::2009::

my creation list for 2009:

1. start my etsy shop.
2. drive an electric car-for free.
3. hold my first women's creativity retreat.
4. continue volunteer work for art community.
5. go on at least 3 overnight dates with chris.
6. start saving for volunteer trip to africa.
7. get part time job or volunteer at local women's rehab center.
8. help chris start his screenprinting ventures.
9. begin writing book with jana.
10. start a book club.
11. begin process of starting non-profit group.
12. plant a garden.
13. attend at least 4 live performances.
14. eat raw for one month in the summer.
15. go on family vacation to a beach.
16. purchase a SLR camera and take a photography class.
17. learn how to play the guitar.
18. take a painting class.
19. go to a dance or yoga class at least twice a month.
20. love more.

xavier doll

um, is there anything cuter than this?
no, there is not.
xavier doll has been played with non-stop, all day.
who needs expensive star wars toys when your mama can make you your very own doll to love?
he even got treated this morning to a delicious breakfast.
at the table.

tiny dancer

a large majority of the gifts i gave this year were handmade by yours truly. whenever i make gifts i tend to gravitate to the projects i haven't attempted before, with new techniques and materials. my projects didn't go very quickly. i started getting overwhelmed a week before christmas and a million and two things still to make.

so, after many 2 am nights and many sore fingers, i did manage to finish a few things. all my gifts were huge successes and i am particularly proud of ms. ballerina above.

is it bad to say i secretly wanted to keep her?

pause

where: olive garden
when: christmas eve
why: moms profile, xavi's suit, hand holding

::joy is for you::

On this cold winter solstice evening, I wanted to wish you the merriest of holidays. May you have abundant family togetherness, peace, joy, and lots and lots of love.
The Hooligans

::three::

we woke up before the sun came up and the moon went down. the brightest moon of the year, i will add. it was rather special to be in the town of my girl's birth and be blessed to rise in time to see this:

then we turned to the west and saw this:

as if the sun and moon conspired to give a ravishing birthday hello to my three year old soleil luna.

happy birthday indeed.
we love you with all our hearts....

it's my party

thanks to steph for hosting our birthday bash.
we heart you.

i am curious about this

folks, i love my kids madly, truly, deeply. with a cherry on top.
but, could someone please tell me what is so absolutely divine about chewing on ones toe nails and saving all ones thirsty feelings for the murky bathwater?
just wondering.

also, in much less icky news, my two year old will only be a two year old for five more sleeps.
where does the time go?

it's official

....i've caught that crazy holiday spirit.

and how can i tell you ask?
well, the 1 am craft marathons are a good sign.
i am also prone to bursting out in joyful song at the most random of times.
it also seems i can't get enough sugar in the form of baked goods and fudge.

so my symptoms can only mean one thing.

aren't the holidays fun?

cookies you will want to eat

i am tired but "write a new blog post" is on my to-do list.
one should never argue with the to-do list.
not ever.
so, i am going to use this post wisely and tell you all about the most delicious and sorta kinda healthy vegan sugar cookies that the kids and i made yesterday. making cookies and sharing them was our first advent activity, but we never made it to the sharing part. unless you consider sharing them with ourselves to fulfill the challenge, well then we passed with flying colors.

on to the recipe!

i adapted this recipe and it suited me and my taste buds just fine.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vegan Sugar Cookies That Are Yummy

1 1/2 Cups Whole Wheat Pastry Flour

1/2 Cup Sugar

1/2 tsp. Baking Soda

1/2 tsp. Salt

1/4 Cup Coconut Oil

1/4 Cup Canola Oil

1/2 Tbs. Vanilla

1/2 Tbs. Almond Extract

1 Really Smashed Banana

Mix the dry ingredients in a bowl. Mix the wet ingredients in a measuring cup (make sure they’re blended well). Stir the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients. Using your hands form the dough into a big ball. (If it sticks together well, then it’s the right consistency. If not, add a bit of water and mix it well.) Pu dough ball in fridge for a few hours. Roll out dough and use cookie cutters for cutting out desired shapes. mixture. Place on an ungreased cookie sheet. Flatten each Bake at 375°F degrees for about 7 minutes. Makes about 18 cookies. Of course, decorate using frosting, candy, and sprinkles very liberally.

list of loves

in need of a good soul scrubbing i am going to bathe myself in gratitude.
taking a cue from a neato blog i love, i too am going to list my top 100 favorite things, in no particular order.
deep breath.
here goes.

