our lives.



ps-I love the movie What the Bleep Do We Know? and highly recommend all interested in silencing their drunk monkey to watch it. It much better explains the biological processes than I ever could.