Friday, August 24, 2007

his heart of gold

This afternoon while I was nursing baby, Chris and Xavier were down in the basement. Chris was painting, Xavi was playing with his cash register. He walked up to Chris,
Dad, I paid money for our house to the cash register. Now we can stay in the house and Mom won't need to be sad anymore.

Who needs to be worried about a house when I have children who love me?
That's what matters.
Thank you Xavier. I love you endlessly.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


It's not just about the house. It's about starting over yet again.
It's about what the house represented.
My restless soul finally felt peace, felt at home. I wanted to stay a long, long time. This is saying a lot for me, I have never been able to stay in one place for too long.
I wanted to be the one who made the decision when it was time to move on.
This home was our jumping off point to our dreams. We finally made it to the point where we wanted to really settle and spread out our roots.
We were moving forward. Now, we are looking back. Back to renting (ugh.) Back to packing up our stuff for the 3rd time this year and unpacking it once again. Back to getting our bearings. Back to feeling like somewhere is our home. Back to the kids being uprooted and wondering when we are ever just going to stay for good.
And this is what breaks me up the most. The fact that my kids are paying the ultimate price for my mistakes.
I can already see the pain that this move will bring to them.
Xavier has been saying, but this is my house. Why are we leaving our house?
When we are cleaning the marker off the wall and paint off the carpet he cries out, but I liked that there.
We told our kids that this was our home now. No more moving for us, no sir. Just you all get comfortable. We aren't going anywhere.
Then like a tornado we break the news that we can't stay here, and their lives are in shambles, once again.
We are having to pick up all the pieces, once again.
Will they trust us next time around? Only time will tell. My heart is just aching for them.
Truthfully, if given the choice I would do it all over again. I have learned more about myself, my children, my husband, my values, and my relationship with money then I could have any other way. It just had to be this way.
I understand this. As human beings we all have our character challenges. I wouldn't want to live a life without the challenges, they only make the victories sweeter.
This house has been weighing on my mind and shoulders for way too long. It's heavy and I am ready to be free.
Closing this chapter of my life will be hard, but time will heal all my wounds. The sadness won't be so sad anymore, and I will have new challenges to look forward to.
I just need to pick myself up and keep on keeping on.

Monday, August 20, 2007

housal abuse

I have cried myself to sleep every night since Friday. Tears pooling in my ears. Silent sobbing, gasping for air sobbing, head is going to explode sobbing. I've done it all.

You see, I am in a very abusive relationship with my house. Even though it has beaten me up over and over, kicked me where it counts, I love it so. I keep going back for another round of heartbreak. I think of the good times we've had and want to hang on to the memories. I think, maybe it will be different the next time around. I thought I had set the record straight. I thought if I just kept positive thoughts in my mind at all times it could only get better. I thought if I just told my house to love me back, it would. I thought wrong.

So, goodbye dear house. We cannot be together anymore. I loved the way I was with you. I felt so special basking in your radiance. I couldn't get enough of your lavender bushes by the front door, or your giant poplar tree. I felt spiritual watering the garden gazing up at the moon every evening. Your lilacs in the spring were something to behold, and your soil, well let's just say I may sneak a little when I leave. And that is just your outsides, my dear. Your insides are equally as spectacular.

I really wanted things to work out between us. I will miss you so bad it will hurt, but it would hurt me even more to stay. I will make this promise to you before I go. I will make sure that whomever gets the privilege of living with you will love you like I did. It's the least that I could do. For even though you broke my heart, I can't imagine my life without you in it. Lucky thing that no one can ever take away my memories. Those are truly priceless.

Friday, August 17, 2007

lazy days o' summer

I have been itching to make myself a clothes line, yet never could determine just the right way I wanted to put it up. Turns out, you just put it up and call it good. Not too technical, not even for me. There is something calming and romantic about seeing clothes drying on the line. Definitely a sight to soothe the soul. Xavi wanted to make his own line. He did so, but was cutting it down before I could snap a picture.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

dinner is served

I really want to start sharing my doings in the kitchen and figured today would be good as day as any. As you will see, I am not a professional food photographer. No glue food here. Isn't that all "non-food" made to look like food anyway? No thank you. I promise it's all much better than it looks. Of course, it's all vegan, all the time. Dig in.Potato Kale soup. An oldie but goodie. The kids eat this up, literally.
And yes, that's a cold one from Wasatch Brewery in the background. Raspberry wheat, divine.
Making my favorite summer treat, Peach Cottage Pudding. Wonderful right out of the oven.
Alright, who am I kidding? It's wonderful standing in front of the fridge at midnight too.

