lonely

I loved reading this. Maybe you will too.

The gal is singing my song.

leap of faith

You have to take risks, or your not living.

Words given to me by a man that we met with today about our house. I was talking about regrets with a tinge of anger and he sent me back these words. Words that hit me hard and have been swimming around in my brain all day. I've been getting a lot of those fog lifting words lately and I am really liking it. I like to soak up the wisdom, change my perception, understand what makes me tick.

We took a risk, we didn't succeed. The consequences of our taking said risk hurts, a lot. And I am finding it ever so important to give myself the time to feel pissed off and angry. Time to mourn my losses. Time to lick my wounds. Time to want nothing but to lay in my bed all day and sob while giving the middle finger at the world.
To just put on a happy face, get my chin up, and look at the bright side feels false and fake. It's not fair to try to pretend this doesn't absolutely suck, because it does. And right now, I am not feeling ok. I am lonely, exhausted, completely uncomfortable, and homeless.
I won't be throwing a pity party forever though. I will see the "bright side" in my own time, it will just take some time.
Phrases uttered by unsuspecting people are helping to break this bad attitude that I have going. Phrases that ring around in my head, over and over, like in the movies. This helps.
What was I talking about?
Oh, yeah. Risk.
I was not so successfully trying to make my point that I will someday in the future, dust myself off and get back in the game. I am not the type of personality to sit on my hands and play it safe from here on out. I will take my knowledge from this failed attempt and apply that to my next one. You see, I would rather jump out there, let it all hang out and live then sit back and be too afraid of failing. I'll take that leap of faith and if that doesn't work, brush myself off again, tend to my wounds, and leap again.

I am bagging the idea that failing at anything is a bad thing to be avoided at all costs. I am proud of my mistakes, and even prouder that it will not stop me from making many more.

I choose to live a colorful, beautiful life. A life full of love, family, home, adventure, learning, and yes, risk.

finding comfort

I am in a foreign state of being right now. A place in my consciousness that I haven't made it to till now. It is causing me to seek familiar, comfortable people and objects.

The chiseled features of my husband's face.
The soft, delicate curls on my babies' heads.
A long, warm bath.
A piping cup of tea.
My very well worn, incredibly soft t-shirts.
The beauty and light of the moon.
Quiet.

My world feels like a tornado, but I do find some tranquility in clutching on to these beloved things with all my might. It gives me a sense of peace.
It gives me the truth that there is a light at the end of this tunnel.
It's not always gonna feel this bad, this raw.
I will always be able to find comfort.

to the birthday boy

Happy, happy birthday to you. Or in the words of Xavier,

56!! Wow! That sure is a lot of growing! You're gonna be a giant!

Hope your day is filled with reflection, happiness, magic, delicious cake, and of course, love.

doin' the doggy paddle

Just trying to keep my head above water over here. I have so many thoughts swimming around in my head, I can't digest them enough to form complete thoughts. I have only fragments.

I will write more soon. Wanted you all to know I am still here.

his heart of gold

This afternoon while I was nursing baby, Chris and Xavier were down in the basement. Chris was painting, Xavi was playing with his cash register. He walked up to Chris,
Dad, I paid money for our house to the cash register. Now we can stay in the house and Mom won't need to be sad anymore.

Who needs to be worried about a house when I have children who love me?
That's what matters.
Thank you Xavier. I love you endlessly.

again

It's not just about the house. It's about starting over yet again.
It's about what the house represented.
My restless soul finally felt peace, felt at home. I wanted to stay a long, long time. This is saying a lot for me, I have never been able to stay in one place for too long.
I wanted to be the one who made the decision when it was time to move on.
This home was our jumping off point to our dreams. We finally made it to the point where we wanted to really settle and spread out our roots.
We were moving forward. Now, we are looking back. Back to renting (ugh.) Back to packing up our stuff for the 3rd time this year and unpacking it once again. Back to getting our bearings. Back to feeling like somewhere is our home. Back to the kids being uprooted and wondering when we are ever just going to stay for good.
And this is what breaks me up the most. The fact that my kids are paying the ultimate price for my mistakes.
I can already see the pain that this move will bring to them.
Xavier has been saying, but this is my house. Why are we leaving our house?
When we are cleaning the marker off the wall and paint off the carpet he cries out, but I liked that there.
We told our kids that this was our home now. No more moving for us, no sir. Just you all get comfortable. We aren't going anywhere.
Then like a tornado we break the news that we can't stay here, and their lives are in shambles, once again.
We are having to pick up all the pieces, once again.
Will they trust us next time around? Only time will tell. My heart is just aching for them.
Truthfully, if given the choice I would do it all over again. I have learned more about myself, my children, my husband, my values, and my relationship with money then I could have any other way. It just had to be this way.
I understand this. As human beings we all have our character challenges. I wouldn't want to live a life without the challenges, they only make the victories sweeter.
This house has been weighing on my mind and shoulders for way too long. It's heavy and I am ready to be free.
Closing this chapter of my life will be hard, but time will heal all my wounds. The sadness won't be so sad anymore, and I will have new challenges to look forward to.
I just need to pick myself up and keep on keeping on.