sensitive

driving down the freeway this morning when the sun was barely peeking out from the behind the mountain. headlights zooming past, hot chai in a mug nearby, listening to NPR on the radio.
this would seem like a nice picture on the outside, but zoom in and see a heart that is feeling too raw, with a tinge of ache.

i hear a story on morning edition about kids from mumbai, india getting the chance to stand on the stage at the oscars in the spotlight while their families huddled around old television sets in their huts back home cheering their loved ones on. hearing this makes me cry, and i'm not sure why.

budget cuts for substance abuse programs, elderly couple in the restaurant trying earnestly to navigate their walkers, a young women in chains at the courthouse losing her child forever, my husband handing out money to homeless vets on the street corner......

snapshots of my day that cause me to wonder, why are we so cold to one another?

i have been trying to teach my son whom sometimes uses violence as a means to express his anger that when we hurt others we are also hurting ourselves. that we are all one.

a lesson the whole world needs to learn.

i want to tear down the walls that encase our hearts that have been built under the false notion that the walls are there to protect them, but the truth is they only leave us without the ability to care.
to really love.

i know that the only way to lead this movement is by example, so i will start with my heart wall one brick at a time.
won't you join me?
then we can be sensitive together.

again, again

here's me drawing in a huge breath of it's happening again.

here's me boxing our things and separating them into piles going to moms or the storage unit.

here's me with a heavy heart thinking of being apart from our pups for two long months.

here's me hopeful that they are showered with so many daily walks and cuddles that they forget all about us for awhile....almost.

here's me looking at the silver lining and being grateful for the financial breathing room.

here's me praying that we don't wear out our welcome.

here's me doing all those annoying must-do moving tasks such as collecting boxes from garbage bins all over the city and filling out change of address forms.

here's me rolling my eyes at myself for being a tad bit worried about what others will think.

here's me summoning any kind of strength i can receive that will help me get through one more move.

here's me dreading all the accompanying melt downs and temper tantrums that go hand in hand with switching addresses. and i'm not even talking about the kids.

here's me being obsessive compulsive about packing the boxes just so and not letting anyone help because they just don't do it right.

here's me listing all the junk we keep in the garage on craigslist cause i just don't want to move it. plastic swimming pool anyone?

here's me thinking that we are crazy people to sign up to move again in two months.

here's me begging the money gods for some sort of raise so we can actually afford something other than a studio in the hood.

here's me putting on a brave face for my children so they aren't scarred for life for our gypsy ways.

here's me filling my late, late nights with maniac gossip girl watching because i just don't feel like being productive. (did i really just confess to watching gossip girl? i meant, um, i'm watching something cooler and more mature than that.)

here's me with a heart full of gratitude for parents and friends that will always be out rock.

and finally, here's me hoping that in the next week my children will learn the art of voice modulation so we don't get kicked out of mom's house for being too damned noisy.

(my fingers are so crossed.)

UPDATED: just to be clear-no, my mom didn't give us an ultimatum that we either be quiet or else, i am just expressing my hopes that they will be. my mom has been nothing but generous and wonderful. we love you....

summer's end

"look it's my light.."

she's pointing to the sun setting between two peaks of the mountains, bidding it's farewell at the day's end. we are walking in the dusk, the cool night air is a welcome change to the stifling heat. pink sunbeams are dancing across her round cheeks and i stop as i let her words steep.

how does she know that?

and she is right, it is her sun.

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i know it's been awhile and i've truly missed my little space here, but i suppose not enough to do anything about the nagging voice in the back of my head, write something already...
i feel i cannot catch a breath long enough to make the necessary space to write. not that recent life has been bad, just different. and busy. and different.

the beginning of my summer i was very out there, very social, always needing to plan a party. as the summer wore on i needed my life to be more peaceful, quiet. i am still in my summer hibernation realizing this space has allowed me to process all the changes. life and it's ups and downs is brilliant, no? it makes perfect sense to me.

chris started school. i almost did, xavier too, but then he wanted to be sure that i would call those school people and tell them that he is a homeschooler, dammit! so we both chickened out and good thing cause chris' school is more than enough. he likes it though, and i am so happy for that, and i must say that he is one smart cookie.

no job yet. i'm okay, or daresay happy, with that too. i'm slowly understanding that these things cannot be muscled and forced. if i believe, and more importantly trust, the right thing will come along at just the right time.
trust and believe, trust and believe.

