laughing in my awake

the little son loves family togetherness. all of us embraced in a four-way hug laughing and tickling until we all fall down into a big heap of happiness. he loves when we all sit down together for a "beautiful dinner." lately he likes the idea of all of us trying to fall asleep on the king bed. the operative word being try. he insists on snuggling with soleil, which usually get her all crazy-like riled and they end up wriggling around the center of the bed like a pile of super-charged acrobat worms. over, under, sideways, through. chris and i lay on the edges amazed that it's this late and the kids are still this full of energy.
you wanna hear a joke, he asks.
okay, i say.
why did the elephant step on the quarter?
why? i ask
BECAUSE HE WAS FARTING!!!!!

the punchline always gets delivered a few octanes higher and a few decibels louder than the rest of the joke. his jokes are inventive and thought up on the spot, but what gets me laughing is how funny he thinks his jokes are. his laughter is never forced, always smooth.
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there has been a sad song in my soul for the past few days, giving me a heavy heart and causing me to cry whenever i get the chance to be alone. i want to chalk it up to hormones but am thinking it is a signal for me to shake something up. i have been dreaming of some weekend retreat where i could spend some serious time with myself and try to decode the sadness. i need to have enough time away to miss my kids and spouse. i miss having the chance to miss them.

it's not all violins and cry me a river. there is always goodness to be found. always a light at the end of the tunnel.
and so i continue forward.

the writing on the wall

i like to think there is a bathroom wall writing fairy guru spreading messages of love and peace in public bathrooms all over the world.

don't you?

wise words

lately i've been chewing on ideas about marriage. one thing i know for sure, marriage is hard.

sometimes extremely hard. and occasionally it's run-out-of the-house-screaming-and pulling-your-hair-out-leaving-for-mexico-and-never-coming-back-hard.

alright, i'm being a tad dramatic. i haven't reached the fleeing to mexico bit (with the exception of inside my head) i'd like to say that reading wise words like those i'm about to share help keep me in a sane place. realizing that in those times of flight or fight rather then looking to my partner as the culprit and cause of my lunacy, i instead need to take a long hard look at myself and start digging deep to find the imbalance. i operate in a way that if the scales are tipped in my internal equilibrium i immediately begin to kick up dust to cover up my craziness. i point fingers, throw tantrums, and pick fights. sometimes it takes me a few days, or weeks, to come to the big realization that no one else controls my moods and happiness, but me.

anyway, this past week i had been kicking up some major dust and ran along this bit of wisdom. it is from crescent dragonwagon's site, a remarkable cook, writer, and woman. thanks crescent for throwing me a reality check.

Their marriage, like all marriages, was not exempt from difficult times, because difficult times are the way marriages grow and change, the way individuals in marriages become more emotionally resilient and fully adult... paradoxically, more themselves as separate human beings as and while they develop the ability to be more and more fully with each other. This is how it happened with Ned and CD, as it does for every couple willing not to not walk away, nor just to hang in there as a couple suffering, but to actually do pick-and-shovel work on themselves, individually, as opposed to thinking the partner should change. It’s mysterious, glorious and surprisingly strange that only in a deeply committed relationship is one given this opportunity quite so clearly. And eventually it turns out that “problems” in a marriage, though unpleasant and painful, aren't problems after all --- they are just part of the way marriage works.

get your spring on

hi there. it's been awhile.

here's a few things that i LOVED about this past weekend, just for you.

-this band rocks my world. oh, my how i enjoyed driving solo with the stereo pumping the tunes while playing the mini drums on my steering wheel. i think i will have my people contact their people and find me a spot in the band. surely i could play the maracas or something.

-sunny girl's yellow and white polka dot easter dress. too cute. even cuter when she kept bumping into the fridge cause she was a little dizzy from twirling in her new garb.

- very late night chats about everything.

-seeing a robin and butterfly in my backyard within 5 seconds of eachother. the first of the season.

-pizza that is divine. also divine is watching the punk rockers in the kitchen spinning huge disks of dough over their heads.

-playing full contact yahtzee with the family while laughing my behind off. then, laughing 'till i peed my pants after spraying crumbs all over myself while announcing that, "boys drool." cause they do.

-this video. i watched it four times. so profound. more on this in a later post.

-buds on the trees.

-easter egg hunts at the park with friends.

-having my cheeks ache from smiling so hard while watching xavi wedged between his beloved grandparents as he earnestly told them tale after imaginative tale.

-walking to easter brunch at the neighborhood diner. so yummy.

-talking with a dear friend (thank you) about matters that were weighing me down and feeling lighter after doing so.

-scandalous sea monkeys that are mating after only being alive for six weeks. is that even legal? i totally can't stop staring.

-vegan lemon pudding cake.


-bright pink yoga pants from steve and barry's.


-boing! setting up the tramp. boing!


-it's finally spring and i think that's fantastical. don't you?

dream date

just a thought....

if you were to take yourself on a date and you were really trying to impress this person, like, you sooo wanted this person to think you were the bees knees. not to mention, fabulous, smart, and a total catch.

what would you wear on your date?

where would you go?

what would you do?

what would you tell this person about your job?

your hobbies?

your dreams?

your fundamental values?

now- how different or alike is this "date" from your reality right now? do we treat ourselves like the total catch that we are, or save our wow power for someone else?

