look before leaping

i make my mind up quickly. i'll readily admit that i'm not so good at deliberation regarding big, life changing decisions. i just do if it feels good. but, when it comes to deciding what restaurant to eat dinner at, well, i might have to pull out the pros vs. cons charts and data. that is what i call a tough decision. it's totally a big deal cause who wants to pay a crap load of money for food that didn't quite hit the spot? not me. no way.

what was i talking about? oh, yeah, thinking things through. like, for example, everyone in our household going to college at once. and while i still think it's a kick ass idea for chris and i to finish our degrees, i realize that i need to take a few deep yoga breaths and try out this new thing called, pacing myself.

so, chris will go to school first and i'll take a few classes a week to make sure that's what i want to do. at least that's the plan as for this evening. you see, along with the leaping much too quickly problem, i also have this other character flaw called being a flake. i loose my interest quickly and move on to my next leap.

leap, leap.

i really have no clue how this will all play out, or if it ever will. i am, although, feeling some winds of change heading over in our direction. i also know that i'm getting might itchy feet, but i promise to think it over for at least a minute or two first before jumping head first.

open a window

three weeks and three interviews later we find out that chris did not get the job that we were so, so hoping that he would be offered. it seemed like the most perfect fit a job could get for my sweet hubby, and after he told me i almost cried. later that day i was near tears once more and about to send out invitations to my blast of a pity party when i, well, stopped. i thought long and hard about past so-called regrets and so-called missed opportunities and realized if those things had actually come to fruition like i had wanted them to, i wouldn't be standing where i am right now. on the corner of positively marvelous and just do it already.

so, we are thinking of making a big leap. taking a big chance. changing our lives.
and it's thrilling.

i am wanting to go to a small college nearby and get my bachelors in their fabulous liberal arts program. just think- painting, and photography, and dancing. oh, my! chris wants to finally get a bachelors in business management that he would probably take online, on top of a full time job. we would most likely have to enroll the kids in a sweet charter school, which is not so sweet to try to pay for. i would need to get a part time job as well. and the coordination to make all this happen on a continual basis is making my head spin.

is it just me or does that sound exhausting? and very, very expensive. anyone want to give us loads of cash and scholarships? or maybe, just maybe, we can convince the grandparents down south to live nearby and have lots of grandparent sleepover extravaganzas.
no pressure.

i think we are crazy to even consider it.
and even crazier not to.

hot and bothered

there is a tiny moth resting on my computer screen cause the doors are opened with the hopes that our house will cool down. it's sooo hot. seriously. once again we have managed to land ourselves in a house with zero cooling options. no a/c, no swamp coolers, not even a measly little window cooler can be found. i suppose i need to drag my hot and very bothered self to a super store and buy a big box fan. in front of the fan is where i may sit permantly until cooler temps arrive.
see? i was complaining and whining about when is summer gonna be here already-and now i want it to be cool. i can't make up my mind.
the heat is making me very irrational.

what else? no job yet for chris. i started getting slightly panicked today, but then snapped myself out of it in a hurry. i have a long, sad history of getting overly crazy about things i can't really control and you know what i have learned? that being a crazy lunatic gets me nowhere, only the funny farm. the funny farm is really not so funny. so, i was very productive today and made myself up a real purdy resume, cover letter, and list of references. not the easiest task when you've been "just a mom" for the past 5 years. psyche!

the past few weeks have been filled with friends that we haven't seen for a long time and it has been so great to catch up. i have been feeling nostalgic lately because my 10 year high school reunion is coming up. hence, the need to catch up with friends that i haven't seen in awhile. it's entertaining to watch myself transform into some wannabe really awesome sounding lady while chatting with people i haven't seen for 10 years. i mean how many ways are there to spin my picking up other people's turds for the past, like, forever? i really want to be uber cool and smart about art, and books, and popular culture. turns out i'm really not. but, i am smart about chasing butt naked kiddos down the street, and making using the potty sound like sitting on a golden throne of fun, and tuning out blood curdling screams in the car while the back of my seat is being kicked so hard i think i will have whiplash. yowza.....
i'm thinking all is not lost.

an update about an upcoming update

i know, i know.
i've been an ass hat about updating the happenings around here (or in my head as the case may be.) i think i can promise an update tomorrow.
so, come back later....
please?

papa love

i look at him and think,

gee, if all the father's out there were as awesome as my babies' daddy, the world would be a much happier place.

i only hope that we treat him like the king he is every day, not just once a year.
happy father's day. and year. and lifetime.
we heart you.

