Tuesday, May 12, 2009

pink cyclops

This space has started to feel a little stagnant to me and I have been thinking that I need a new space that really defines what it is that I am contributing to the world, so those that check in here I ask you to have patience while I figure out my next step in blog-o-world.
(so dramatic, no?)

Friday, April 24, 2009

flotsam in the ocean

plastic in the ocean has absorbed me today. i find it strange that i have an attitude of disbelief and amazement when confronted with the effects of our throwaway societies. i mean, where do we think all this trash is going? talk about denial on the deepest level.
anyway, here i have provided some videos and links so that, you too, can become absorbed and hopefully, act accordingly.

Watch Toxic Garbage Island

Algalita Marine Research

Thursday, April 23, 2009

inspired by::green

whether we are talking about the new green buds on the trees or the "be green" movement that is gaining momentum, i am all about green these days.
i am thoroughly enjoying the renewal that spring brings. the proof that life is an everlasting circle, and the rejoicing that happens without fail and without matter. one can always put stock in the fact that nature will parade it's wares.
the colors! the bursting forth! the declarations!
all of it is spectacular.

another thing that i think is marvelous is collaboration of ideas and solutions on how to pick ourselves out of this environmental and social ignorance that has never suited us well. i believe the human race to be compassionate and conscious and there are so many groups and organizations out there proving my hunch correct.
a small offering:
The Hunger Project
We/Repower America
Equality Now

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

inspired by:: oldie but goodie

ask me what i love most about my new abode and i'd probably just studder. cause i love too much to choose one.
something i know absolutely is that the big, smooth hunk of metal in the kitchen would be near the top of the list.
it's gas. it's huge. it's charming.
what else does a girl need?
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Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Sunday, March 29, 2009


Walking up to the temple we were greeted by a friendly llama who walked right up to the fence to take freshly picked grass from our hands. Behind our new friend were the outlines of the ornately lavish temple and plumes of heavily scented, brightly colored plumes of chalk. We eagerly walked the half mile (the closest parking we could find) and said hello to the passerbys dressed head to foot in purple, pink, yellow, and blue chalk.

The scene surrounding the temple was awe inspiring. Crowds chanting along with the live band, Hare Krishna, Hare, Hare! they sang. Explosions of color burst like fireworks above the chanters. It's like a happy war, I said. The whole scene felt dreamy and unreal. A giggle escaped at the craziness of it all.

The Hare Krishnas were celebrating Holi, the arrival of Spring, a tradition that has been celebrated in India since ancient times. The merriment was greeted gladly by throngs of people that included a bonfire, chanting and singing, and the throwing of brightly colored chalk. There could be no better way to celebrate Spring.

Sadly the chalk had run out by the time we made it, but Xavier was lucky enough to get sprayed by a handful of pink to the back of the head. He enjoyed this until the chalk made its way into his mouth and then he was spitting pink for the rest of our time there. Just like the llamas.

Walking back to the car felt like we were leaving an exotic, mystical land where the scenery is breathtaking, the language is sung in chants, and all the people are technicolor.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

list of happies

happiness is:
-a workshop on scarcity to abundance.
-moving into our new home in a week.
-celebrating spring with friends.
-realizing my potential, as well as my breakdowns.
-honest conversations.
-build-your-own frozen yogurt.
-a landmark education forum for my birthday.
-making progress and building respect at work.
-kissing my kids. repeatedly.
-being in love with a wonderful man.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Sunday, March 8, 2009

deep breathing

(picture by our friend Travis)

i sometimes dislike hearing about how busy people are because we're all busy, right? but here i am about to say, whew things have been busy round here! so i won't, cause that would be annoying of me. i'll just tell you how much i've missed you my dear little corner of the internet.

i've had to remind myself to breathe deeply and to not be afraid of heading directly toward the wind. life has been hurling itself toward me, ever changing and gaining momentum. overall, the ride has been enjoyable but there are always the dips and the parts that just plain suck.

i found myself wondering on how exactly i can get back to that fantastic space i was in a few weeks ago. how did i loose it so quickly and how do i make sure that i never loose it again? i suppose that is just the very nature of evolution and growth, the minute you think you have it all figured out the earth starts shifting beneath your feet once more. today i told a friend that is going through a difficult time right now to try saying a mantra of what she wants for herself over and over again in order to really stay focused. i think that i should take my own advice.