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love this person that you are today. right now. in this moment.

take yourself on that date already.

red butte

matters of the heart

today i am having plenty of deep thoughts and a few troubles, yet not feeling i have anything unique or interesting to write. i can't seem to put my finger on exactly what i want to say, yet feeling i should write something and maybe, just maybe, i will get some idea what i wanted to say once i say something.
ya know?
not really?
me either.

today i have a confidence problem.
maybe a little bit of a bad attitude?
more possibly a congested and cluttered head, sore throat, and need for curling up in bed with my sheets over my head.

my question:
how does one know when it is their heart speaking little clues to living your authentic and true life or when it is something else entirely? (ego, fear, lack)
how do you gain clarity when it comes to matters of the heart?
do you ever wonder, wish, or fantasize about how your life could of would of been, if only? or, are you completely sure of all of your decisions in life and put up the if-only blinders and forge forward?
does any of these questions even make sense?

any and all wisdom is appreciated................

gaining momentum

yay for friday!!!

life:unscripted

want to drive to san diego, like, right now?

i ask this of chris as we pull in our driveway on friday night. both the kids are snoring in their car seats in the backseat. i am not ready to be home yet. the ocean is calling my name. my idea to just drive away for the weekend sounds simple in my head. of course it does. no need for hotels or planned activities. all we need is the car and the beach.
we drive around the block a few times to talk it over and the details start to crowd out the simplicity.
oh yeah, we have kids. and dogs. and not enough money.
there is an audible pffff as air is slowly leaking out of my bubble of enthusiasm.
i am defeated.

and the weekend continued. and it truly felt liked i stepped into someone else's life for a time. the thought in the back of my head on repeat, is this really my life? the whole time trying to shake myself out of a dream-like zombie state.

10 pm emergency room visits complete with x-rays and dislocated elbows. breast infections. sleepless, stuffy-nosed nights that turn into very grouchy babes which turn into naps until six in the evening that then start the nasty cycle all over again. tantrums with claws. our lawn being sprayed with smelly fertilizer, much to our dismay. the bedroom feeling like hell's bellows when you wake in the middle of the night sweaty and parched. stepping in poo. daylight savings time. blech. i give daylight savings time a big ol' whatevs.

i don't want to paint this monster of a weekend picture though. trickled in with the craziness were little nuggets of fun. like, eating yummy homemade curry at a friends house. falling asleep with hubs on the couch while watching movies. chocolate mole covered burritos with the bro-in-law. walking to the park and running into a dear friend. yoga class. economy sized containers of organic blueberries from costco. frozen yogurt.

and much of my good weekend consisted of eating.

i am cool with it.

so, now it is tuesday and i am starting (very slowly) to get my bearings back. i am beginning to step back into my familiar skin and breathe a sigh of relief. the shoulders are relaxing. the teeth unclenching. the zombie leaving.

later zombie....

and that is the story.

the end.

bringing the smiles

today i'm loving:

muddy puppy prints on the floor. just another sign that spring is peeking around the corner.

the sunlight shining through the door, kissing my pants as i walk up the stairs.

hearing the little man singing loud and random, oblivious to anyone that may be listening, while working on building a robot with legos.

um, have i mentioned how much i love decadent chocolate cake? i am finding that 3 bites (per hour) is just the right amount. cures the sweet tooth, but doesn't leave a belly ache.

clean hair.

being stretched out in the backyard hammock and reading a most entertaining book.

the "i love you too, mama."

soleil being oh, so sassy.

calls from my brother. while they tend to be few and far between, and he almost always is calling because he needs something, i love them just the same.

that in a few hours we will be entering a long, work-free birthday weekend. the weather is promising temps in the 50's and we are sticking with that.

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here's to happy, warm weekends.

thursday afternoon

xavier woke up feverish, sluggish, sick. he is now curled up on the couch with his blanket tucked around him like a nest. the kids are watching my little ponies, quite possibly the same movie i had watched many years ago.

my belly is full of leftover pizza and the most deliriously delicious chocolate cake on earth. it feels good to feel full, but not stuffed. i am a little hazy, a combination of leftover sick and going to bed much too late. i finished a book today, unsure if i liked it until the last few pages. my tears dripping off my cheek.

i have been thinking over the idea of honest, open heart conversation as a form of prayer. i am trying to conduct life with an open heart, no matter how vulnerable it feels sometimes. having an open heart during seemingly difficult conversations, then offering it up to God.

something else on my mind: the freeing power of choice. taking responsibility for my own feelings. never blaming how i feel on another. it is all mine. i came to a personal revelation the other day about choice and felt the shackles of blame fall away. if only for a short time, those few moments felt like i wasn't touching the earth. freedom.

emerging

breaking through the layers of frozen ground.
diligently wanting the warmth of the sun.
instinctively knowing how to grow and change.
how to bloom.
it is just the beginning of something big.
of something wondrous and earth shattering.
something small, but never insignificant.
for it will change the entire landscape.
bring beauty and hope to all who see it.
and beyond.
just watch and give thanks.
for this is the beginning.