driving in the car chris looked over and did a double take.
what is it?
why are you smiling?
what's so funny?
i rolled my eyes at him
...i'm just smiling cause i'm happy.
and it was true. as if a huge boulder has lifted its weight off my shoulders, i am feeling more free
these days than i ever have before.
because i told myself the truth.
not only that, this time i listened.
the most challenging part of being a mother, for me, is reconciling the ideas i have about what i should be feeling and doing, and what is actually happening in my heart and soul.
my expectation that i should be totally content always being home with my children is opposing the pull of my heart toward starting a non profit that would provide disadvantaged women free creative art retreats. or working in africa. or starting my own small business.
the bar i have set for myself in regards to being able to balance homeschooling, parenting, being a wife, a friend, volunteering, make financial ends meet and my own personal evolution has left me hollow and wondering
what is wrong with me? why can't i do this when i see others that do it every day?
something has to give.
i am in love with the idea of homeschooling. i completely and wholeheartedly agree with all the principles of homeschooling, especially unschooling. i always want my children to be given the right to choose their own path for themselves and receive unwavering support and encouragement in whatever it is they choose. my children know how to learn and i have total faith that they will learn what is necessary to fit their own life pieces together and see the picture of their creation.
how exactly can i tell my children that they must follow the tune of their own hearts, that they can truly be whatever it is they want to be, if they see me stifling my own dreams and passions?
i want this for them, yet before i had always seen me pretty much solo in providing it. to carry all this responsibility alone has been smothering me. i've wished, hoped, and prayed i could just lift a little higher, be a little stronger, and it will work out. i have made it about if i love my children enough i should be able to do this. for me, it was a test of my love. it was about my showing everyone that i was a good mother. instead, i have been left tired, out of patience, frustrated, and at times very angry.
today feels different.
today i realized that i have the key in my hand to unlock the door.
i don't have to do it alone. my children can have the unschooling way of life without the entire responsibility being shouldered by me. i can create a community of people that all want the same things for xavier and soleil.
i realize today that it's not about me or the strength of my love.
i don't have to compete in this false motherhood competition that plays out in my head.
i can simply love my children and turn the key.
whether we are talking about the new green buds on the trees or the "be green" movement that is gaining momentum, i am all about green these days.
here are some googly eyes to look at.
Walking up to the temple we were greeted by a friendly llama who walked right up to the fence to take freshly picked grass from our hands. Behind our new friend were the outlines of the ornately lavish temple and plumes of heavily scented, brightly colored plumes of chalk. We eagerly walked the half mile (the closest parking we could find) and said hello to the passerbys dressed head to foot in purple, pink, yellow, and blue chalk.
The scene surrounding the temple was awe inspiring. Crowds chanting along with the live band, Hare Krishna, Hare, Hare! they sang. Explosions of color burst like fireworks above the chanters. It's like a happy war, I said. The whole scene felt dreamy and unreal. A giggle escaped at the craziness of it all.
The Hare Krishnas were celebrating Holi, the arrival of Spring, a tradition that has been celebrated in India since ancient times. The merriment was greeted gladly by throngs of people that included a bonfire, chanting and singing, and the throwing of brightly colored chalk. There could be no better way to celebrate Spring.
(picture by our friend Travis)
driving down the freeway this morning when the sun was barely peeking out from the behind the mountain. headlights zooming past, hot chai in a mug nearby, listening to NPR on the radio.
picture this: it's 10 pm on a tuesday and a frazzled, tired out momma is trying to get her kids to quiet down already and go to sleep. this momma had spent all day with clients, some whom took extra patience to get along with and she is ready for some down time. her husband is still at work and she could definitely use his help. this momma's children have also had a long day and are started to spin out of control. big mess here. jumping all over the beds there. to make matters worse there are grandparents that are trying to get to sleep right below where all the madness is taking place. the momma runs from room to room telling each child to STAY ON THE BED AND BE QUIET, only to turn around and see the other child flipping the lights on and off and jumping up and down like popcorn. of course they are both laughing in fits of hysterics because they see that momma is about to loose it. and she almost does. she isn't sure if she should cry, yell, or slap them silly. she doesn't want to do something she will regret so she calls her husband. he tells her just to get out of the house and take a drive. the momma does this.
is it seriously only 15 minutes until friday?
i am feeling the need to formally declare my intention of going to squam this year.
a week of firsts has been full indeed.
pictures of the past are flashing on the screen in front of me and tears well up in my eyes. chubby cheeks, milky smiles, first steps, beach vacations. those pictures make me wonder, have i cherished them enough?