1. red painted metal
2. yerba mate
3. curls
4. the beach
5. snow cones
6. brightly colored skirts
7. ballerinas
8. loud drums
9. rust
10. pictures of feet
11. craigslist
12. dancing
13. date nights
14. holiday lights
15. cookbooks
16. lavender
17. co-ops
18. waterfalls
19. airports
20. vintage
21. wooden spoons
22. holding hands
23. vegan chocolate cake
24. thrift stores
25. bamboo knitting needles
26. yoga class
27. massages
28. inside jokes
29. volkswagon vehicles
30. new packs of markers
31. restaurant reviews
32. beads
33. sweater jackets
34. thai food
35. food processors
36. girl power
37. wine
38. drive ins
39. stars
40. hippies
41. the number 5
42. my birthday
43. eyelashes
44. the library
45. public transportation
46. bare feet
47. clothes shopping
48. ballerina flats
49. almonds
50. fig trees
51. holidays
52. book clubs
53. flannel sheets
54. fireplaces
55. dormer windows
56. toys from the 80's
57. modern furniture
58. old houses
59. walking in the city
60. animal adoption fairs
61. hammocks
62. fireworks
63. very large trees
64. russian sage
65. bakeries
66. margaritas
67. outdoor concerts
68. the smell of coffee
69. electric cars
70. birthday parties
71. reading blogs
72. non profit groups
73. photography
74. cooking
75. NPR
76. midwives
77. trade schools
78. zune player
79. soap
80. good lighting
81. irony
82. controlled chaos
83. belly casts
84. oatmeal
85. menus
86. white noise
87. green building
88. pacman
89. wish lists
90. late nights
91. farmers market
92. parks
93. road trips
94. lemonade
95. graffiti
96. whimsy
97. museums
98. my friends
99. my family
100. you

what he said....

lately, i have been steaming over the passing of prop 8 in california and can't fathom why people are so damn mean. this commentary puts into words what i have been thinking this past week.
watch and act accordingly.
keith, i want my name in the book of love!

:: yellow snow ::

xavier: aubrey, is snow a healthy food?

aubrey: well, it's not really a food, it's just frozen water.

xavier: oh, so you mean it's edible.


it cracked me up that my barely five year old used the word edible in the right context within a sentence. chris chalks up some of xavi's wide vocabulary to hanging out with trev who amazes us with his very advanced and varied word usage.

can't stop smiling

peace wins.

kindness rules the day.

love is alive.

As I hold my son on my lap watching President Obama, my heart is full and my eyes are teary. I can now give my children the promise that change and hope are never extinct. I have seen the unbelievable with my own eyes. I have witnessed history. I have seen that when we stand up together and join our voices and our hearts, nothing is out of reach.

the little vote that could

i've been quiet lately, i know.
i've been very distracted by this upcoming election, moving, and frozen yogurt.
can you even believe that election day is tomorrow?
i am letting myself feel pretty confident that things are going to go my (and america's) way and am pretty sure that i won't be eating my words on wednesday morning.
go hope!

here is my plea:
vote, vote, vote!
if you have already voted, you are awesome, but make sure you are doubly awesome and take some food and drink to those in long voting lines. or, drive all your friends to the polls. or, make calls and emails to everyone you know and remind them to use their magical voting powers.

alright, that all i got right now.
vote!

again, again

here's me drawing in a huge breath of it's happening again.

here's me boxing our things and separating them into piles going to moms or the storage unit.

here's me with a heavy heart thinking of being apart from our pups for two long months.

here's me hopeful that they are showered with so many daily walks and cuddles that they forget all about us for awhile....almost.

here's me looking at the silver lining and being grateful for the financial breathing room.

here's me praying that we don't wear out our welcome.

here's me doing all those annoying must-do moving tasks such as collecting boxes from garbage bins all over the city and filling out change of address forms.

here's me rolling my eyes at myself for being a tad bit worried about what others will think.

here's me summoning any kind of strength i can receive that will help me get through one more move.

here's me dreading all the accompanying melt downs and temper tantrums that go hand in hand with switching addresses. and i'm not even talking about the kids.

here's me being obsessive compulsive about packing the boxes just so and not letting anyone help because they just don't do it right.

here's me listing all the junk we keep in the garage on craigslist cause i just don't want to move it. plastic swimming pool anyone?

here's me thinking that we are crazy people to sign up to move again in two months.

here's me begging the money gods for some sort of raise so we can actually afford something other than a studio in the hood.

here's me putting on a brave face for my children so they aren't scarred for life for our gypsy ways.

here's me filling my late, late nights with maniac gossip girl watching because i just don't feel like being productive. (did i really just confess to watching gossip girl? i meant, um, i'm watching something cooler and more mature than that.)

here's me with a heart full of gratitude for parents and friends that will always be out rock.

and finally, here's me hoping that in the next week my children will learn the art of voice modulation so we don't get kicked out of mom's house for being too damned noisy.

