the living contradiction

On Tuesday we completed the last step on our road to Bankruptcy. We now wait sixty days to be given our shiny, sparkly, start-all-over-again clean slate.

Or is it?

Is it really a free pass to sigh a well-deserved sigh of relief? Should the weight of past mistakes no longer be felt on my shoulders? Will I now walk toward financial decisions with self-assurance that I will not make the same mistakes again? Do I still feel shame that I made promises that I didn't keep? Do I pretend that people don't look down on me for making the decision to bail out on a burden to heavy to carry? Should I even care in the slightest what others may think?

How do I go forward from here?

The thing is I know- really and truly know that all my hopes and dreams are coming true right now. The incredible person that I want to become in the future is the exact same person that I look at everyday in the mirror. I am already her. She is ready right now to begin creating this beautiful life.

So what am I waiting for? Why do I keep insisting on throwing myself pity parties?

It's hard to have complete faith in myself when I have $10 to my name and have no idea when our next money is coming.

I feel so much gratitude for our food stamps, but hate the idea that without them my family would starve.

I am happy to be ridding myself of things that I shouldn't have gotten in the first place, yet so pained that my couch, my car, and my home are all being taken from me.

I am grateful that we have had the help of family and friends, but resent that that money now takes precedent in the relationship.

How do I stay positive in the face of this pain? How do I think of my life in terms of abundance rather than of lack? How do I just jump with complete faith that I will land on my feet?

I feel like a living contradiction.

Is this new beginning just that?
A clean slate- but only given with the one condition that I truly let go of my past.