my mantra du jour:
breathe deep

Monday, February 23, 2009


driving down the freeway this morning when the sun was barely peeking out from the behind the mountain. headlights zooming past, hot chai in a mug nearby, listening to NPR on the radio.
this would seem like a nice picture on the outside, but zoom in and see a heart that is feeling too raw, with a tinge of ache.

i hear a story on morning edition about kids from mumbai, india getting the chance to stand on the stage at the oscars in the spotlight while their families huddled around old television sets in their huts back home cheering their loved ones on. hearing this makes me cry, and i'm not sure why.

budget cuts for substance abuse programs, elderly couple in the restaurant trying earnestly to navigate their walkers, a young women in chains at the courthouse losing her child forever, my husband handing out money to homeless vets on the street corner......

snapshots of my day that cause me to wonder, why are we so cold to one another?

i have been trying to teach my son whom sometimes uses violence as a means to express his anger that when we hurt others we are also hurting ourselves. that we are all one.

a lesson the whole world needs to learn.

i want to tear down the walls that encase our hearts that have been built under the false notion that the walls are there to protect them, but the truth is they only leave us without the ability to care.
to really love.

i know that the only way to lead this movement is by example, so i will start with my heart wall one brick at a time.
won't you join me?
then we can be sensitive together.

Friday, February 20, 2009


six years of marriage + a weekend away in zions =

one happy girl.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

perspective when i need it most

picture this: it's 10 pm on a tuesday and a frazzled, tired out momma is trying to get her kids to quiet down already and go to sleep. this momma had spent all day with clients, some whom took extra patience to get along with and she is ready for some down time. her husband is still at work and she could definitely use his help. this momma's children have also had a long day and are started to spin out of control. big mess here. jumping all over the beds there. to make matters worse there are grandparents that are trying to get to sleep right below where all the madness is taking place. the momma runs from room to room telling each child to STAY ON THE BED AND BE QUIET, only to turn around and see the other child flipping the lights on and off and jumping up and down like popcorn. of course they are both laughing in fits of hysterics because they see that momma is about to loose it. and she almost does. she isn't sure if she should cry, yell, or slap them silly. she doesn't want to do something she will regret so she calls her husband. he tells her just to get out of the house and take a drive. the momma does this.

while driving the momma gets some space to think and the kids have quieted down. she apologizes for the way she behaved but stresses that the way they were behaving wasn't cool either. her son tells her this (although it's not word for word, the momma took some liberty with her son's words.)

i am so, so, so, so sorry for being disrespectful. i feel so bad. i was just feeling so mad, mom. do you know when the mad started? it started when i made the big mess. that is when my mad woke up. most of the time my mad is asleep, but when it wakes up it takes over my whole body. my mad is connected to my heart and when the mad gets to my heart, it can tell my mad to go back asleep. it says, "mad go to sleep!" then i feel happy again. you know who told me all about that? it was my imaginary friend.

and just like that my mad goes to sleep.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

full and satisfied

is it seriously only 15 minutes until friday?
and what am doing up in the first place?

although the days are starting to race by at light speed, and i don't have much time left in my day for all that i wish, i am still loving this new pace.
i am holding on and enjoying the ride. loving the wind through my hair.

today i was told how well suited i was for social work and i am starting to think that i agree. i am truly in love with my job.
i am now considering school to get my bachelors so i could actually run with whatever i choose.
a lot on my plate, no?

Monday, February 2, 2009

on my mind

special words:

personal responsibility
opening my hear

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

magical trees

Xavier: Next year I am going to ask Santa to bring me a field of snowy trees.


i am feeling the need to formally declare my intention of going to squam this year.
so (clears throat), i am committed to going to squam art workshop in june to have a really fabulous time, meet lots of new friends, learn crazy mad art skills, and have a love filled, girly type weekend.

anyone want to go with me?
c'mon, i know you want to.