(my fingers are so crossed.)

UPDATED: just to be clear-no, my mom didn't give us an ultimatum that we either be quiet or else, i am just expressing my hopes that they will be. my mom has been nothing but generous and wonderful. we love you....

the in between

apparently we didn't put our trust in jesus in regards to our tires since our rear tire blew out on our way out of san diego.
next time, i promise.

um, hello october. your here rather early.
aren't you?
i swear there has got to be some sort of mix-up.
i still had a lot of summerish stuff to do and here you are shoving fall in my face.
i have a major craving for more peaches, and tomatoes, and while i am asking, another trip to the ocean would be nice too. usually by this time i am saying yay! fall is here! but not this year.
at least not yet.

well, i suppose that might be a small lie, cause i did can things in jars. that's a fallish activity. and i did pull out halloween decorations today. another activity that is reserved only for fall.

sigh.

so i am halfway there between summer and fall. i sorta feel that i am always in the in between.

and while i am whining, is there anything more gross than fruit flies nesting on your toothbrush?
i think not.

they must have not gotten the memo that fall is here either.

shoo fly.

sea world is super

zoo

five

my beautiful boy is five today.
five years ago today i was holding my water baby unable to sleep, afraid i would miss a second of his content, musical sighs.
being five is absolutely magic.
happiest birthday wishes to you.

love,
aubrey

ready, set, go...............

we are off bright and early to san diego! hurrah!
wish us luck (we might hit the slots in vegas), good weather, quiet car rides, and most of all wish xavier a very, very happy 5th birthday!!

raise your voices

another letter i received that i thought was important enough to spread the message. please visit their blog and make your voice heard. also, please see my new sidebar of links titled do something!
hundreds of thousands of woman all speaking out together in the name of change is breathtaking.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello there--

Friends, compatriots, fellow-lamenters,

We are writing to you because of the fury and dread we have felt since
the announcement of Sarah Palin as the Vice-Presidential candidate for the
Republican Party. We believe that this terrible decision has surpassed
mere partisanship, and that it is a dangerous farce on the part of a
pandering and rudderless Presidential candidate that has a real possibility of
becoming fact.

Perhaps like us, as American women, you share the fear of what Ms. Palin
and her professed beliefs and proven record could lead to for ourselves and
for our present or future daughters.

To date, she is against sex education, birth control, the pro-choice platform, environmental protection, alternative energy development, freedom of speech (as mayor she wanted to ban books and attempted to fire the librarian who stood against her), gun control,
the separation of church and state, and polar bears. To say nothing of her complete lack
of real preparation to become the second-most-powerful person on the
planet.

We want to clarify that we are not against Sarah Palin as a woman, a
mother, or, for that matter, a parent of a pregnant teenager, but solely as a
rash, incompetent, and altogether devastating choice for Vice President. Ms.
Palin's political views are in every way a slap in the face to the
accomplishments that our mothers and grandmothers and great-grandmothers so fiercely
fought for, and that we've so demonstrably benefited from.

First and foremost, Ms. Palin does not represent us. She does not
demonstrate or uphold our interests as American women. It is presumed
that the inclusion of a woman on the Republican ticket could win over women voters. We want to disagree, publicly.

Therefore, we invite you to reply here

with a short, succinct message about why you, as a woman living in this
country, do not support this candidate as second-in-command for our
nation.

Please include your name (last initial is fine), age, and place of
residence.

We will post your responses on a blog called 'Women Against Sarah
Palin,' which we intend to publicize as widely as possible. Please send us your
reply at your earliest convenience. The greater the volume of
responses we receive, the stronger our message will be.

Thank you for your time and action.

VIVA!

Sincerely,

Quinn Latimer and Lyra Kilston
New York, NY
womensaynopalin@gmail.com

drill, drill, drill

the following is a letter that was sent to me by email. i sent it to as many woman as i could but wanted to share this on my blog as well.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Drill, Drill, Drill

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, 'It was a task from God.'