The finished yumminess! Magnifique!

So, what did you eat for dinner??

goo power!!

We did a little experimenting today with cornstarch and water and it instantly turned Xavi into GOO MAN!! He had amazing goo powers, giving him incredible speed, awesome strength, and dashing good looks. Crazy stuff that goo.

the lawn saga::part two

Alright, every one's fed. Kiddos out back on the tramp with Chris. Well hey, I'm going to steal away to the front yard to get me some work done.

I water the garden, pulling a few weeds under the tomato's. Admire the cute baby watermelons growing. Gear up with my gloves, shovel, and clippers heading over to face-off with the current bane of my existence-the bindweed. (Dun, Dun, Dun) I am just bending over, beginning to yank those babies out when I hear the front door click. Uh,oh. Then a sobbing,shrieking baby the surely rattles the entire neighborhood,


Oh, crap.

Then I get an "Aubs, come on. She needs you."

"Yeah, okay. Just give me a minute."

I stomp over to put away my gloves, shovel, and clippers, with a big pout mind you. Yank out a few weeds I see in the dirt while scowling at the car passing by.

Was it you who had to go running to the authorities, you big tattletale?! I hope you saw what just happened. It's just not easy for me to make my yard pleasant for you. I hope your happy. So there.

And I stick out my tongue, just for good measure.

So I decided that I am just going to have to make a really big, ugly sign (much uglier than my yard) to show whoever the whiner in the neighborhood is that's it not so easy for me to pull my weeds. It will read:


Or maybe:


Or perhaps:





(Really don't. I could just pay in weeds.)

my camera experiment

So after owning my camera for only 4+ years, I just figured out that hey! my camera does other tricks than just flashing when I tell it to. There is a black and white function and sepia too. Oh, and there are a bunch of other fun things that I have messed around with getting interesting results. I am not sure why I just discovered them now. I do know, however, that I am getting increasingly jealous of the stunning pictures I have been running across in blogs. Stephs, Julies, this one, and this one too. And there are many, many more out there.

So, here I take a crack at being a "photographer." I would love any input, as long as it's "oh my, your kids are cute." Please be forgiving as my camera is ancient. What sort of camera should I invest in next? I want something that will make every shot look spectacular and very easy to use for an amateur.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

just talk to me

There has been a reoccurring theme touching my world the past few months. I was going to write about it earlier, and then it passed and I no longer felt the need anymore. Yet it happened again, and now my blood is boiling. I need to get it off my chest. Lucky you.

It happened first to a lovely friend of mine. She gets notice from a neighbor that there are people thinking her kids are a little too free for their tastes, and want her to be warned. She gets to spend the next few days beside herself with worry.

Next, it happens to another equally lovely friend. A watchful neighbor or maybe just a random looky-lou calls the authorities, and in turn they get a parade of officials rudely poking their noses into their lives. They hear a verdict on whether or not they get to stay on their property soon. Lets all hope they do.

So today I peek into my mailbox and staring back at me is a letter from Salt Lake City Corporation. I wonder what this could be? Not good my friends. The letter states that I am in violation for not having a green enough grass, and because we have too many weeds in the back of our garden area. We have 2 weeks to clean up our act or they will initiate "appropriate legal action." They were tipped off by a "concerned" neighbor.

I was fuming. I calmed down enough to call the Officer that sent the letter. When I called I gave her my address and voila! she pulls up pictures of my offensive yard on her computer. Apparently she was out earlier this week taking pictures of my property. Truth be told, she was very nice and understanding. I explained to her that we were killing the grass on purpose with the intent of putting in a water-wise xeriscaped yard. We didn't have the funds right now to do so, it will have to wait until Spring. I further explained that I have 2 young children that don't do so great in an unfenced front yard. Soleil just thinks it's a hoot to go running like a madwoman down the sidewalk. Over and over. I don't get much time to make the yard look pretty. I am usually out at 10pm or later, after the kids are asleep, watering the garden. It's really the only time I have.

She was understanding. She said don't worry about the grass, just pull the weeds. She will have to monitor our yard in the meantime to make sure we are holding up our end of the bargain.

