Friday, November 30, 2007


Life has felt pretty peaceful. There is always a slight buzzing around the edges, whether it be the happy, jumpy buzzing or the stressed-out and overwhelmed buzzing-it is a constant, but the center feels warm, rich, and calm.

So, Chris and I became a cliche last night. Yep, we bought a minivan. We have been having quite the automobile dramas lately and our $700 Craigslist bargain officially kicked the bucket yesterday on the freeway. This is after only 3 weeks of owning it. Oh, and in the 3 week time span we (or rather Chris) had 2 near death occurrences while driving it. When we bought the clunker I was so giddy with excitement thinking I outsmarted all the suckers that went out and bought these multi-thousand dollar cars when I got a perfectly fabulous car for only $700. So what if the lights in the dash didn't work and you couldn't see how fast you were going at night. Who needs heat in the middle of winter when you have blankets to throw over your lap?
Let everyone stare while waiting at the light because your car is idling so loudly it sounds like you'll be headed for the moon in mere seconds. Xavier would say, the car is sneezing, and we would all laugh. Much better than being laughed at.

We really were fine shining a flashlight on the dash at night, bundling up extra-warm sans heat, and pretending it wasn't our car making all the racket at the light. We weren't so fine, however, when we had have it towed from the side of the freeway to our house where it now sits sad and lonely in the driveway.

Enter the super stylin', 7 passenger carryin' minivan (complete with a tape deck!!!) I suppose I'm a sucker and a cliche, but the heat never felt so good....

Anyone need a car???

If so, you better bring a tow truck.

first snow

I'm a few days late in posting this, but I had to post the magic that the first snow of the season brings.
How absolutely thrilling......

Monday, November 26, 2007

gratitude is for always

our family tree
This season of gratitude and Thanksgiving has been oh, so poignant for me this year. This fall I've been carrying with me a heart swelling with joy and thankfulness for the wonder that is my life and experience. I have noticed that it is much easier to draw on these feelings of happiness in times of doubt and need, that it doesn't take as much time to dig down deep into my soul, wrangle the happy feelings, and pull them to the surface.

The meal

My in laws came up to the big city to celebrate the holiday with us. They too are vegans so planning and cooking for the big meal gave much more satisfaction than in Thanksgivings past. I guess I had never realized it before, but celebrating a meal the centers around a dead animal was rather dismal. Only being able to eat and enjoy the side dishes to the turkey, well....sucked. This year being able to imagine and put into place an entire meal that we could all take part in and relish with delight was very delicious indeed.

The table

I have been astonished at the realization that we are soon entering the winter season and all the celebrations that winter contains, and wonder where the time goes. The quickly passing time is a reminder to me that in every moment, every tick of the clock, there is always something to be thankful for.

The Thankful Tree

Tuesday, November 6, 2007


Nothing better than getting together with dear, old friends and chatting it up.

Forever friends Amy and Sindee came over tonight to catch up since it has been way too long.
It was exactly what I needed.
What struck me the most when talking was how different and diverse our individual lives are but the ups and downs, the roller coaster ride of life is the same.
I love the validation and acknowledgment of, yeah, I hear you. Just keep holding on.
I love that there is no judgement, only encouragement and support.
I love that I have friends that have seen me in so many places during the course of my life and no matter the situation, they have never turned their backs.

You both mean so much to me and I will always have a place in my heart with your name on it.

Monday, November 5, 2007

intricate magic

I just recently finished reading Bill Carter's memoir, Fools Rush In, and I have been lost in thought ever since.

His is a story of a man that while coming to terms with a soul crushing hole in his heart, he is able to inspire and bring light to thousands. His personal tragedy, mixed with guts, teetering on the edge of insanity, and sheer determination; is the salvation for many.

One of many, many thoughts that resonated with me in this book:

I have never believed in the idea of coincidence: something that happens by chance in a surprising or remarkable way. It is the word chance that bothers me and I wonder if it is a word invented for those who who just don't want to see the intricate magic that happens in our lives, every day.

I wrote a previous post about how I am frustrated that with every feeling I have there is one that readily pops up to contradict it. Excited about my future and what it holds, yet terrified to make my next steps. Grateful yet angry. Shiny and happy yet terribly depressed. I have been stuck to the idea that I must be completely clear on how I am now to feel. That there should be an expiration date on my grief and once that date passes I should be ready to move on with a big dopey smile on my face. There was no way that I would be able to create the life I want and still feel sadness about my life in the past. I had to choose one feeling to feel when thinking over my situation and that is how I would end that story. Period.

Why am I being so damn strict with myself? Why can't I be feeling all these contradictions at once? Can't I just love myself crazy streak and all?

I am starting to see that all truly great people must embrace their own crazy sides in order to reach greatness. One will never be remarkable without being crazy enough to leap without knowing where they'll land, love so entirely it hurts, make mistakes time and time again, follow their heart and passions even when it seems absolutely nuts to do so.

While I do have my weepy, blue days from time to time. The ones where I hide in my cave of covers all day, I always come out of these spells feeling renewed and fresh. I spring from my cave full of ideas and a new sense of myself. I have allowed myself to feel sad and make those necessary, sometimes painful, mind trips. My soul gives a sigh of relief and I am ready to start anew on my path.

In order for me to blaze my trail in life I must do so by balancing all these contradicting feelings. Not dwelling on any one mood, but honoring and appreciating each one. Not just forcing myself to maintain positivity, but having the forward thinking to see that each of these feelings, no matter how dark, are all important steps in my journey.

And I will always be on the look out for the intricate magic......