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S., but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, 'Drill Drill Drill.' I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?


Eve Ensler
September 5, 2008

like the sands in an hourglass....

30 minutes of high energy, nonstop improvisational dancing.

jumping on the tramp with all 793 balls from our house.

talking about knitting and how much yarn is needed for certain projects.

map investigation.

discussion about casinos and gambling.

seeing pictures of las vegas at night.

watching videos of the blue man group.

going outside and starting our own blue man group except we have cooler names, like,
the xaviers, the cool brothers, and the tooty dinosaurs.

reading all about dark matter, mass, and gravitational pull.

learning to count by fives.

playing with the legos to make our own version of star wars 5000.



and all this happened in one afternoon.

two things

1. there is currently a cricket living in my bedroom closet. it is like i am sleeping outside when i really am sleeping inside. i am wondering what there is to eat for a cricket in my closet.
maybe i don't want to know.

2. we are leaving for sunny san diego in FIVE sleeps! woohooo! we are all so excited we are gonna pee our pants.

at the park

we discovered a new secret place in our neighborhood park. a shaded woody grove running along the stream. a place to dodge in and out of the tree limbs. a place to pick up the green slime in the water and wonder about it.

because we were caught up in the newness of our discovery i had almost forgot that i had left the stroller with all of our essentials at the start of the path, out of sight. while walking back to retrieve it i passed a young teenage boy with his hood pulled up tight, head down. i immediately felt a little panicked. sadly, my first thought was this kid must be up to no good. my reality doesn't often come face to face with teenagers, so, my reaction was immediately fear. my fear was shattered the instant we met eyes and he gave me a small, shy smile. i smiled back, glad to see that he seemed happy.

later, while walking with the kids to the playground we passed the same boy sitting in a circle with his friends on the bank of the river. they were talking passionately, laughing.

seeing this circle of friends made me flash back to my memories of sitting amongst my best friends. i smile while remembering the idiotic and immature, yet thoroughly outrageous fun we'd have. these friends will always remain as the roots of my spirit, my foundation in which i have been able to grow from.

looking back though i don't remember interacting with many adults other than teachers or parents. our existence was completely separate from our community save those few tolerated exchanges. it was just understood that you weren't really welcome or understood by anyone other than your own. this never really bothered me at the time, it was just the way things were.

that gets me back to my story of this young man. a little while later into our park adventure i saw that those same friends had gotten busted by the cops. they were being scolded and i overheard the words truancy, office, and parents. the teenagers all had their heads down. they were once again getting the message, you are not welcome here, nailed into their skulls.

my heart sank. i desperately wanted to meet their eyes, to let them know not all adults consider them troublemakers and want them rounded up in schools to keep a heavy eye on their every move.

it struck me then how sad it is that i never see nor interact with any teenagers in my life. even more sad that i have bought into the popular belief that teenagers should be hidden from society because they don't belong. how is it that i so strongly believe with all of who i am that children shouldn't be pushed away into schools but rather that they belong in the heart of our community, yet i had never thought about teenagers being a part of this discriminated population of children. when my children grow to become teenagers won't i want them to seen by their community as an integral and vital piece of the pie instead of being shut out?

i would never blame those kids for wanting to break free from the grip of bully adults even for a few moments and even at the cost of severe punishment. they need and deserve privacy and respect just like the rest of us demand. teenagers have it especially hard since they are stuck between childhood and adulthood. not old enough to be on their own completely while still needing the love and support of family and community, yet growing into this more adult mind and self awareness that truly thrives on autonomy.

that is such an unfair spot to be stuck in.

our society's current stance is to control these young people and give them absolutely no choice to the contrary. those that try to break free from this controlling hand are considered unruly and to be troublemakers. so the individuals that are fighting for choice over their own lives fuel the popular belief to tighten the iron grip of control even more and thus the ugly cycle goes round and round.

what about painting this picture differently? what if we instead welcomed children and teenagers alike with open arms into our communities? what if our town centers, parks, and streets were buzzing with youthful energy and people of all ages were free to mingle and learn from one another without fear of being hounded down? what if we loosened the grip of control on these young minds and instead adopted the beliefs of trust and loving guidance?

to some it may sound like a idealistic pipedream.

to me, it sounds beautiful.

and this mind shift of mine is all thanks to the young man at the park.

thanks to him i will never look at teenagers the same way again.