Thursday, January 22, 2009


a week of firsts has been full indeed.
busy, yet very content feeling.
right feeling.
one would even say happy feeling.

xavi started school this week and i am a proud mama. he has been loving the responsibility of something that is just for him. he has gotten certified to use the phone and the vacuum so far and in the world of a five year old this is a big deal.
another big deal, your own lunchbox.

i started my new job and after a week of meetings, w2's, alarm clocks, drug tests, work clothes, orientations, clients, and note taking, i am still super psyched about this new sense of purpose i have. yes, i am a little tired, but not really. i like having a packed day of helping women in my community build better lives for themselves and then i get to come home to my adorable children and love them to pieces.
so, i guess what i am trying to say is,
i heart my new job.

and a post of firsts should not forget to include that happy ol' inauguration day. my eyes were so leaky all day long. someone on the radio would only have to quietly mention the word hope and i was driving down the freeway bawling.
but the good kind.

Sunday, January 18, 2009


when xavi snuggled on your lap with the blanket up to his chin and right before he fell asleep he turned and kissed your arm and whispered,
your the best mom ever.

Saturday, January 17, 2009


new job
new car
xavi in school
business idea

all these things just one short/long month ago seemed nearly impossible and things i could hardly wrap my brain around.
why would these things happen to me?
we don't have enough money.
aren't i supposed to be happy staying at home with the kids?
who would want to hire me?
i probably wouldn't make enough anyway.

all untrue statements i have continually repeated to myself, and with no surprise my situation stayed exactly the same. then a very simple concept finally sunk in after way too long, all thought is creation. i can change my life in whatever way i choose with the change of my mind and the creative power of my thoughts.

it truly is that simple.

so now i have a new car in the driveway, a new job that i am thrilled about, xavi is happily starting at an awesome charter school next week, and i am starting a business plan for an idea that i am so, so excited about.

truly incredible.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

saturday afternoon

a sick filled afternoon was just begging for some color.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

around the corner

pictures of the past are flashing on the screen in front of me and tears well up in my eyes. chubby cheeks, milky smiles, first steps, beach vacations. those pictures make me wonder, have i cherished them enough?

something new is stirring and change is inevitable. the thought of doing something other than being with my kids all day causes a frog in my throat and pit in my stomach. i know this is the right thing to do, but still.

still, i will miss the moments that i am not there.
still, i will hope that they don't think i'm trying to get away from them.
still, i will pray that they know how completely my heart is wrapped around theirs.

around the corner the change train is pulling up to the station.
the question remains, am i strong enough to make the leap?

Sunday, January 4, 2009

in all honesty

driving in the car chris looked over and did a double take.
what is it?
why are you smiling?
what's so funny?

i rolled my eyes at him...i'm just smiling cause i'm happy.
and it was true. as if a huge boulder has lifted its weight off my shoulders, i am feeling more free
these days than i ever have before.

because i told myself the truth.
not only that, this time i listened.

the most challenging part of being a mother, for me, is reconciling the ideas i have about what i should be feeling and doing, and what is actually happening in my heart and soul.

my expectation that i should be totally content always being home with my children is opposing the pull of my heart toward starting a non profit that would provide disadvantaged women free creative art retreats. or working in africa. or starting my own small business.

the bar i have set for myself in regards to being able to balance homeschooling, parenting, being a wife, a friend, volunteering, make financial ends meet and my own personal evolution has left me hollow and wondering what is wrong with me? why can't i do this when i see others that do it every day?

something has to give.

i am in love with the idea of homeschooling. i completely and wholeheartedly agree with all the principles of homeschooling, especially unschooling. i always want my children to be given the right to choose their own path for themselves and receive unwavering support and encouragement in whatever it is they choose. my children know how to learn and i have total faith that they will learn what is necessary to fit their own life pieces together and see the picture of their creation.

how exactly can i tell my children that they must follow the tune of their own hearts, that they can truly be whatever it is they want to be, if they see me stifling my own dreams and passions?

i want this for them, yet before i had always seen me pretty much solo in providing it. to carry all this responsibility alone has been smothering me. i've wished, hoped, and prayed i could just lift a little higher, be a little stronger, and it will work out. i have made it about if i love my children enough i should be able to do this. for me, it was a test of my love. it was about my showing everyone that i was a good mother. instead, i have been left tired, out of patience, frustrated, and at times very angry.

today feels different.

today i realized that i have the key in my hand to unlock the door.

i don't have to do it alone. my children can have the unschooling way of life without the entire responsibility being shouldered by me. i can create a community of people that all want the same things for xavier and soleil.

i realize today that it's not about me or the strength of my love.

i don't have to compete in this false motherhood competition that plays out in my head.

i can simply love my children and turn the key.