in all honesty

driving in the car chris looked over and did a double take.
what is it?
why are you smiling?
what's so funny?

i rolled my eyes at him...i'm just smiling cause i'm happy.
and it was true. as if a huge boulder has lifted its weight off my shoulders, i am feeling more free
these days than i ever have before.

because i told myself the truth.
not only that, this time i listened.

the most challenging part of being a mother, for me, is reconciling the ideas i have about what i should be feeling and doing, and what is actually happening in my heart and soul.

my expectation that i should be totally content always being home with my children is opposing the pull of my heart toward starting a non profit that would provide disadvantaged women free creative art retreats. or working in africa. or starting my own small business.

the bar i have set for myself in regards to being able to balance homeschooling, parenting, being a wife, a friend, volunteering, make financial ends meet and my own personal evolution has left me hollow and wondering what is wrong with me? why can't i do this when i see others that do it every day?

something has to give.

i am in love with the idea of homeschooling. i completely and wholeheartedly agree with all the principles of homeschooling, especially unschooling. i always want my children to be given the right to choose their own path for themselves and receive unwavering support and encouragement in whatever it is they choose. my children know how to learn and i have total faith that they will learn what is necessary to fit their own life pieces together and see the picture of their creation.

how exactly can i tell my children that they must follow the tune of their own hearts, that they can truly be whatever it is they want to be, if they see me stifling my own dreams and passions?

i want this for them, yet before i had always seen me pretty much solo in providing it. to carry all this responsibility alone has been smothering me. i've wished, hoped, and prayed i could just lift a little higher, be a little stronger, and it will work out. i have made it about if i love my children enough i should be able to do this. for me, it was a test of my love. it was about my showing everyone that i was a good mother. instead, i have been left tired, out of patience, frustrated, and at times very angry.

today feels different.

today i realized that i have the key in my hand to unlock the door.

i don't have to do it alone. my children can have the unschooling way of life without the entire responsibility being shouldered by me. i can create a community of people that all want the same things for xavier and soleil.

i realize today that it's not about me or the strength of my love.

i don't have to compete in this false motherhood competition that plays out in my head.

i can simply love my children and turn the key.