on politics

i can't seem to pull myself away from the madness of the political climate right now. i have listened, read, and thought a lot about sarah palin and why exactly i'm even thinking about this woman.....i'm at a loss.

i watched her speech last night at the GOP convention and frankly, i was absolutely horrified. she talked nothing about her qualifications, experience, or how she plans to help americans. not a word about the real issues facing our country were uttered. all i heard was drill now! and more nuclear reactors! and, oh yeah, mean spirited, untrue attacks on barack obama. i was and still am sick to my stomach.

what i appreciate about obama is that he feeds our belief that humanity is overwhelmingly good and kind, that we are all connected by the common desires of freedom, safety, and happiness. what i heard last night was the fuel for fear.

i felt more hopeful after reading this. it's smart, well thought out, and anti-dramatic.

i also felt more hopeful after visiting the official barack obama store and purchasing t-shirts and a yard sign. i like to think that i am turning this frustration i am feeling and directing it to something positive, something that will help.

and because john stewart is funny, i watched this. he hits the nail on the head every time.

be still my heart

all this week i was wishing that i could be in denver partaking in the democratic national convention. just my type of fun. being able to hear motivational speeches all week that get your heart thumping and your blood pumping and your heart soaring.....magical.

i watched most of the major speeches and my favorite was baracks.
he is brilliant.
and he is my president
if you have been living under a rock this past week, here is his nomination acceptance speech in all its glory.

summer's end

"look it's my light.."

she's pointing to the sun setting between two peaks of the mountains, bidding it's farewell at the day's end. we are walking in the dusk, the cool night air is a welcome change to the stifling heat. pink sunbeams are dancing across her round cheeks and i stop as i let her words steep.

how does she know that?

and she is right, it is her sun.

--------------------------------------------------------------

i know it's been awhile and i've truly missed my little space here, but i suppose not enough to do anything about the nagging voice in the back of my head, write something already...
i feel i cannot catch a breath long enough to make the necessary space to write. not that recent life has been bad, just different. and busy. and different.

the beginning of my summer i was very out there, very social, always needing to plan a party. as the summer wore on i needed my life to be more peaceful, quiet. i am still in my summer hibernation realizing this space has allowed me to process all the changes. life and it's ups and downs is brilliant, no? it makes perfect sense to me.

chris started school. i almost did, xavier too, but then he wanted to be sure that i would call those school people and tell them that he is a homeschooler, dammit! so we both chickened out and good thing cause chris' school is more than enough. he likes it though, and i am so happy for that, and i must say that he is one smart cookie.

no job yet. i'm okay, or daresay happy, with that too. i'm slowly understanding that these things cannot be muscled and forced. if i believe, and more importantly trust, the right thing will come along at just the right time.
trust and believe, trust and believe.

i've radically changed my diet this past month and i have never felt better. i have always been a little sluggish, tired, overweight, and depressed for my entire adult existence and i decided i was tired (no pun intended) of teetering on the edge all the time. i really gave myself pause and listened to what my body was saying i should feed it. i decided to continue eating primarily vegan with no gluten and sugar. i also have been trying to eat many small meals throughout the day and have implemented fish oil and probiotics supplements. so to sum it up, lots of veggies.

lost nearly 10 pounds and am hoping to loose another 30. i have really been struggling with the weight i gained while pregnant with i feel like i have so much more energy. i feel lighter, glowier (my own word perhaps?) even. i've been discouraged that it didn't just fall off all on it's own like it did with xavier. it's so satisfying to make a leap of faith to change old habits, and then see that leap pay off in spades. and so quickly to.
i guess i'm the type of girl that likes instant gratification.
and i'm not afraid to say it.

peekaboo

solving problems

please watch.
then act.
this has me happy beyond belief.

hurray!

the radar

the past weekend's chaos didn't ruffle my feathers in any major way. instead of a steep incline on the roller coaster of life it is better to compare it as a blip on the radar. not to toot my own horn or anything, but it takes a lot more than an eviction notice to send me through the roof in a fit of hysterics these days.
i cried only once.
just because.

i did find some cures to weekend blips though;

sweaty, hot hikes with the doggies.

followed up with huge ice waters and fresh raspberry slushies.

long, lazy swings in the hammock.

a little improv dancing to chris singing, i had the time of my life.....

and you can consider yourself cured.

rant much?

i feel like a ketchup packet that has been squeezed dry and left in the road for car after car to run over.

today has been a decompression day after a loooooooong and emotionally difficult weekend. i'm in no mood for particulars, or on second thought maybe that's exactly what i need. a good ol' vent session. lucky you.
perhaps a list??

