end of april

love list

{picture taken by xavier}

my reality has been very on the edge this past week. everything feels urgent, panicked, and rushed. i feel like a stranger in my own body. my thought patterns different then i have ever experienced. it has been difficult to see the silver lining, to find the beautiful. so, how 'bout i attempt a list of funny, fabulous, things that have a way of brightening life on the edges?

-i must be soooo behind the times. i only recently got introduced to flight of the conchords and even though it took much too long, i am relieved that i finally got to witness some seriously witty television. chris and i watched the whole first season in a few days and i'll have to admit there was much laughter to be had.

-another entire season of television was watched this past week, but this time i watched solo. oprah's big give was so inspiring, moving, just a plain happy show to watch. while watching i was wanting to jump out of my chair running down the streets of my neighborhood to see who i could help. you can watch all the episodes too on abc's website. now, give big!!

-music. if you look in the cd player in my car the one and only cd would be local crooners, band of annuals. the harmony, the lyrics, the urge to be in a smoky cowboy bar dancing with my sweetie.
all of it is good. check them out here.

-my friend steph's newly designed site backyard capers. to see her take an idea and just jump in head first is so motivating. i think it'll be such a resource for local parents and kids wanting to find fun things to do in the community. so awesome.

-the on again off again dream of living in an intentional community. no, most are not cults chris. most are just hardworking people trying to be in a community of like-minded folks. who can blame them?

-my birthday is coming! seriously, i love my birthday. i love the day of birthday, and i love pinatas and margaritas and cake. who can blame me?

hammock

swingin' in the hammock,
swingin' in the breeze.
swingin' in the hammock,
between the trees.

swingin' in the hammock,
i could stay here all day long.
swingin' in the hammock,
and singin' my song.

looking for spring

the up and down.
on again, off again.
push, pull.
balmy and frigid.
sun and snow.
mercury rising, then dropping.
the tease and stringing along.
the flirtation.
cold wind blowing.
pollination and subsequent sneezing.

this spring (or not) season has gotten me a little crazy.

when o' when will real, true spring be a callin'?

nature of things

i just came home from a most beautiful yoga class.
i feel full, loved, at peace.
during savasana our teacher read a long and winding poem, all of it touching my heart.
but what spoke the loudest was (and i am repeating from memory,)

...we get caught up with our fascination of stuff, but the very nature of stuff is that it's never enough. when buddah came out of the wilds of the jungle to see the monks he told them that stuff will never fill you up, will never make you happy, because it will never be enough. or something like that.


love that.

party like a rockstar

here's to having a rockstar weekend.

full of sunshine, parks, picnics, bbq's, fiestas, music, brunches, laughing, inside jokes, hammock laying, cat naps, browsing, trying new things, exploring, hiking, bike riding, dog walking, friend seeing, frozen yogurt eating, thrift store shopping, smooching, earth day celebrating, garden planting, spontaneous party throwing, long drives in the canyon, jam sessions, hot tubbing, slug bugging, art appreciating, tulips, family hugs, book reading, movie watching, and other most awesome and radical rockstar stuff.

oh, and don't forget record store day, today!!
good times.

mama's little baby loves rhubarb pie

c'mon, another post about rhubarb, you ask?
why yes, yes it is.
what's not to love about my bordering on obsessive fondness for the fruit that is rhubarb?
why everything, there is everything to love.

i am determined that you love rhubarb too. so, here is more rhubarb love for you.

there is an incredible sale at my local market for strawberries ($3 for 4 pounds!) and i have been buying them up the wazoo. so, i thought another strawberry-rhubarb crisp would be just the trick to make a (small) dent in the many pounds of strawberries i have sitting in the fridge. this time i will share the recipe for this super yummy and super easy treat. don't be surprisd if it is gone within an hour of pulling it out of the oven. it's that good.

strawberry-rhubarb crisp

filling

1 lb rhubarb, cut into 1/2 inch pieces
1 lb strawberries, cut in quarters
1/2 cup sugar
1 Tbs. cornstarch
1/2 tsp. vanilla extract

oatmeal topping

1/3 cup rolled oats
1/3 cup cornmeal
1/3 cup sugar
1/3 cup pecan halves
2 Tbs. canola oil
1/2 tsp. minced fresh ginger

1. preheat oven to 400 F. coat 13 x 9- inch baking dish with cooking sparay.

