magical trees

Xavier: Next year I am going to ask Santa to bring me a field of snowy trees.

squam

i am feeling the need to formally declare my intention of going to squam this year.
so (clears throat), i am committed to going to squam art workshop in june to have a really fabulous time, meet lots of new friends, learn crazy mad art skills, and have a love filled, girly type weekend.

anyone want to go with me?
c'mon, i know you want to.

watch how he amazes

firsts

a week of firsts has been full indeed.
busy, yet very content feeling.
right feeling.
one would even say happy feeling.

xavi started school this week and i am a proud mama. he has been loving the responsibility of something that is just for him. he has gotten certified to use the phone and the vacuum so far and in the world of a five year old this is a big deal.
another big deal, your own lunchbox.

i started my new job and after a week of meetings, w2's, alarm clocks, drug tests, work clothes, orientations, clients, and note taking, i am still super psyched about this new sense of purpose i have. yes, i am a little tired, but not really. i like having a packed day of helping women in my community build better lives for themselves and then i get to come home to my adorable children and love them to pieces.
so, i guess what i am trying to say is,
i heart my new job.

and a post of firsts should not forget to include that happy ol' inauguration day. my eyes were so leaky all day long. someone on the radio would only have to quietly mention the word hope and i was driving down the freeway bawling.
but the good kind.

NEVER FORGET...

when xavi snuggled on your lap with the blanket up to his chin and right before he fell asleep he turned and kissed your arm and whispered,
your the best mom ever.

creation

new job
new car
xavi in school
business idea


all these things just one short/long month ago seemed nearly impossible and things i could hardly wrap my brain around.
why would these things happen to me?
we don't have enough money.
aren't i supposed to be happy staying at home with the kids?
who would want to hire me?
i probably wouldn't make enough anyway.

all untrue statements i have continually repeated to myself, and with no surprise my situation stayed exactly the same. then a very simple concept finally sunk in after way too long, all thought is creation. i can change my life in whatever way i choose with the change of my mind and the creative power of my thoughts.

it truly is that simple.

so now i have a new car in the driveway, a new job that i am thrilled about, xavi is happily starting at an awesome charter school next week, and i am starting a business plan for an idea that i am so, so excited about.

truly incredible.

saturday afternoon

a sick filled afternoon was just begging for some color.

around the corner

pictures of the past are flashing on the screen in front of me and tears well up in my eyes. chubby cheeks, milky smiles, first steps, beach vacations. those pictures make me wonder, have i cherished them enough?

something new is stirring and change is inevitable. the thought of doing something other than being with my kids all day causes a frog in my throat and pit in my stomach. i know this is the right thing to do, but still.

still, i will miss the moments that i am not there.
still, i will hope that they don't think i'm trying to get away from them.
still, i will pray that they know how completely my heart is wrapped around theirs.

around the corner the change train is pulling up to the station.
the question remains, am i strong enough to make the leap?

in all honesty

driving in the car chris looked over and did a double take.
what is it?
why are you smiling?
what's so funny?

i rolled my eyes at him...i'm just smiling cause i'm happy.
and it was true. as if a huge boulder has lifted its weight off my shoulders, i am feeling more free
these days than i ever have before.

because i told myself the truth.
not only that, this time i listened.

the most challenging part of being a mother, for me, is reconciling the ideas i have about what i should be feeling and doing, and what is actually happening in my heart and soul.

my expectation that i should be totally content always being home with my children is opposing the pull of my heart toward starting a non profit that would provide disadvantaged women free creative art retreats. or working in africa. or starting my own small business.

the bar i have set for myself in regards to being able to balance homeschooling, parenting, being a wife, a friend, volunteering, make financial ends meet and my own personal evolution has left me hollow and wondering what is wrong with me? why can't i do this when i see others that do it every day?

something has to give.

i am in love with the idea of homeschooling. i completely and wholeheartedly agree with all the principles of homeschooling, especially unschooling. i always want my children to be given the right to choose their own path for themselves and receive unwavering support and encouragement in whatever it is they choose. my children know how to learn and i have total faith that they will learn what is necessary to fit their own life pieces together and see the picture of their creation.

how exactly can i tell my children that they must follow the tune of their own hearts, that they can truly be whatever it is they want to be, if they see me stifling my own dreams and passions?

i want this for them, yet before i had always seen me pretty much solo in providing it. to carry all this responsibility alone has been smothering me. i've wished, hoped, and prayed i could just lift a little higher, be a little stronger, and it will work out. i have made it about if i love my children enough i should be able to do this. for me, it was a test of my love. it was about my showing everyone that i was a good mother. instead, i have been left tired, out of patience, frustrated, and at times very angry.

today feels different.

today i realized that i have the key in my hand to unlock the door.

i don't have to do it alone. my children can have the unschooling way of life without the entire responsibility being shouldered by me. i can create a community of people that all want the same things for xavier and soleil.

i realize today that it's not about me or the strength of my love.

i don't have to compete in this false motherhood competition that plays out in my head.

i can simply love my children and turn the key.