i've radically changed my diet this past month and i have never felt better. i have always been a little sluggish, tired, overweight, and depressed for my entire adult existence and i decided i was tired (no pun intended) of teetering on the edge all the time. i really gave myself pause and listened to what my body was saying i should feed it. i decided to continue eating primarily vegan with no gluten and sugar. i also have been trying to eat many small meals throughout the day and have implemented fish oil and probiotics supplements. so to sum it up, lots of veggies.

lost nearly 10 pounds and am hoping to loose another 30. i have really been struggling with the weight i gained while pregnant with i feel like i have so much more energy. i feel lighter, glowier (my own word perhaps?) even. i've been discouraged that it didn't just fall off all on it's own like it did with xavier. it's so satisfying to make a leap of faith to change old habits, and then see that leap pay off in spades. and so quickly to.
i guess i'm the type of girl that likes instant gratification.
and i'm not afraid to say it.

untouched place

my grandma is on the airplane right now making her way to us. we are looking forward to spending a long weekend with her. it's been awhile since she has seen the babes and i know she will want to drink them in like honey.
contrary to what might have been said here in the past, both my kids are oh, so sweet.

i ran across the a poem that i wrote in middle school and was struck at how the issues i raise in my poem are the exact same issues that weigh on my mind and heart some 15 years later.
enjoy...

Untouched Place

All vegetation is plentiful and green.
Plenty of fish swimming in the stream.
Oh, how I wish this wasn't a dream!

There isn't a gaping hole in the sky.
Birds of extinction again start to fly.
No more little children have to die.

Wars and contention between neighbors will stop.
From the clouds only clean rain would drop.
Farmers assured of a plentiful crop.

All starving nations get to be fed.
The homeless and weary find the warmth of a bed.
Injustice and prejudice no longer said.

Education and knowledge no longer denied.
Society no longer based on money and pride.
Our dreams and ambitions we no longer hide.

For every disease is found a cure.
Understanding and love are given much more.
All of our worries we no more must endure.

Would we know how to live in this place?
Could we treat it with love and with grace?
Or again must it be destroyed by the human race?

look before leaping

i make my mind up quickly. i'll readily admit that i'm not so good at deliberation regarding big, life changing decisions. i just do if it feels good. but, when it comes to deciding what restaurant to eat dinner at, well, i might have to pull out the pros vs. cons charts and data. that is what i call a tough decision. it's totally a big deal cause who wants to pay a crap load of money for food that didn't quite hit the spot? not me. no way.

what was i talking about? oh, yeah, thinking things through. like, for example, everyone in our household going to college at once. and while i still think it's a kick ass idea for chris and i to finish our degrees, i realize that i need to take a few deep yoga breaths and try out this new thing called, pacing myself.

so, chris will go to school first and i'll take a few classes a week to make sure that's what i want to do. at least that's the plan as for this evening. you see, along with the leaping much too quickly problem, i also have this other character flaw called being a flake. i loose my interest quickly and move on to my next leap.

leap, leap.

i really have no clue how this will all play out, or if it ever will. i am, although, feeling some winds of change heading over in our direction. i also know that i'm getting might itchy feet, but i promise to think it over for at least a minute or two first before jumping head first.

metamorphis

i want to write about everything and nothing. the continual self-narration of the mundane and fantastical events of my life creates a sense that i have already written the important. and i have, but the words are in my head and no one can see them but me. then i wonder, does anyone care? are these thoughts worthy of taking up their small space on the web? and then i think about the constant and underlying urgency to get these thoughts out of me and let them land where they may. it comes with the need to clear out the clutter of my headspace which is feeling quite cramped these days. plus, i love the physical manifestation of the fluid flow of my experience sprayed all over a page, the words and letters lining up in a row, tidy and standing at attention.

this weekend has been strange. chris, bless him, handed me two nights to be unchained from the baby constantly chewing on my breast. both times i found myself at one bar or another, throughly enjoying the liquor and the conversation. opportunities to step out of my mold and the expectations that are placed on a married woman with two young children is liberating. like a snake that is shedding it's skin that was too tight and confining, i too am in transformation. i am unsure of where my feet will land once this scratchy old skin is shed, but am taking it one step (or shimmy) at a time, trusting that whatever and wherever i am is just right.

oh, yes....