-the kids have been sick as dogs. first xavi, now soleil. sleeping next to them in bed felt like snuggling up to a radiator. i kept having dreams of the sahara desert. so. hot.

-grandma came and it didn't tun out at all how i was envisioning. i have a problem romanticizing the future and being gravely disappointed when the present isn't so rosy. enough said.

-day two of grandma being here we get served an eviction notice. pay rent now or move out in three days. it came as a total shock as we had kept our landlord up to date on our situation and she led us to believe she would work with us. thanks to very gracious family members we didn't have to pack up and move to god knows where. thank you from the bottom of our very grateful hearts.

-after we were able to pay our landlord her money, much to her dismay, she came to do yard work because in her words, the yard looked just terrible. i did the best i could with a push mower and clippers. i have seriously been out clipping the edges on my hands and knees because she hasn't provided us with an edger. anyway, she pulled out all the flowers and herbs in the front beds because she said they were weeds. crazy woman.

- in order to pay our bills chris took a job as a pizza delivery man. this is a good thing cause he's been rockin' the tips. the bad news is that it's a pizza place that never closes and has no delivery boundaries, so, he gets home when the sun is rising and drives to places 40 miles away multiple times a night. our brakes our sounding so squeaky and i get no sleep when he's not home at night. it felt like the twilight zone.

-this probably doesn't need to be said, but it bugged me nonetheless. i quit my volunteer yoga position cause they were ass hats. i got a nasty email after i let them know a day in advance that i wasn't going to make it to my weekly 3 hour shift because, come on, i had a lot on my plate. it irritated me that one thinks that they can send a mean spirited email and end it by saying namaste and poof! they are some enlightened individual.
kiss my ass.

namaste.

untouched place

my grandma is on the airplane right now making her way to us. we are looking forward to spending a long weekend with her. it's been awhile since she has seen the babes and i know she will want to drink them in like honey.
contrary to what might have been said here in the past, both my kids are oh, so sweet.

i ran across the a poem that i wrote in middle school and was struck at how the issues i raise in my poem are the exact same issues that weigh on my mind and heart some 15 years later.
enjoy...

Untouched Place

All vegetation is plentiful and green.
Plenty of fish swimming in the stream.
Oh, how I wish this wasn't a dream!

There isn't a gaping hole in the sky.
Birds of extinction again start to fly.
No more little children have to die.

Wars and contention between neighbors will stop.
From the clouds only clean rain would drop.
Farmers assured of a plentiful crop.

All starving nations get to be fed.
The homeless and weary find the warmth of a bed.
Injustice and prejudice no longer said.

Education and knowledge no longer denied.
Society no longer based on money and pride.
Our dreams and ambitions we no longer hide.

For every disease is found a cure.
Understanding and love are given much more.
All of our worries we no more must endure.

Would we know how to live in this place?
Could we treat it with love and with grace?
Or again must it be destroyed by the human race?

(un) controlled chaos

oh, lord.

life never goes according to plan, does it? always swirling rapidly above my head and i am always eagerly jumping for it, like a madwoman trying to herd cats . i think that if i can only catch it this once i can contain and control something that at it's very foundation is elusive and mysterious. my hands fail to grasp it and it slips from my fingers.
life plays on, yet always to it's own music.

my daughter never fails to amaze me with her spunk.
yesterday she ran into the living room proudly to show dad what she found outside.
a rat.
no kidding.
freshly dead and hanging by it's tail to the horror of both chris and i.
there was plenty of screaming and flinging of limbs. lots of, what the hell's and oh my gods.
let's not forget to mention the frantic calls to mother dear and the health department (who does nothing.) we scoured the internet to see if we have some sort of rat infestation. we don't. we then scoured our house, cleaning everything. we felt like some mightily filthy, dirty people. the type of people that rats look at and think, well there's a place that i can get plenty of free meals. unfortunately, the rat wasn't there to cook us a meal. that scenario, albeit very odd, would have been highly favored over the one that played out.
i am pretty sure xavier is traumatized for life. wouldn't you be if you saw your parent's acting like a bunch of freaks? he has been talking of rats incessantly and refused to let his feet touch our rodent tainted floor. he could only be carried.
in a laughable attempt to try to get soleil to tell us where exactly she found the infamous rat, we threw our hydrogen peroxide doused hands up.

and life was swirling overhead, always elusive.