I was reminded recently by my son that I am not always being seen by my children the way I assume I am. I feel frustration and my child magnifies that frustration to anger. Since my child is the center of his world, this anger he is seeing in me is automatically, in his eyes, directed at him.
For example, after a long and hot morning at the zoo we were driving home and I was taking a longer, meandering way through downtown neighborhoods in the attempt that Xavier would fall asleep. Apparently he wanted to continue driving in Parley's and was upset that we had left the canyon. To show me he is mad he starts screaming at the top of his lungs. Shrill, ear piercing, awful screaming. To add insult to injury he begins to throw books and toys at sleeping Soleil to wake her up. I can't drive while looking back and trying to prevent Soleil from getting hurt and woken up, and the screaming is absolutely unbearable for me. I pull over and try to cover Xavier's mouth to stop him from screaming. Duh, that doesn't work and makes him more crazy. I am unsuccessfully trying to explain to him why screaming in the car isn't okay when he tells me to "look down, close my eyes, and stop being angry."
"Oh honey, I'm not angry, I just can't take the screaming."
"Your face looks angry."
I relax, let down my guard and start to validate. He is upset about leaving the canyon, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. He just wants me to give him my elbow so he can rub it and fall asleep. He looks at me and says "I am ready to stop screaming now. You can drive Mom."
How wise are our children about what they need. How often do we misinterpret their signals completely and overwhelm them with our "reactionary" emotions? Maybe we put it together a little later once we get in the right mind set, but totally loose a connection moment-a chance to understand a little more about what is going on in that fascinating mind.
I am probably being hard on myself. There is always opportunity to retrace those steps and let my children know that I finally got what they were trying to say with the not-so-many words at their disposal to say it. Always a chance to do a "do-over" and to say I'm sorry.
Seeing Xavier's face at that moment was like looking in a mirror. I got a glimpse of how he sees me. How often do I look like that to him? All angry and frustrated? I hope it's not too often. I just need to be more aware of my reactions to situations that really just need a clear head and a heart full of understanding.
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2 comments:
You are great Aubrey. Take heart, the things you have learned and the things you are noticing probably no one in your childhood noticed. They were things you had to come to as an adult. Xavier and Soleil get to watch a person maturing before their eyes. That is how I feel about my relationship with Arianna. She is watching me emotionally mature. What a valuable experience to watch a person grow and grow. We marvel at it with our kids but we are doing the same thing too.
Very profound post Aubrey! Why is it sooo hard to look past the behavior in the moment? I want my children to be emotionally intelligent beings, yet when in an emotionally charged moment I just want the particular behavior to stop! You have definitely given me some food for thought and motivated me to explore this more in depth for my own personal growth.
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