blah, blah, blah

a little blech, a little blah today.
trying very hard to be kind and centered, but it's not working quite as i'd like.
it's my punishment for staying up well past midnight watching videos on you tube about casting on for knitting and crocheting. i've done it before, just needed a refresher.
i needed to manipulate some yarn. to feel it curl and twist in my fingers. to create something.

drinking some tummy tea and have banana bread in the oven. those are both good.
i will look at the silver lining and remember that today is a day full of possibilities.
and that is all i have to say.

laughing in my awake

the little son loves family togetherness. all of us embraced in a four-way hug laughing and tickling until we all fall down into a big heap of happiness. he loves when we all sit down together for a "beautiful dinner." lately he likes the idea of all of us trying to fall asleep on the king bed. the operative word being try. he insists on snuggling with soleil, which usually get her all crazy-like riled and they end up wriggling around the center of the bed like a pile of super-charged acrobat worms. over, under, sideways, through. chris and i lay on the edges amazed that it's this late and the kids are still this full of energy.
you wanna hear a joke, he asks.
okay, i say.
why did the elephant step on the quarter?
why? i ask
BECAUSE HE WAS FARTING!!!!!

the punchline always gets delivered a few octanes higher and a few decibels louder than the rest of the joke. his jokes are inventive and thought up on the spot, but what gets me laughing is how funny he thinks his jokes are. his laughter is never forced, always smooth.
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there has been a sad song in my soul for the past few days, giving me a heavy heart and causing me to cry whenever i get the chance to be alone. i want to chalk it up to hormones but am thinking it is a signal for me to shake something up. i have been dreaming of some weekend retreat where i could spend some serious time with myself and try to decode the sadness. i need to have enough time away to miss my kids and spouse. i miss having the chance to miss them.

it's not all violins and cry me a river. there is always goodness to be found. always a light at the end of the tunnel.
and so i continue forward.

matters of the heart

today i am having plenty of deep thoughts and a few troubles, yet not feeling i have anything unique or interesting to write. i can't seem to put my finger on exactly what i want to say, yet feeling i should write something and maybe, just maybe, i will get some idea what i wanted to say once i say something.
ya know?
not really?
me either.

today i have a confidence problem.
maybe a little bit of a bad attitude?
more possibly a congested and cluttered head, sore throat, and need for curling up in bed with my sheets over my head.

my question:
how does one know when it is their heart speaking little clues to living your authentic and true life or when it is something else entirely? (ego, fear, lack)
how do you gain clarity when it comes to matters of the heart?
do you ever wonder, wish, or fantasize about how your life could of would of been, if only? or, are you completely sure of all of your decisions in life and put up the if-only blinders and forge forward?
does any of these questions even make sense?

any and all wisdom is appreciated................

life:unscripted

want to drive to san diego, like, right now?

i ask this of chris as we pull in our driveway on friday night. both the kids are snoring in their car seats in the backseat. i am not ready to be home yet. the ocean is calling my name. my idea to just drive away for the weekend sounds simple in my head. of course it does. no need for hotels or planned activities. all we need is the car and the beach.
we drive around the block a few times to talk it over and the details start to crowd out the simplicity.
oh yeah, we have kids. and dogs. and not enough money.
there is an audible pffff as air is slowly leaking out of my bubble of enthusiasm.
i am defeated.

and the weekend continued. and it truly felt liked i stepped into someone else's life for a time. the thought in the back of my head on repeat, is this really my life? the whole time trying to shake myself out of a dream-like zombie state.

10 pm emergency room visits complete with x-rays and dislocated elbows. breast infections. sleepless, stuffy-nosed nights that turn into very grouchy babes which turn into naps until six in the evening that then start the nasty cycle all over again. tantrums with claws. our lawn being sprayed with smelly fertilizer, much to our dismay. the bedroom feeling like hell's bellows when you wake in the middle of the night sweaty and parched. stepping in poo. daylight savings time. blech. i give daylight savings time a big ol' whatevs.

i don't want to paint this monster of a weekend picture though. trickled in with the craziness were little nuggets of fun. like, eating yummy homemade curry at a friends house. falling asleep with hubs on the couch while watching movies. chocolate mole covered burritos with the bro-in-law. walking to the park and running into a dear friend. yoga class. economy sized containers of organic blueberries from costco. frozen yogurt.

and much of my good weekend consisted of eating.

i am cool with it.

so, now it is tuesday and i am starting (very slowly) to get my bearings back. i am beginning to step back into my familiar skin and breathe a sigh of relief. the shoulders are relaxing. the teeth unclenching. the zombie leaving.

later zombie....

and that is the story.

the end.

thursday afternoon

xavier woke up feverish, sluggish, sick. he is now curled up on the couch with his blanket tucked around him like a nest. the kids are watching my little ponies, quite possibly the same movie i had watched many years ago.

my belly is full of leftover pizza and the most deliriously delicious chocolate cake on earth. it feels good to feel full, but not stuffed. i am a little hazy, a combination of leftover sick and going to bed much too late. i finished a book today, unsure if i liked it until the last few pages. my tears dripping off my cheek.

i have been thinking over the idea of honest, open heart conversation as a form of prayer. i am trying to conduct life with an open heart, no matter how vulnerable it feels sometimes. having an open heart during seemingly difficult conversations, then offering it up to God.

something else on my mind: the freeing power of choice. taking responsibility for my own feelings. never blaming how i feel on another. it is all mine. i came to a personal revelation the other day about choice and felt the shackles of blame fall away. if only for a short time, those few moments felt like i wasn't touching the earth. freedom.