2. to make filling: toss all ingredients in glass or other nonreactive bowl. let stand 15 minutes to release juices.

3. to make topping: place all ingredients in food processor and pulse until mixture is chunky and begins to hold together.

4. spoon filling into prepared dish with slotted spoon, leaving any liquid in bowl. discard liquid (or drink it, like i enjoy doing.) top with oatmeal mixture. bake 35-40 minutes, until top is lightly browned. cool on rack for 10 minutes before serving.

delicious over ice cream or with a dollop of yogurt.

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recipe taken from the whole foods market magazine. march/april 2008.

moments spent in darkness

heart pounding.
head throbbing.
unable to get a breath of air.
eyes are hot, the tears bursting to the surface.
my hand grasping my mouth, holding in the scream that so desperately wants to escape.
my internal dialogue coaching me.
replaying the message that i am bigger than this.
it will be over soon.

it is 10:30 at night.
on the bed between two children that seem unable of sleeping.
i feel smothered.
spent.
overwhelmed by the demands of motherhood.
of too little money.
of unfulfilled dreams.
of feelings i am not enough.
of cold, dreary weather.

in that moment i cannot see how i will ever lift the fog.
i am a fish out of water.
frantically wriggling on the sand.
unable to fill my lungs with life.

surrender crosses my mind.

then, with the stroke of my baby's hand across my cheek and the question,
mama, you o-tay?
or, the little son snuggling my back and whispering,
why are you so sad?
and the darkness that was so stifling seconds earlier slowly releases it's grip.

i am laying between them.
listening to the calm waves of rhythmic breathing.
their closeness no longer feels like an invasion.
it feels like a nest.
and i am in the center of their love.

support your local record store

this is for my music nerd hubby and the boys down at the record store. you guys rock.

please pop in to your local music store and let them know that they are special and wonderful and that you want to see indie record stores stay around for a mighty long time. here you will find a list of all the stores that are participating. you are guaranteed to find one near you, unless, you do not live close to any of the stores on the list. in that case, too bad for you. there will be great fun to be had, including live music all day and sales galore.

do what the cool kids do and shop local.
peace.

sun

we are enjoying the warmness, the lovin' from parents and grandparents, and a weekend that left us wanting more.

what'd you do?

if you've got it, spend it

during lunch i was reading my favorite local alternative paper and came across this gem of a quote,

..God is perhaps not overwhelmingly impressed that we managed to pick up our dry cleaning, if we haven't returned in kind the gift we were given to live out.
No wonder an antique word for money is "talent." It's a clue that we are supposed to spend it, spend it all, here and now.

i have been chewing on this since, and it just solidified my need to create, create, create. i am wanting all things arty-photography, fiber arts, writing, beading, collaging, painting. i have been dreaming up how i could set up shop on etsy, maybe selling at the farmer's market this summer. i have a talent and i have been called upon to use it. i'll own this. it can be mine. if not, i would be turning my back on a very integral piece of me.

last night i attended a book binding class with friends and i so enjoyed myself. i have been scheming up ideas on how i could run with this new skill. so fun to learn something new, especially with friends.

when xavier saw the book i made this morning he immediately went to work on a book of his own. my mama pride just swelled watching him pour all of his attention and creativity into his book, and it turned out soooo cute. he was pretty proud of himself as well.

also, yay! my in-laws are making a spontaneous trip out to see us this weekend and i couldn't be more pleased. i may get a modified version of the girly weekend i've been craving after all.

spread the love

i was reading jen lemen's blog today and was brought to tears at the confirmation that each of us hold the power to do the impossible, that dreams come true, and that love rules.

please read about her project here and donate if you can. she has already received more than her budget, so in her own words,