Now, I don't have a problem living up to certain standards in order to be a part of something bigger than myself, as long as those so-called standard make sense to me. Keeping a lawn unnaturally green, or really having a lawn at all, doesn't make sense to me. Don't we live in the desert? Don't we cry drought every year? I want to be a law-abiding citizen, pulling my weight to make sure our city, state, world is a wonderful place to live for all. I do see it necessary to have some "rules" to follow.

My big problem is that these neighbors must run to the authorities and tattletale on someone else rather than having the guts to come talk to me (or my friends) directly. I am a very reasonable person. I would rather not cause someone else discomfort, while still being true to myself and my values. And even if it does go against my values, I am willing to talk to someone that may disagree with me in a respectful, open dialogue.

So you have a problem with my dead grass. Why not just come knock on my door and say "Hi, my name is so and so. I see your grass is getting a little brown. Are you planning on xeriscaping it?" or something to that effect. Why not get to know me? See what my plans are? Offer to help out if you are so distraught about the state of my yard?

But, no. People would rather hide behind their anonymous calls to the authorities. Rather than try to reason with someone, just pull out the big guns. Why would we rather see someone "get in trouble" in favor of having a conversation? Is it to have some sort of power over another? Is it a how dare you have the nerve to do something differently than I see fit. You must pay!!

So, why?? I am troubled by this notion that neighbors think it a better to go behind each others backs in favor of a sense of community. I was talking to someone about this after I was still fresh with rage and was told, "That's just the way people do things."

I don't accept that. Nor, do I want to live in that type of revenge-seeking society. It feels grey and miserable to me.

The other thing that bothers me is that now I feel like I must be looking over my shoulder and watching my back. There is already discontent among neighbors I don't even know. I don't want to feel ashamed of being in my front yard while passing neighbors are shaking their heads in disapproval. I want to live harmoniously amongst my neighbors, freely coming to one another with concerns as well as delights. Am I living in a fantasy? Being too idealistic?

Obviously I am not going to settle this tonight. No, I will just have to get out there and take it out on some dang weeds.

Tell me, what do you think......?

Monday, August 13, 2007


On Saturday we had the pleasure of going to Lagoon with Grandma Melanie and Grandpa John. We have been talking about going to Lagoon since March and Xavier was beside himself with excitement. Evident in his dead asleep outburst "We are going to Lagoon!" and his cupping of Indy's (the dog) face first thing in the morning saying "Indy, do you know what today is? Lagoon day!!" We headed off early with a packed cooler and giddy smiles on our faces. We left with aching feet, sunburns, and an insatiable thirst. Needless to say, we had a terrific time and are looking forward to next year!

The first thing on Xavier's agenda: The Bumper Cars.

Lookin' pretty for the camera. Grandma and Xavi are soaked from Rattlesnake Rapids. I'm told that Xavi just squealed and shrieked the entire time. Loved it.

Taking a juice box break. Soleil had a riot. She was very assertive in letting us know that she wanted to ride too. Her favorite was the carousel. After the ride was finished she clung on to the bar and batted our hands away saying "no, no."

Brother and Sister in the sea plane.

What a fun day......

Friday, August 3, 2007

You're Fired!!!

So lately, when Xavier is really upset at someone and life is feeling rotten for him, he has been letting us all know by screaming at the top of his lungs, and I do mean at the top of his lungs, "YOUR'E FIRED!!!"

When he first started doing this a week or so ago my first thought was where did he get that from? I haven't heard Dora the Explorer tell Boots the monkey that he is a really lousy monkey sidekick and he better find his butt a new job. Nor have I heard anyone tell Elmo that if he refers to himself in the third person one more time he's out of there. And we have never, ever seen one episode of The Apprentice.

Cue Donald Trump photo.........................................

So it just became something Xavier did, not much more thought was given on it.

Until, I was thinking about it while nursing Soleil this evening (get lots of thinking done then) and had to laugh out loud. And I did do just that.

How funny is it that my 3 year old knows exactly what to say to send the clear message to his mother that she needs to step off (a fun new saying around here.) And why haven't I given it much more thought on why my son is telling me to get a new day job. And night job.

Possibly it is the shrill tone in which he is delivering the message. I am just tuning out the screaming and have not been focusing on what he is trying to get through my thick skull. And it must be thick.

I suppose it's time to think on why my son wants me fired in the first place. And now that his message to me has finally sunken in I promise to ponder it deeper.

Oh the wisdom of a 3 year old is something to cherish. Not only that, how cool would it be to be able to really stick it to that person that gets under your skin and just tell them, You're Fired!!!

But I won't.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007