intricate magic

I just recently finished reading Bill Carter's memoir, Fools Rush In, and I have been lost in thought ever since.

His is a story of a man that while coming to terms with a soul crushing hole in his heart, he is able to inspire and bring light to thousands. His personal tragedy, mixed with guts, teetering on the edge of insanity, and sheer determination; is the salvation for many.

One of many, many thoughts that resonated with me in this book:

I have never believed in the idea of coincidence: something that happens by chance in a surprising or remarkable way. It is the word chance that bothers me and I wonder if it is a word invented for those who who just don't want to see the intricate magic that happens in our lives, every day.

I wrote a previous post about how I am frustrated that with every feeling I have there is one that readily pops up to contradict it. Excited about my future and what it holds, yet terrified to make my next steps. Grateful yet angry. Shiny and happy yet terribly depressed. I have been stuck to the idea that I must be completely clear on how I am now to feel. That there should be an expiration date on my grief and once that date passes I should be ready to move on with a big dopey smile on my face. There was no way that I would be able to create the life I want and still feel sadness about my life in the past. I had to choose one feeling to feel when thinking over my situation and that is how I would end that story. Period.

Why am I being so damn strict with myself? Why can't I be feeling all these contradictions at once? Can't I just love myself crazy streak and all?

I am starting to see that all truly great people must embrace their own crazy sides in order to reach greatness. One will never be remarkable without being crazy enough to leap without knowing where they'll land, love so entirely it hurts, make mistakes time and time again, follow their heart and passions even when it seems absolutely nuts to do so.

While I do have my weepy, blue days from time to time. The ones where I hide in my cave of covers all day, I always come out of these spells feeling renewed and fresh. I spring from my cave full of ideas and a new sense of myself. I have allowed myself to feel sad and make those necessary, sometimes painful, mind trips. My soul gives a sigh of relief and I am ready to start anew on my path.

In order for me to blaze my trail in life I must do so by balancing all these contradicting feelings. Not dwelling on any one mood, but honoring and appreciating each one. Not just forcing myself to maintain positivity, but having the forward thinking to see that each of these feelings, no matter how dark, are all important steps in my journey.

And I will always be on the look out for the intricate magic......