{and happy father's day to all our rockin' papa's out there. we heart you too.}

shift: a continuation

i wrote my last post with much trepidation. i went to bed uneasy, worried that i would be viewed as a negative nelly. then, when chris read it this morning he sighed and told me he had a problem with it because it seemed so doom and gloom to him.
then i sighed.
sigh.

after all the sighing, chris and i had a really cool conversation and i was blown away at his perspective and it helped shift my thinking to a different vista. it opened the door to conversation about a subject that is just plain uncomfortable to think about. i have always prided myself on being a person that strives to live a joyful life. to appreciate the little moments that make up our most brilliant lives. i'll be first to say that our lives are truly magnificent. but recently i can't shake the feeling that all this magnificent living could hinder future generations ability to carry out their own beautiful lives.

or can it be enough to simply live joyfully, with love and appreciation? can we tread as lightly as we can on our dear mother and have hope that those after us will have the same opportunity? can we strike the balance between being concerned about the future, yet live an abundunt present?

i suppose at the end of the day all we have is what we have carried and cultivated in our hearts.
for today, i'm banking on love, gratitude, and hope.

what about you?

shift

i am in need of a discussion.
some feedback, if you will.

my head is so full of thoughts about the end of the world as we know it (i know dramatic, right?) i seriously think it's going to explode. seriously. i have been getting migraines which i have never, ever experienced before on a weekly basis. like lightning striking on the interior of my brain.

i have been having nightmare after nightmare about what would happen if we woke tomorrow with no water running from the tap or electricity that worked like magic. i can't stop thinking about whose diet would stay virtually unchanged if we no longer had the option of going to the supermarket or the fast food restaurant for food. i am feeling more and more disenchanted with consumerism and that our whole lives are built around money, accumulating more and more worthless shit, greed, and power. i feel saddened at the fact that even while standing in the middle of a crowd, i am still alone. that i live in a neighborhood surrounded by people, yet i am isolated. i am irritated that our public discourse is on how to make driving cars "greener" rather than why the hell do we need these cars in the first place. i have been dwelling on the simple fact that we are so out of balance with our natural world that it is inevitable that she will bring herself back into balance sooner or later. most likely sooner.
most of all i am so annoyed at myself that i am thinking about all these things from a place of fear, lack, and panic.
bottom line-i am annoyed at myself for being annoyed about thoughts that are totally annoying me. quite possibly consuming me. yikes.


how do i move on from this place of yuck?

how about i flip this fear coin and look at this issue(s) from a place of positivity? to see the silver lining. yes, our world is changing, no question, but why all the drama and fear of change?

i have been hearing a lot about a current shift in our collective human consciousness. a sweeping change in thought about what it means to live joyful lives that are no longer fighting against the very earth that sustains us. i know that i am not the only one out there thinking, wondering, and dreaming about what our lives will be like when we are more in line with the natural world. it seems that there are a lot of people that had never identified with phrases such as "saving the earth" in the past are beginning to act on making their footprint a little lighter.
that, to me, could definitely be seen as one of many silver linings.

so, now i am inviting you to ramble. let's get this philosophical party started! a few questions i've been chewing on......

what is the last civilization/tribe/group of people in history that you think lived most in balance with nature?

do you think there are real implications to living the way we do? or is it a bunch of new age hooey?

should we continue exploring on how to make our current way of life more earth friendly, or do we need to backtrack and redefine what it means to live a good life?

p.s. i don't mean for this to seem totally dorky or teacher-like, i am just in need of getting these swirling, often conflicting, ideas out of my head and into a more productive form. (i.e.-keeping myself from going crazy.)
xoxo

introducing...

after so much dreaming, scheming, talking, and more dreaming about starting a music blog, chris has finally given birth to a pretty little baby named all in the music.

he's proud that he finally found the time (thanks layoff!) and i'm proud that he now can write down all his music smarts and put it out into cyberspace rather than talking my ear off while i'm trying to read a magazine and listen, admittedly, only half hearted. i know, i suck.
but it's so much better for me to read what is going on inside his brain instead of him trying to get stubborn old me to understand why on earth the man that composed such and such album is a musical genius. i can be quite thick when it comes to those things.

so, now he has an outlet. and i have no doubt that there are lots of people out there that will truly appreciate all he has to say. yay!

congrats on the baby,
baby.

in transit

goes to show that i should never, ever sorta promise that i will post anything in a said time frame. totally against my nature. once the promise is made the motivation disintegrates and i am left a pile of unmotivated ooze. lovely thought isn't it?

moving on.....
i am currently in a state of flux. but surprisingly calm considering. chris got layed off his job last friday, and while it came as a total shock at first i have found myself very relieved that this chapter has closed and a new one is beginning. this in between place is pretty alright. i know something fabulous is just around the corner, yet i am really enjoying taking my time getting there. taking deep breaths and appreciating the place i am in right now.

while money is very, very tight right now and that brings stress, it comes no where close to the place we were in a year ago. it's like been there done that, i totally know i can handle a little ol' layoff.

truthfully, i didn't reach this zen-like place until yesterday. up until then i was wiggling all around uncomfortably in this place of void. seriously considering following my gypsy heart and packing up a rv and hitting the road. maybe find myself in mexico working as a housekeeper for a motel on the beach. my inner gypsy likes this idea sooooo very much. she gets all spastic and anxious and just needs to get the hell out of here already!! but yesterday while tucking soleil into bed i was thinking it all over and i experienced a whoosh of clarity. a much more reasonable and thoughtful voice, much unlike my own, entered the panicked place in my head and clearly told me to chill out. to stop wiggling around frantically and just be. everything will work out. it will be more brilliant than ever.

you know what? i listened and obeyed. did i have another choice? my advice is always listen to the voices in your head that seem to know what they are talking about.

know what else? chris had a kick ass interview today for a kick ass job that would give us more money than we've ever had before, plus we would have benefits for the first time in 4 years. hurrah!

you know what else?

that would totally rock.

this space between two doors is a pretty awesome place to be.

something new to look at....

will be back shortly.
probably later today.
probably.