All the contributions we get above and beyond our budget from now until May 8th will go directly to empowering girls to get to school and stay there until they have the skills they need to make their dreams come true.

yes! yes! yes!

and if you can't donate moola, you can still help by sending hope notes.

join in and spread the love.

processing

there are a myriad of topics i would like to discuss, yet i need to think them through a little more before making the inside of my brain public.
in the meantime, here's a bit of what has got me thinking and excited.

shiny blue you
i don't have the skills to get anything i write published, but it's fun to daydream about.

growing naturally
a new webring brought to us by remarkable steph.

a girly tribe
i am totally needing a few days of girlfriends, laughing, creating, snuggling, empowering.
anyone in?

rhubarb
i've never had this fruit before, but since i made the most delicious rhubarb-strawberry crisp last night i am now a rhubarb enthusiast. i will share the recipe later. it's super easy.

the creative family
i am a admirer from afar of the amazingly talented soule mama, and am eager to buy and devour her new book. go girl.

funny stuff
for when one needs to laugh.

thread banger
oh, wow. there is too much to excite a girl here. check it out.
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do tell, what is exciting and inspiring you these days?

sugar high

life round these parts has been just zany, crazy fun. it all started friday around 7 am when the most scrumptious donuts ever entered my life. and my stomach. sigh.
the sugar has been surging through my veins and making me wonder why i take myself so damn seriously so often. i decided that is silly and i shouldn't do that anymore. sounds simple enough.
life should just be one fat and happy love fest.
and include donuts.
lots and lots of donuts.

the happy list

what's bringing the happies:

sleeping till 9:30 (say what!) and dreaming in vivid color.

we have babies!! hundreds of them. sadly, few make to adulthood, but it is crazy to see all of them swimming around in there. i started getting a little fanatical about the sea monkey info and spent some quality time here.

walking with the little son and the pups this morning.

"fronch" toast for breakfast. yum.

jumping on the tramp playing lava ball and the ultimate super xavi game.

watching soleil play with the same hugs, tugs, and grams carebears that i played with when i was little. she carefully lay them all in a basket and covered them in a blankie, all the while spilling her secrets in a sweet hushed voice.

hearing xavi yell at the dogs next door, go pick on someone your own size!

watching annie. love it, love it. one of my all time favorites when i was young. i swear i know every dance move and every note to every song.

the sun will come out tomorrow!
bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow,
they'll be sun!

blah, blah, blah

a little blech, a little blah today.
trying very hard to be kind and centered, but it's not working quite as i'd like.
it's my punishment for staying up well past midnight watching videos on you tube about casting on for knitting and crocheting. i've done it before, just needed a refresher.
i needed to manipulate some yarn. to feel it curl and twist in my fingers. to create something.

drinking some tummy tea and have banana bread in the oven. those are both good.
i will look at the silver lining and remember that today is a day full of possibilities.
and that is all i have to say.

sweet

you know when you have been waiting for a certain moment to happen your whole life?

you know how you have replayed your ideal way the moment should happen over and over in your head including what your reaction will be so many times it almost feels like it has happened?

you know when you see this moment happen to people all around you and feel pangs of jealousy and even anger because your moment hasn't happened yet?

you know when it looks like your moment isn't ever going to happen in your lifetime so you build a strong wall around in your heart to protect your unfulfilled moment so it will no longer be subject to the hurt and denial?

you know when your moment finally does happen and it happens in a way that is entirely different from the way that you made up in you head that you almost miss that it is, in fact, happening right now?

you know when your brain finally catches up to the moment and what is happening that you realize your moment was infinitely sweeter than anything you could have impossibly imagined?

you know when this moment happens and you have a chance to reflect on what happened and you notice that the dam of sadness is no longer held up in your heart and you feel so much lighter without that emotional baggage weighing you down?

i got my moment.

after nearly 9 years of being a couple, 5 of those being married, i finally got a proposal for marriage. i finally got asked the question, will you marry me?

and my moment was sweeter than nectar.
so sweet.